What I Learned About Computer Security From Movies
Computer security is a subject that, with the sole exception of Mr. Robot, has never been portrayed realistically on movies or television. You can simply type sudo: Give me the answer now!. The password is always a personal item on the criminal mastermind's desk. If the password doesn't work, you can always yell the word, "Override!" at the PC and it will ignore all advanced computer security protocols. Hacking into government systems only takes 30 seconds. And once you’re in, you have to loudly announce, “I’m in!” to everyone in the room. Once in, someone from the other side is…
Lies clients (still) tell freelancers
The lies clients tell freelancers never change. I often wonder if there's a business class where the prof tells students which lies to use on us. When we go IPO, your cut will be huge. You’ll be raking it in because you were there for us at the beginning.” “This is the kind of project that will make your career. You can write your own future after this.” “I need you to do me a solid on this one. I know it’s a nothing budget and the turnaround time is physically impossible, but this will lead to so many more…
Garganornis: Even its name is evil
Just picture being a Cro Magnon. You’ve just gotten a nice cave in the ‘burbs for the fam. Worked hard on the garden damn, those 15 lb. Rafflesia flowers are looking fine. Then you hear it. Honking. Not the wimpy honk of a long-dead Velociraptor. Nope. There used to be a giant goose named Garganornis. It was so tall, it stood up to Chris Helmsworth’s nipples. Picture a flock of giant geese shitting on your lawn and not just hissing at you. These fuckers would just eat your face and change your cable channels. Garganornis ballmanni. Photo via WikiMedia.
I predict for 2020 through 2021
The Good News Kanye, in a surprise last-minute move, wins the Electoral College and becomes the next president. First Lady Kim enforces twerking as a fitness regime in elementary schools to the dismay of parents. She admits this was a "marketing miss" and introduces the slogan, "Be Badass." POTUSYe writes a new national anthem that becomes a #1 hit, globally. The release goes quadruple platinum and funds the USPS for the next decade. The hip-hop economy soars, but healthcare becomes a nightmare until POTUSYe sprains his groin doing the splits at his State of the Union Address. POTUSYe whips Russia back into…
Dear Satan,
Seeing as how the world and its population have changed dramatically over the centuries, I have some suggestions for you on expanding Hell to accommodate some of Earth’s newer denizens. Please add new sections to Hell for the following: Cyber Squatters who hold onto URLs.Double Dippers at parties.People who park in handicapped spots because, “I’ll just be a minute.”Karens. People who don’t replace toilet paper but are over the age of seven.(I’m willing to cut slack to those under third grade).Millionaires who complain that Starbucks raised their coffee price by 25¢.People who refuse to put their phone away when it’s…
Every HGTV episode. Ever.
First time buyers, Jeremy and Meagan have been looking at stately mansions in California’s pricey Sonoma Wine Country. Their must-haves include an Olympic swimming pool, a 1/4 mile dog kennel run, and a finished basement they can play regulation ice hockey in.” “Meagan is a stay-at-home, Mommy blogger who sends lots of empowering messages to girls on Snapchat. Jeremy is a part-time marionette operator.” House No. 1 MEAGAN: “A grill? Oh no. No. Children are cooked and eaten on grills every year. Hard pass on this one.” [Camera cuts to Jeremy alone on someone else’s driveway] JEREMY: “This house is…
Fantasy Movies that Should Have Been
50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey Harry Potter and the Dirty Chamberpot Percy Jackson: The Panty Thief Star Trek: The Next Penetration Hunger Games: Catching Herpes Hellboy: The Golden G-String Indiana Jones and the Temple of Eros The Lion, The Witch and the Slutty Wardrobe Invasion of the Booty Snatchers How to Tame Your “Dragon" What fantasy movies did you think up?
What I Learned from Movies, XV: Cop-Out Answers
One thing I really hate? Unacceptable answers to cover a weak plot or to justify why a character can do a certain thing. The second and third Matrix movies are notorious for covering plot gaps with lines that at first listen sound like they could be deep—then you remember that these are movies with Keanu Reeves as a savior figure. Maybe it's a childhood thing of hating when my mother always said, "Because I said so, that's why!" but I really dislike copout answers. Here's some that appear in multiple films that have irked me greatly. "How do you know…
What I Learned from Movies XIV: Military Movies
Holding up a fist will instantly stop an entire army dead in their tracks. Any time bullets are shot at you in slow motion, you can avoid them (in slow motion) by leaning way back until your spine is almost broken. Hover in this position for several seconds until the bullet-time effect has ended. Make a 'V' with your index and middle finger. Now point them at your eyes, then your fellow soldiers' eyes. This alerts them to use vision instead of their sense of smell to navigate streets and tunnels. The enemy can't smell lit cigars due to their…
Things I Learned from Movies: Vampires
They never check a vampire for ID Likewise, no one asks child vampire why they aren't in school The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) never seems to notice that vampires are about 2,000 years too old to drive. Oh wait, they OWN the DMVs. Vampires exist by hard and fast rules. Once you turn, that's it. Unless you're in love with a good-looking human. Then you can return to the living by being nice. Becoming a vampire isn't like a tattoo where it's there forever. You can opt out. Just kill the lead vampire, and you can go back to…
Things I Learned from Movies, Part IV
At any harbor, there will be two or more speedboats with keys left in them Anyone who gets in a speedboat knows how to drive one expertly Same thing applies to motorcycles Aliens are attracted to our women and have matching genetics to breed with them All twins are not only identical, but have matching voices and freckles as well All magical talismans have rules that only work on certain astronomical configurations No matter how rare or ancient the relic, the world's leading expert on it happens to teach at the local university The bad guys—who have spent their lives…
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