2006 New Years Resolutions

31 December, 2005Posted inObservations32 Comments
Every year since this site began in 1995, I have posted my resolutions. To date, I am still not King of the World, Master of Time, Space and Depravity, but I am still trying. Continue on my yearly mission to find a cure for clowns and mimes Catering to my 15 year-old cat's ever changing whims Discover a cure for skorts and gauchos Lobby for a Federal Bill to make wearing of mullets at the workplace a punishable crime Progressive cities like Toronto have declared it completely legal for women to go topless in public. Should a forward-thinking nation like…

Ten things to do at a New Year’s Eve party

30 December, 2005Posted inObservations29 Comments
Wake up writing someone else's blog Declare war on Iraq! Oh wait, never mind… Plaster the streets with incriminating photos involving your pet and a root vegetable Tattoo Bible verses all over your body and then do a strip tease for your friends Should anyone spill a drink on you, scream, "It burns, it burns!" in a possessed Linda Blair voice. Declare sock garters to be back in fashion and wear a pair. Nothing else. Put everyone's keys in the toilet to prevent drunk driving Arrive late, drunk and loudly announce, "Well, it looks like I've slept with everyone at…

Seen on the way to Ottawa

29 December, 2005Posted inUncategorized22 Comments
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Seen at the Polish Christmas Carp Festival

28 December, 2005Posted inUncategorized18 Comments
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Caption Time #86

27 December, 2005Posted inCaption Time21 Comments
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It’s Boxing Day

26 December, 2005Posted inUncategorized28 Comments
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Christmas is for sharing

25 December, 2005Posted inUncategorized19 Comments
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Complete this sentence #28, One word comment

24 December, 2005Posted inObservations78 Comments
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Last Minute Gift Ideas

23 December, 2005Posted inObservations27 Comments
This year, give gifts that they'll never forget. Or forgive. A bucket of fresh, molten lava Their very own Manure Spreader A stack of stolen porn An Igia Hair Removal kit A map of Guam A new tongue scraper An actual Jivaro shrunken head A sea lamprey A date with this woman A bowl of eyelashes What are you planning on buying this year? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra…

Overheard: Oyster Bar Edition

22 December, 2005Posted inObservations27 Comments
After finding the impossible present for Natalie today, I was quite proud and decided to celebrate at my luck by stopping at Tom's Oyster Bar for some chowdah and a Guinness, henceforth known as the best lunch ever. Nearby was a boisterous couple. Their conversation was both amusing and ridiculous. I jotted down as much as I could on a napkin for your enjoyment, because I love you. Background: She is from Miami and met him online. He wants her to move in with him, but she wants a ring on her finger first. All of her earthly possessions are…

Caption Time #85

21 December, 2005Posted inCaption Time46 Comments
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Notes to Self, No. 5,822, Nachos Edition

20 December, 2005Posted inObservations26 Comments
"Restaurant Style" tortilla chips means, "Our retarded bagger sat on them, crushing each chip to an ant-sized bite." Four jalapenos are more than sufficient for one plate of nachos. Eleven may be over the top. Trust me on this. Cats will not eat nachos, not matter how hungry they are. True fact: Queso is actually made from molten Play-Doh. The number of ounces of cheese you add to nachos is directly proportional to the number of hours you will spend regretting the decision to make nachos. viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra…