New Scents for Yankee Candles

If Yankee Candles actually smelled like things from the Northern US, the candle scents would change up a bit.

  1. Brown Snowdrift
  2. Hoboken Hobo
  3. Leftover Pizza in the Fridge
  4. Warm IPA
  5. Overpriced, Overly-Sweet Cocktail that Looked Good in the Menu, But Wasn’t 
  6. Women’s’ Room After a Concert
  7. Crushed Black Fly
  8. Lacrosse Coach
  9. Middle-Eastern Man’s Cologne
  10. Air from a Hipster’s Bike Tire
  11. Flint Beach Water
  12. Union Worker Angst
  13. Mosquito Blood
  14. Coney Island Hotdog, Extra Onions
  15. Sublime Subway
  16. Rust
  17. Vacation Bible School
  18. Detroit Bar Mat
  19. Panera Lemon
  20. Fear of the South


Last night I was almost sprayed by a skunk. It was tiny.  Not much bigger than a baby squirrel, but the sight of its raised tail made me shriek and run away like a scared toddler.

What. Me embarrassed? 

Call me Treebeard

FOUR YEAR OLD: “You know what would be so cool, Daddy?”

ME: “What?”

FOUR YEAR OLD: “If instead of a beard, you could grow a tree on your face.”

THREE YEAR OLD: “That would not be good.”

ME: “No?”

THREE YEAR OLD: “It would be amazing.”

People we can safely dislike #26

  • People who refuse to include punctuation in email or texts.
  • The guy (it’s always a guy) who passes you on the road and then promptly slows down.
  • That lady who refuses to admit she misdialed you… again.
  • Men who wear Crocs with business suits.
  • Young men who think wearing a vest with a porkpie hat makes them jazz musicians.
  • Older women who think wearing loud mumus with oversized glasses makes them artists.
  • People who rasp, wheeze, and smell like a nicotine factory and claim they “quit ten years ago.”
  • The cheap bastard who drinks 3/4 of his expensive cocktail before returning it, claiming they made the wrong drink. Then re-orders the same thing.
  • Anyone with a straw hat.
  • The person in the picture and whatever she’s doing to that poor baby [PHOTO COURTESY:]
  • Anyone who owns more than three parrots.