You needed lungs of steel

Remember this shit? I could never get a bubble bigger than 2” and it smelled like a Victorian turpentine factory. The bubbles were generally forest green with the faintest whisper of yellow. “Here, kids! It’s like lung cancer in a tube. Knock yourself out.” But don’t take my word for it. This shit was deadly. […]

Dear Satan,

Seeing as how the world and its population have changed dramatically over the centuries, I have some suggestions for you on expanding Hell to accommodate some of Earth’s newer denizens. Please add new sections to Hell for the following: Cyber Squatters who hold onto URLs. Double Dippers at parties. People who park in handicapped spots […]

I have questions…

Two Shakes of a Lamb’s Tail

How come when someone says, “I’ll be there in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” it always takes about 45 minutes? Just how big is a lamb’s tail?

Worst Gifts to Give Your Girlfriend or Wife

The Good Wife’s Guide A weight scale The phone numbers of every stripper you’ve ever met A porcupine Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride Manual A mustard sandwich An extension cord, used A box of rust An ultimatum What gifts would you shy away from giving?

The Fifth Circle of Hell

CANTO XIII: In most of the United States, when it’s time to renew your driver’s license, or get new tabs for your plates, you might go to the DMV (Dept. of Motor Vehicles). Not so in Michigan. We go to the Secretary of State—known to Dante Alighieri as the Fifth Circle of Hell. It is […]

Only in Royal Oak…

Longtime readers will know that I have spent the majority of my life in Royal Oak, Michigan — a strange little town with a penchant for weirdness. We could just as easily deserve our own version of Austin’s tagline. “ Keep Royal Oak weird.” Last night, while walking home with my honey, we noticed another […]

Uber in India

Parenting: What no one told me

So I became a father for the first time. At 49. I had pretty much given up the hope of having children, but then it happened. No, don’t congratulate me. It was easy. What wasn’t easy was sifting through the reams of advice you’re given from doctors, family, magazines, blogs, friends and complete strangers—yes the […]

More people we can safely dislike #22

Oh man. I have been subjected to appalling grammar this week. I want to put these folks under citizens arrest … for the murder of the English language! People who say “360°” when they meant “180°,” as in “His attitude went 360°.” That doesn’t mean he changed his attitude. That means it’s right back where […]

More people we dislike #18

Comcast Tech Support, for having service interruptions all fucking week Lane drifters, Sunday or not Guys who change their clothes at Armani Exchange outside the dressing room Anyone who greets me with, “Hey, guy!” Anyone who greets me with, “Hey, boss!” Anyone who greets me with, “Hey, chief!” Anyone who greets me with, “Hey, captain!” […]

Overheard: People are fuh-reaks edition

GIRL 1: “Um, I got him a tie, a video game and his-and-hers buttplugs.” GIRL 2: ‘OMG! I bought Mike the same things!” [From Natalie, overheard on the subway:] MAN: “Don’t those blow-up dolls come with orifices and shit?” PERSON IN DELI: “Is this milk? It says it is. Is it?” viagra free viagra buy […]

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