And furthermore… Part II

After the chair debacle, Liz and I sat down in chairs from polite persons of less than great intelligence. An hour or so later, we saw someone else approach the rude genius from Channel 4. A portly woman, dressed rather like a peasant or Renaissance Festival employee. Being somewhat large, she was possessed of—to put it bluntly—a large rack. This is important to note for later on. She carried on a long conversation with the genius and we rightfully ignored them. Suddenly Liz poked me. "Look at the freak couple. Now." I turned to see the left breast of the…

And furthermore… Part I

I really need to take a camera with me every time I have coffee with my friend Liz. We see the best freaks. Tonight topped them. Ever go to a coffeehouse, it’s really crowded so you find an empty table with not enough chairs? Then you hunt around to see if anyone isn’t using all the chairs at their table? Well that. So we got our drinks and Liz found a great table with no chairs. I spy a man sitting alone with an ancient, underpowered Mac laptop and walk over. Me: “Excuse me, sir. Is it cool if I…

Lamest Super-powers to have, Part II

I would like super powers. Nothing too fancy, mind you. Just minor abilities to get me through the week. The ability to see through chocolates to the fillings before taking a bite The ability to sense road construction in time to catch an alternate route The ability to psychically detect which cashier is the fastest and least likely to call for a price check The ability to see through scratch-off tickets before purchasing them The ability to remove rusted, old screws without stripping the threading A magic bag that always contains the right size batteries for any appliance The ability…

Last minute gift ideas

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I rarely have snappy comebacks

…but today I nailed one without skipping a beat. [SCENE: Starbucks] Woman: "Ahem. Is that an Apple product?" Me: "Yes, it's a G4 Laptop" Woman: "Well, you must be a devil worshipper, because only Democrats and satanists use Apple products." Me: "Why, I am a devil worshipper. Did the Mac give it away?"

Worst ringtones ever

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Obey the Naughty Palace

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Caption Time #213

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Nice parking job

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