Worst roommate ever

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This man is quite simply the worst roommate in history. His requirements for a roommate are so severe and exacting, that he makes the perfect target for nonstop torture. Read his requirements, then after beating your head into a wall, return here to leave more torture ideas.

  1. I would host cock fighting matches in the garage. Long spur style, of course.
  2. I would have unprotected sex with homeless, French whores suffering from Tourettes Syndrome on his Bowflex. This would be after he catches me scrubbing the toilet with his toothbrush.
  3. I would buy the world’s loudest vibrator because, “Sometimes at night I really need to get off to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it!” *
  4. I would cook pork, and the next day ask, “Uh, you’re a doctor. So what are the first signs of trichinosis?” *
  5. We would have live oysters for dinner every night, cause nothing is more satisfying than shucking 60 or 70 wet oysters. Peanut brittle for dessert.
  6. I would learn to sing to whales. From my bedroom.
  7. I would learn Urdu from a series of lessons on tape. So would my Urdu-speaking cats. *
  8. Beekeeping. Killer beekeeping.
  9. I would line my room with cellphane, chalkboards, styrofoam and bubble wrap.
  10. I would become hooked on hydroponics. *
  11. Three words: One man band.
  12. I would cook blackened, Cajun chicken while reciting Molière and playing Renaissance dance music at full volume. The recipe would come from a magazine. *
  13. I would buy shoes made of rough-cut glass and replace the carpet with sheet metal.
  14. I would sleep in a hammock made by silkworms.
  15. Howler monkeys are not on the list, so I assume those are acceptable pets.
  16. I would learn home dentistry and practice with the drill on squirrels.
  17. I would start a home balloon-tying business and talk with helium.
  18. I would wear chainmail bathrobes.
  19. I would take up Primal Scream Therapy.
  20. Randomly, I would require a lengthy and forceful exorcism.


  1. Mandy

    :wtf: “This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.”

    Uhhh it sure sounds discriminating to me. 👿

  2. Kirk

    I would tap dance out the tunes of broadway musicals.

    I would pee a little everytime I sat on his furniture.

    I would constantly ask…”Do you think my butt looks big?”

  3. Hehe, I’d set up my drums in the living room and practice while he was upholstering. Hell, while I’m at it I’d just have the rest of my band come over and practice. Maybe he’d upholster a nice sound proof room for us eventually.

    Then I’d hire a French chef to cook dinner for me on the nights that I don’t feel like cooking. Maybe even have a Korean come over and bury some kim-chee in the back yard.

  4. TinaMarie

    All I want to do is email him (repeatedly) and tell him “YOU NEED THERAPY!” I am not sure which of his quirks he is explaining away as “Eastern techniques”, but I am betting that none of them are yoga, Pilates, or any type of meditation that would stop him from being an anal-retentive dickhead.

    And he wonders why his staff doesn’t like him…

  5. Esther

    Had to look up Urdu, but now that I know what it is…hehe..

    I would clip coupons from the Sunday paper, but only after I had collected 3 weeks worth of papers. Then I wouldn’t recycle them for at least month.

    I would shave my underarms in the kitchen sink, while listening to Judas Priest, and enjoying a Pete’s Wicked.

    As a last straw, I would cook my ground beef on very low heat, then perform an exorcism on Natalie, while Mandy and MikeB show up unannounced, with unapproved fruits and vegetables.:twisted:

  6. Why is this fellow a surgeon? He would make a better customs officer at the US/Canada border! Especially with his fruit fetish.


  7. em

    I would buy a rubber mallet, and hide under his bed, lying in wait for him to get comfortable… begin to drop off… and then I’d tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap to my heart’s content.

    I’d also replace all the tap washers with faulty ones.

    Oh yes.

    Unapproved fruit and vegetables, fantastic!

  8. “I would shave my underarms in the kitchen sink, while listening to Judas Priest, and enjoying a Pete’s Wicked.” man i laughed at that. :wtf:

  9. Anna

    – I would get the Urker Fishermans Choir to practice their Italian opera pieces.
    – I would get a wooden floor installed and learn the ancient Dutch art of clogdancing.
    – I would live there with my pet poodle and tell that guy the pedigree of his mutt is not good enough for (my) Princess Mathilda de Rothschild.
    – My biggest hobby would suddenly become: Alpine horn blowing.

    gotta stop … would fill pages and pages and pages

  10. This has got to be a joke.

    I’d strategically place dill seeds in my teeth, and eat crunchy carrots that I bought from the corner store while he’s watching TV.

  11. I would go out on my bike, get it covered in really filthy stinking mud, leaves and dog excrement and then clean it in the bath. And leave the plug in.

    I’d practise the calming technique of hypochondria whenever in his presence.

  12. I would tell my friends to drop by any time to read the newspapers on his newly-upholstered antique furniture. Afterwards, we would barbecue rare steaks and surreptitiously eat massive GM tomatoes. Finally, we would end the evening by going to bed without brushing first.

  13. Spud

    I think any place that makes you room with someone, sounds like prison.

    having said that…

    some very funny stuff going on there Natalie 😎

  14. I’d anonymously order him a fruit of the month basket, and when he looked at me each month it was delivered i’d just give him a shrug and a grin. Then walk past, grab a piece of whatever fruit is that month’s special, say ‘Merci!’ and take a big bite.

  15. The post has been removed. I did not get to partake in the hijinks! 🙁

    I am afraid to look at the leaflet. Very afraid.

  16. mikeB

    Damn. Any chance you saved a copy, Dave?

  17. CJ

    Someones got to have it in their web cache.

  18. I did, indeed, have it in my cache, and it’s now available here. 😮

  19. Ok, the “here” was supposed to be a link… oops. Just go to my site. It’s there.
    [Fixed the link and changed the link on my post to yours. Thanks, Maggie! — Davezilla]

  20. I wonder what he does with Basil Ironweed every third Tuesday of the month, since he’s a perfectionist and requires complete silence for his upholstring hobby…

  21. CJ

    I suppose he would allow my home taxidermy

  22. Esther

    Thanks, Maggie! 😀

  23. You get what you pay for. Apparently that goes for roommates as well.

  24. Keith

    Given the “IT MUST SIZZLE” comment, he appears to be channelling Achewood.

  25. JFLY

    I’d play the bagpipes during his favorite tv shows, stopping only during the breaks.

    I’d teach his dog to scoot his butt on the davenport.

    I would watch Cirque de Soleil in surround-sound while eating Oreos and smiling. Then I’d ask to borrow his toothbrush.

    I would invite the Jehovah’s Witnesses in and repeat everything they said in Urdu.

  26. OHHHHHhhhhhh my gawd. 🙄

    I am surprised he does not have a rule against getting out of bed in the middle of the night to pee. “I am a light sleeper. The flushing toilet will cause me to awaken. I will be unable to return to sleep. Please do no use the bathroom between midnight and 7 AM.”

    I would come home from work to the living room. Take off my shoes. Take off my socks. Drape the socks on a couch pillow. Clip my toe nails and watch them fly across the room sometimes remarking, “Wow. That one got some good distance.”

    I would shave my genitals in his bathroom sink and leave the ‘residue’.

    I would leave hafl eaten pizzas on the table for weeks at a time.

    What a neurotic jerk… 👿

  27. I would shave my genitals in his bathroom sink and leave the ‘residue’.

    Merth, please read today’s link immmediately. 😛

  28. CJ

    Maybe I could make him him scream in URDU-“Au Mere Allah Mere Sur Me Kulahri Hai” Oh my God there is a axe in my head

  29. Dmytro

    Well the guy only asks for $300 in rent for a room – that sure is close to nothing in L.A. area.

  30. Dmytro 2

    Looks like the guy is having obsessive-compulsive disorder.

  31. That sooooooooo cannot be real?????? That’s just pure craziness! He should probably turn his house into a mental institute. It sounds like that’s what he really needs. He would have lots of company there!

  32. Esther

    JFLY –I would watch Cirque de Soleil in surround-sound while eating Oreos and smiling. Then I’d ask to borrow his toothbrush.


  33. “I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely.” gee wonder why he is lonley.:roll:

  34. Dmytro 3

    That’s a free country, isn’t it?

    The guy has some specific requests in exchange for a greatly reduced rent.

    What on Earth is wrong with that?

  35. Spud

    Because it strangely smacks of a scenario like Christian Bale in American Psycho.

    Just to be on the safe side, I recommend…



  36. Esther

    Specific requests usually include non-smoking, non-ugly, etc.

    I’d say Mr. AnalRetentiveMcFussyPants’ requests speak of a borderline psychosis and complete whack job.

    Along with Spud’s advice, I would also recommend total avoidance.

  37. Mandy

    Esther, in your honor I will name my first-born “Mr. AnalRetentiveMcFussyPants” :kiss:

  38. Esther

    Wow, Mandy, I’m honored…and a little disturbed at that news. lol 🙂

  39. Since he is so concerned about my Gingiva I think I would floss obsessively in front of him, making sure to fling chunks of rare beef accross the room, Of course I would use a new 2 foot piece of floss for each space between my teeth and leave the discarded floss everywhere.

  40. Spud

    eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww 😕

  41. The details of my life are quite inconsequential…. very well, where do i begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

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