Only in Royal Oak…

Longtime readers will know that I have spent the majority of my life in Royal Oak, Michigan — a strange little town with a penchant for weirdness. We could just as easily deserve our own version of Austin’s tagline. “ Keep Royal Oak weird.” Last night, while walking home with my honey, we noticed another […]
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It’s like that

He’s such an introvert. That’s why he’s always alone. He’s a very private person. Please respect that.
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A family of four. At least.
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Demon Sperm
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Either way…
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Dear Satan,

Seeing as how the world and its population have changed dramatically over the centuries, I have some suggestions for you on expanding Hell to accommodate some of Earth’s newer denizens. Please add new sections to Hell for the following: Cyber Squatters who hold onto URLs. Double Dippers at parties. People who park in handicapped spots […]
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Garganornis: Even its name is evil

Just picture being a Cro Magnon. You’ve just gotten a nice cave in the ‘burbs for the fam. Worked hard on the garden damn, those 15 lb. Rafflesia flowers are looking fine. Then you hear it. Honking. Not the wimpy honk of a long-dead Velociraptor. Nope. There used to be a giant goose named Garganornis. […]
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Ten things that bug me about lockdown

Having to actually answer the phone because people know I am home. Seeing dust enough to actually feel compelled to do something about it. My Amazon bill. My dog only barks during Zoom meetings. My dog only shits on the floor during Zoom meetings. My dog only gets hungry during Zoom meetings. Not having mail. […]
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Anybody?
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I predict for 2020 through 2021

The Good News Kanye, in a surprise last-minute move, wins the Electoral College and becomes the next president. First Lady Kim enforces twerking as a fitness regime in elementary schools to the dismay of parents. She admits this was a “marketing miss” and introduces the slogan, “Be Badass.” POTUSYe writes a new national anthem that […]
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No more lives lost
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I fucking can’t!
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