Open letter to the heavyset woman next to me on the plane

Dear Heavyset,
You sat next to me in the first class section of flight 427 this evening. I wasn’t ruffled when you accidentally dropped your lead-filled carry-on bag on my crotch. I stifled a scream when you dropped your styrofoam cup of scalding decaf on my kneecap. I resisted the urge to break your pinky when you became uncontrollably flatulent during takeoff.

Then you got out your reading material and that was simply too much. Really. The “Tao of Texas Holdem Poker”? Please. Perhaps I could have overlooked this as merely a lack of culture in your life. I tried to ignore it. Make excuses for you. Then you began making flirtatious glances at me while reading “Dating for Dummies” and that was more than I could stomach.

So, from the bottom of my heart, please. Get a clue.

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  1. See, this is why it’s advisable to travel at night – weirdos don’t travel at night (and if they do, they’ll mostly want to get their sleep to awaken fresh, and ready to annoy). In any case, it’s always wise to carry a small, discrete contraption that makes farting noises to ward the aforementioned weirdos off.

  2. Lace Valentine

    Her poker hand:

    A:boobs: K:geek: Q:undies: J:wang: 10:kiss:

    Dave’s hand:

    A:evil: K:evil: Q:evil: J:evil: 3:evil:

  3. Spud

    How long was this flight….. 1 – 2 hrs?

    Did she have all her teeth?

    Was she pretty in some small way?

    Did you give her you phone number?

    Have you seen Fatal Attraction??

    Does anyone else know about this?

    Was she really all that bad?

    You smiled at least once didn’t you?

    Have you seen Fatal Attraction??


  4. 1. Hour and a half
    2. Capped.
    3. No, she was a manatee in polyester
    4. No.
    5. Yes.
    6. Yes.
    7. No
    8. No
    9. Yes

  5. Spud

    I seem to recall something about manatee…

    Should I have said that?

  6. Oh no! You fool ! You’ve insulted The Poker Lady ! The blogosphere will now redeem your fault by enduring 5 billions of comment spams about poker…

  7. Dammit zilla… you and your filtering! All I did was mention “taxes medloh” in my post and I got the 404 Finger!

  8. Hey, I’m just poppin’ in to let y’all know that …


    a) I’m still alive …


    & speakin’ of “barely” …

    … I’m goin’ effin’ COMMANDO right now!!


    Love, hugs, and all that happy fluffy bunny stuff that makes me hurl …


  9. Kirk

    It is for this very reason that they serve those hot little towels in First Class!

    And come on Davezilla…you can’t tell me there wasn’t just the slight thrill when her protruding thighs spilled out of her seat and rubbed up against your knees…..:eek:

  10. Hey now Mr Zilla,
    Don’t you be hatin’ on me ’cause I was a wantin to hold your poker.
    You just can’t handle a queenly size diva like me. I will be mailing you back your Dating for Dummies book.
    p.s. I see you did not tell ’em bout the part where I offered to spritz Febreeze on us after my little indetestinial burp.:kiss:

  11. Sasha

    Keeps me lolin.

  12. this tao book is a good book and with all the buzz in the world about it, no wonder people are reading it

Comments are closed