Call Me Mr. Clean

OK, time to come clean. As many of you know, in May I became an African priest of the Lukumí religion. Go me. What you don’t know are the restrictions placed on me, which of late have been leading to some fairly hilarious situations.

For example, I have to wear all white. Head to toe. Every day. For a year. Really. I also cannot drink for a year, go to parties, movies or or restaurants. Basically, stay home and be good for a year. I know what you are thinking, and yes, Natalie and I can still do that. I would never join a religion that bans its priests from doing the nasty. I cannot be photographed for a year either, so I can’t put any pictures up unfortunately (although I am dying to, for laughs).

So I thought I’d fill you in on some things I have been mistaken for, or referred to as, since being in all white.

  1. A Muslim extremist
  2. A baker
  3. A Shaolin monk
  4. A painter
  5. A Rabbi
  6. A Buddhist
  7. A mime (in white?)

And now the quotes:

  1. “This is some sort of stunt, right?
  2. “Dave’s really putting in some ridiculous hours. He’s still wearing the same clothes from yesterday! I don’t think he ever went home.”
  3. “I heard you had a religious epiphany and are moving to the Vatican?”
  4. “So does the white signify … giving up television?”
  5. “You do realize it’s before Labour Day and you’re in white?”


  1. “I have to wear all white. Head to toe. Every day. For a year.”

    So this means you’re kind of like Tom Wolfe, only a much better writer?

    Interesting – I had to use Wikipedia to look up Lukumí as I hadn’t heard of it before. Don’t know how accurate the entry is, but it’s a fascinating read nonetheless.

  2. Mjaz

    Like a virgin bride… wow!

  3. Meagan

    I hear white is this year’s new “black.”

  4. Da plane, da plane!!…. Your a freak Dave! At least after doing the nasty the cumstains don’t show!! Being in Arkansas, I wouldn’t advise wearing a hood with that outfit!!

  5. JFLY

    Can I have a 2 Dreamsicles and a Push-Up, please? Oops, sorry…

  6. Anna

    Aren’t you going to change the name ‘’ to ‘Father’, ‘Brother ….’ or maybe ‘Witch ….’ ?

  7. If I push a finger in your tummy, will you giggle? :kiss:

  8. cbatdux

    And what can you eat? Marshmallows?

  9. bhamm

    Good for you, Dave. Just don’t eat chocolate ice cream. Nothing gets chocolate ice cream out of white pants. (What can I say, I grew up in the 80s).

  10. Patrick

    So if you leave a sneaker untied you’ll look like a big tampon? :wtf:

  11. Bigwavdave

    So, smoking is OK? Oh, and what about undergarments?

  12. I can smoke (I do smoke cigars), and yes, white boxer briefs too (ugh). In 10 months, I can go back to black ones. 😛

  13. [Comment ID #67837 will be quoted here]

    What about them? I’ve dated them. All women are equally weird.

  14. Bob

    Move to france and you can be a surrender flag.

  15. slave2oshun

    As a matter of fact Dave, I have heard white makes you look sexy and slim.
    I like a man in uniform.
    The best comment so far is the ice cream order… thats a 1st isn’t it? 8)

  16. No, I’ve gotten the milkman and ice cream vendor too. 😛 One I forgot to add was the Michelin Man. Michelin is one of our clients at Campbell-Ewald, so I have been asked numerous times if I plan to replace him in the ads.

  17. [Comment ID #67790 will be quoted here]

    The Wikipedia entry is about 60% correct. Lukumí does not mean “my dear one”. It means, “owners of the selected heads” because only certain people are chosen to become priests/priestesses. It fails to mention the importance of women in the religion, without whom, there would be no Lukumí. It also completely screws up the orisha section, but the historical data isn’t bad. YMMV.

  18. cronewynd

    Good for you, Dave.
    I have a couple of friends that are of West African beliefs, and one of my mentors/spiritual advisors/shamans is a priest of Yorumba (sp?).

    So, I’m one of those people that understands the 6 directions 😀

  19. Wow. That’s simply fascinating, Dave! I’d love to know the reasoning behind it (as I’m nosy like that), but realize that it’s none of my bidness. Still, good on you!

    Now, I’ll have an orange creamsicle, please. :kiss:

  20. cronewynd

    Um… duh…. not 6… SEVEN directions 😳

  21. I hope the J.P. won’t marry you off accidentally to Alex instead of me, oh-dressed-all-in-white-one.

    And you rock my socks, white, striped or otherwise. :kiss:

  22. cbatdux

    No instrument is so loud that it can drown out the sound of the agogó

  23. cbatdux

    [Comment ID #67846 will be quoted here]

    Noone would even notice you if you worked in the Dubai office….

  24. Zinta

    Religious beliefs are a waste tho.. because we all die… and the world will end.. and then comes.. NOTHING. So sad.

  25. cowboyellison

    [Comment ID #67836 will be quoted here] well good luck and hang in there mean while keep the laughs coming.

    😆 😀

  26. Bjorn Freeh

    So, Dave, how about a white-on-white shirt… too ostentatious?

  27. djembe er

    :thong: :java:

  28. [Comment ID #67868 will be quoted here]

    Damn. Here, have a popsicle. That might cheer you up. :kiss:

  29. Organist

    hmmmmtough break man. Good luck with that!

  30. Driver

    Dave Im just curios do you worship one God or several ?

    Oh and I cant help myself… I’d like a pushpop please .

  31. Da Popster

    Does this have something to do with the porno-‘smores? :wtf:

  32. JFLY

    I think it’s admirable…and I’m a Scientific Pantheist. People are too easily accepting of the beliefs thrust upon them by their family and society. Seek your own path, always question, and follow what you know in your heart and mind to be true.

  33. JFLY

    Oh, and Dr. Dave? I’ve been having this pain for about 2 weeks now… 😛

  34. dougieace

    i found god for awhile too dave,but after a few months, all that snake handling and strychnine drinking made me question my own i gave up the snakes. dont let the chicken blood spatter your new whites brother.amen over and out.

  35. Zinta

    Oh.. and that link.. I would be the AFC.. Average Frustrated Chump. Women walk all over me… I don’t know how to seduce an apple let alone a real woman. I’ve never had a woman come on to me EVER. Unless she did and I didn’t know it… because I don’t read clues to well. If you smeared me with shit I’d still have a hard time attracting flies.

  36. Bigwavdave

    [Comment ID #67836 will be quoted here]

    Cigars or boxers?

  37. Drusky

    [Comment ID #67839 will be quoted here]
    It’s obvious that Dave’s chosen a path of true enlightenment. Alas, I knew that without having to dress like I worked at Fantacy Island… 😆

    Still, I have respect for a person who has Beliefs and stays true to them…

    But since lemmings do exist, I’ll join in and request a Sidewalk Sundae… 😆

  38. Drusky

    [Comment ID #67923 will be quoted here]
    As long as Dave wears a mask and big robe, can we get that exam webcasted?


  39. Spud

    I keep waiting in vain for the punchline about this Priest business…


  40. Bjorn Freeh

    [Comment ID #67952 will be quoted here]

    A minister, a rabbi and Dave walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”


  41. [Comment ID #67870 will be quoted here]
    Funny you should say that. I’ve grown fond of subtle white on white shirts. Thank Gawd for gangsta rappers, or there’d be no white down jackets for us Northern iyawos. G-Unit, baby.

    [Comment ID #67952 will be quoted here]
    Keep waiting, pal. 😈

  42. I think we need a picture of you in your priestly garb… hmm?

  43. Spud

    I believe he said “ pictures for a year…” so hang on until June next year for the results.

    I have this image of Dave in Priestly type robes wearing a funny hat, kinda like the one the dude is wearing in an early scene from the fith element.

    “…Gimmee the caaaaash… (boom chicka boom boom) … the cashhhhh man…”

    Oh yeah, and dancing as well…


  44. Anna

    Men in dresses … major :limp: :limp:

  45. [Comment ID #67949 will be quoted here]

    LOL…and NO! 😛

  46. [Comment ID #67964 will be quoted here]

    I can assure you, his hats look pretty normal. :kiss:

    Also, this made me LOL:

    [Comment ID #67841 will be quoted here]

  47. Bless me, Father Dave, for I have sinned. It’s been 23 years since my last confession, not because I’ve been lax, but because I don’t sin!! Then yesterday I discovered I have a fetish for white-clad red-necks and have been abusing myself ever since…….. :thong: :wang: ❓ :limp:

  48. Drusky

    [Comment ID #67975 will be quoted here]
    Awwwww, Shucks! And I thought we were discussing possible religious experiences…

    😈 😆

  49. How fun. I think I’ll start my own religion which requires a dress-code. I’ll call it “webbie”, and to be in, you have to rotate through the web-safe color pallette, two consecutive colors per day… what other dress codes for religions could the hordes of Davezillites come up with?

  50. [Comment ID #68155 will be quoted here]

    Oddly enough, that is similar to what my poll idea for next week is (If you had to wear one color for an entire year, what would it be?)

  51. Goth Princess

    Good luck with all the restrictions. I don’t think I could make it a year like that.

  52. [Comment ID #68176 will be quoted here]
    Thanks, GP. It can suck at times, to be sure. Only 10 more months. I can make it. 😈

  53. Zeke

    here come’s the groom
    religiously he is doomed.

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