Close encounters of the work kind

03 March, 2023Posted inObservations
A former coworker posted something today about the awkwardness of running into coworkers in public places. How, despite liking that person, you instantly lose the ability to form speech. It reminded me how even passing coworkers in the hallway at work can be awkward and soul-destroying. First Encounter: You smile, exchange pleasantries, and move on. Second Encounter: The briefest of eye contact, the “I’m busy, pal” dismissive smile and a simian grunt that resembles the word, “Hey.” Third Encounter: The upward head bob. No eye contact is made. The exchange is silent and understood. Fourth Encounter: You pretend to be…

You needed lungs of steel

08 January, 2022Posted inBad Ideas
Remember this shit? I could never get a bubble bigger than 2” and it smelled like a Victorian turpentine factory. The bubbles were generally forest green with the faintest whisper of yellow. “Here, kids! It’s like lung cancer in a tube. Knock yourself out.” SuperElasticBubblePlastic, next to Jarts, it claimed more childhood lives in the 1970s than riding in cars without safety belts. But don’t take my word for it. This shit was deadly. There’s even a Wikipedia page about it. It was made from polyvinyl acetate dissolved in acetone. You know, for kids!

Only in Royal Oak…

24 July, 2021Posted inObservations
Longtime readers will know that I have spent the majority of my life in Royal Oak, Michigan — a strange little town with a penchant for weirdness. We could just as easily deserve our own version of Austin’s tagline. “ Keep Royal Oak weird.” Last night, while walking home with my honey, we noticed another oddity. Only in Royal Oak can you purchase a gallon of Bulleit Rye, Falafel, an Bitcoin, all in the same … gas station. Falafel, Bitcoin, and Booze by the gallon, What more could you ask for from a gas station?

Dear Satan,

17 May, 2020Posted inOriginal Humor
Seeing as how the world and its population have changed dramatically over the centuries, I have some suggestions for you on expanding Hell to accommodate some of Earth’s newer denizens. Please add new sections to Hell for the following: Cyber Squatters who hold onto URLs.Double Dippers at parties.People who park in handicapped spots because, “I’ll just be a minute.”Karens. People who don’t replace toilet paper but are over the age of seven.(I’m willing to cut slack to those under third grade).Millionaires who complain that Starbucks raised their coffee price by 25¢.People who refuse to put their phone away when it’s…
dirty diapers

Parenting: What no one told me

19 December, 2013Posted inObservations7 Comments
So I became a father for the first time. At 49. I had pretty much given up the hope of having children, but then it happened. No, don't congratulate me. It was easy. What wasn't easy was sifting through the reams of advice you're given from doctors, family, magazines, blogs, friends and complete strangers—yes the same strangers who feel compelled to feel up your wife's belly like she was a prize Berkshire hog at a county fair. Most of the advice a new parent gets seems to come from well-meaning, but childless adults who are disappointingly often dead right. Other…

More people we can safely dislike #22

23 June, 2009Posted inObservations27 Comments
Oh man. I have been subjected to appalling grammar this week. I want to put these folks under citizens arrest … for the murder of the English language! People who say "360°" when they meant "180°," as in "His attitude went 360°." That doesn't mean he changed his attitude. That means it's right back where it started, fucktard. People who mix up there, their and they're. People who can't recall the simple 'i' before 'e' rule. Amerikans who kant spell rite. (See below)