Top Signs You May Be a Walking Asshole

  1. You double-park your Hummer in the handicapped section
  2. Your television cost more than your education
  3. You post naked pictures of your ex- online
  4. You often make lefthand turns from the right turn lane
  5. You feel the neighbor’s lawn is your ashtray
  6. You have nine online identities, none of which accurately reflect your age, weight, gender or disposable income
  7. You leave tips for the server under an overturned glass of water
  8. You feel that, “What? It’s biodegradable,” is a good enough excuse for not cleaning up after your dog
  9. You think nothing of leaving your skirt, thong and office supplies in the hallway
  10. You leave spam comments on my site
  11. What are the signs you’ve identified?

With assistance from the lovely Nikki

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  1. mikeB

    The twerp in the office who always bites into the last bagel/donut/slice of pizza without seeing if anyone has had one yet.

    Fucktards who still think Bush is doing a great job with a 28% approval rating.

  2. People that shove past you when you open a door.

  3. Duker

    You may be a walking asshole if……….

    1) Gay men on the street try to fuck your face!
    2) You have to part the hemorrhoids to see!
    3) You frequently impale yourself…..I got nuthin….. :dead:

  4. You try to get a date with a girl by insinuating that she should cook dinner for you. (Yes, I know this guy. I ignored this guy).

  5. Ace

    People who are ashamed of their dogs ears.

  6. Paul

    You take up more space than you require on mass transit.

    Your pants don’t cover the part that shows your asshole. How do they stay on?

    You went shopping and you come to my house every 10 minutes to show me what you bought.
    when your friends come to visit you go out to the parking lot to entertain them.

  7. djemm

    I hated that link dogs are the only animals that don’t attack us on sight and this is what we do to them. πŸ‘Ώ

  8. All witnessed, to my great misfortune:

    1. You fart inhumanly loud in a packed elevator and say very loudly, “Man, there’s that last bit of lunch I was looking for!”
    2. You refer to your girlfriend as “my stinky fish-bitch ho” right in front of her and all of your friends, and then laugh in a much-too loud voice.
    3. You perform what sounds like incredibly loud masturbation (or vigorously orgasmic pooping) in the shared men’s washroom on the same floor as my office and I get stuck having to listen to you while trying to pee.
    4. You are my landlord.

  9. Stephanie

    1. You wear sunglasses indoors as if you were Jack Nicholson. Only he can get away with this!!
    2. You tell your plain Jane friend about how all the guys stare at you and tell you how gorgeous they think you are.
    3. Your last name is Hilton.
    4. You allow your unruly bratty kids run loose in the restaurant while I am trying to enjoy a quiet meal.
    5. You go the the movies and yap on your cellphone the entire time.

  10. Anna

    1. People who want better service (than us) in restaurant or shop because “don’t you know who I am!?!”
    2. Guys who watch your :boob: :boob: when they talk to you (I can hear you think (guys) “but what else is there to look at?”).
    3. People at the checkout who want to pay with exact change and go rummaging through their clothes (several times).
    4. Those fanatical ex-smokers who tell me I HAVE to quit because it is SO bad for me.
    5. People who (almost) physically attack me because my dog is pooping in the grass ….. while I have my scooper handy!

  11. 1. You have 87 things, but get in the “Express Checkout Line”.
    2. You don’t replace the empty tissue roll.
    3. You message women and demand “ASL PLZ”.
    4. You talk on your cell phone instead of driving your fricking car.
    5. Your occupation is “telemarketer” or “bill collector” and you call me.
    6. You blast your rap music so loud that it rattles the windows of my house as you drive by.
    7. You believe your children are saints when in fact the whole neighborhood knows they are evil spawn.
    8. You leave your dog chained up outside all year round.
    9. You take the parking space somebody else shovelled out for themselves.
    10. You let your 3-year-old play outside without supervision.
    11. You blow the leaves over onto your neighbor’s lawn instead of raking them up.
    12. You dial a wrong number and then just hang up instead of apologizing.


  12. Becky

    Bible thumpers who INSIST my dogs won’t bite them when they try to get on our deck.
    Bible thumpers who INSIST on trying to talk to me over 200lbs of barking dog.
    Bible thumpers who INSIST on not leaving after I’ve told them I’m Wiccan (that seems to make them more zealous)
    Anybody who thinks you can change a gay person to straight.
    Anybody who likes Bush.

  13. mitch

    (I’m lacking all the Bush bashings. There’s hope for this gang yet.)
    1. You invade countrys just for the sheer thrill of it.
    2. You shoot, but do not kill, your rich lawyer friend while hunting.
    3. You own a place called “The No Spin Zone”.
    4. You allow a major US city to be destroyed because of your incompetence.
    5. You cut programs for education and poor people and then talk about what a good Christian you are.

  14. Spud


    I got nothing.

    I think.


    I’ll get back to you.

    Leave me your ph no:

    I’ll call tommorrow.

    It’s in the mail.


  15. Marcus

    [Comment ID #27298 will be quoted here]

    Great JFLY!!! πŸ˜† Here are some more for you.

    1. Parents who sit and watch their child break things in a store when my mother would have broken all my fingers.
    2. People who buy puppies and dispose of them when they grow up.
    3. People who stand two by two on the escalator. Helloooo! Some people have places to go.
    4. People who push in to get on the subway or the elevator.
    5. People who think they know everything, but use their hands when they talk as if it will convince me more.
    6. People who leave large logs in the public toilet and never flush.
    7. People who ask 101 question in order to get closer to you. Shove off ass.

    I hate it when people dress their dogs up and think its so and loooook he loves his sweater. People who do that have way too much time on their hands. Maybe they should try doing the same thing to a lion. 😈

  16. bash

    A) Your name is Johnny Damon
    B) You take pride in wearing yankees paraphernalia
    C) you think that allowing a traitor to play on your team is justifiable, so long as they cut their hair and shave their facial hair off.

  17. mikeB

    [Comment ID #27250 will be quoted here]

    Do you have any idea how untrue this statement is? Lots of dogs routinely attack on sight and when was the last time a bunny took you down? πŸ™„

  18. Mandy

    You’re a 15 year-old cheerleader and youn insist on practicing your cheers everywhere. In the women’s restroom, in restaurants, movie theaters.. :dead:

  19. C

    You feel the need to insult your neighbor every time she walks out the door in a vain attempt to make you feel better about your pathetic life working as a vending machine stocker.

  20. cbatdux

    [Comment ID #27337 will be quoted here]

    T tokens to Fenway – $2.50
    Tickets to first Yankee/Red Sox game this year – $250
    Too much beer and bad food – $75
    Watching Damon go 0-4 with a run-scoring error in center field – PRICELESS

  21. cbatdux

    WOW – I feel a lot of hostility from the gang today. Do you all feel better now? That’s it – let it all out…let it go.

  22. you think that some one you watched grow up is still a child but he is 26 and has grown up considerably since you met him at 10 :limp:

  23. bhamm

    I have seen every one of these.

    If you proudly display the icon :troll: as your pic.

    If you hassle the IT guy during his lunch because your home computer is out of ink.

    If you leave your wrecked car double-parked in an apartment complex’s lot.

    If you drive your friend to a bar and your friend gets sick, you make them wait out in the car until you are ready to go home (an hour and a half later).

    If you leave only a shot of coffee left in the pot and don’t make more because “It’s not empty”.

    If you think the gross jokes that they do to each other on “Jackass” and “Viva La Bam” are so funny that you do them to your own friends.

    If you truly believe Andrew Dice Clay had it right about women.

  24. franklito

    if you think im a share my steak , and get mad when i dont
    if you fall in the toilet and blame it on me. like its my fault you didnt notice the seat up
    if you pass me on the highway and then slow down 😑 idiot
    if you want to fight me cause i left the party with your girl, obviously she wasnt your girl πŸ™„
    if you think that just cause your older you know whats best, no you still work at mcdonalds and are mad cause i pull up in a car that is more than what you get paid in a year.
    if when u get drunk you start to think your interestin. get your drunk ass off me
    if you get drunk at the club and think your cute by dancin on the table meanwhile your 100 lbs overweight, poor table.
    if you think you can change my mind by askin me the same thing over and over.
    if you let my dog bite you. nobody told you to walk in my gate that has a sign that reads killer dog. and try to sue me and kill my dog. good for you i hope it hurts.
    if you drive so slow that people are passin you on a one way street in rush hour and whenever someone tries to pass you you speed up.then drive slow again.
    thats all for now

  25. Soul

    If you let your dog out of your yard …… with no leash, knowing that it could bite someone.
    If you let your child throw temper tantrums… in the middle of a busy grocery isle.
    If you COMPLETLY ruin a country’s economy….(Bush)
    If you send a country to war over something your father started…(Bush) πŸ‘Ώ
    If you sit in front of somebody’s apartment and lay on your car horn…. at 2:30 IN THE MORNING

  26. franklito

    you walk into someones house and go straight to the fridge and make yourself somethin to eat before sayin hi. get the f..k out my house before i sick killa on you freeloader.

  27. franklito

    just because your football team won the superbowl you think your the s..t. you aint win s..t ass hole the team did. dumbass. you still suck and your still pathetic.

  28. franklito

    if you think cause i got a six pack that you can just walk up and take one without askin, and never chip in for more beer.

  29. Burnsy

    – If you see a person & car stranded/broke down on the side of the road and even though the lane next to you is empty you do not get over nor slow down.

    – The jackasses that see everyone is merging over into one of the lanes because the other lane is closed so instead of just merging over they hit the gas and fly down the lane, passing all those who merged when they were supposed to, knowing full well that someone will let them in. I refuse.

    I actually saw someone do this when there was a wreck on the highway. Traffic was backed up considerably and everyone was over in the right lane. Some stupid bitch thinks she is gonna drive all the way up to the wreck in the left lane. So she drives all the way up where the cops & rescue are trying to deal with the wreck. Obviously there was no where for her to go so she turns around and drives the wrong direction in the left lane. I was laughing as the Indiana State Police Officer chased her down and pulled her over. Finally one of those jackasses got what was coming to them.

  30. Soul

    If you know somebody’s gay and still tell your friend that they should hit on that person.
    If you fart in an elevator, and everybody knows that it was you and you still look around as if you’re innocent.
    If you use the bathroom…at an arena…. leave toilet paper in the toilet… don’t flush… And THEN DON”T wash your hands… even though there’s a long line of other women in that same room.

    If you know you’re down to the last rool of toilet paper and don’t tell anyvody so that they can some more 😑
    If you’re 45………. And STILL LIVE with mother…….. and try to hit on 21 year old single women ❓

  31. Oh my goodness Dave, I’ve always suspected but now I know- #s 1-8 are bred right here in central Va. I don’t know if they migrate or exported.

  32. Dennis Bookhart

    I dittoe MikeB’s comment about those who think Bush is doing a good job as president. Personally, I don’t think he has enough brains or capability of even doing doing a good hand job, let alone one as president. Although I do give him credit for demonstrating great ability at beting a lying bastard!

  33. brainchallenged

    If you fart a SBD while walking down a shopping isle then go to the end of the isle & watch the nose wrinkles & gags!! :puke:

  34. The people who miss the 5 signs that say “cash only” then get pissy when they can’t pay with a credit card.

  35. brainchallenged52

    Damn forgot my avatar again…

  36. Dawn

    Pepole who are behind you at a stop light that honk their horns as soon as the light turns green (they must be from jersey) :wtf:

  37. jules

    people who ask for a place to crash for one night then try to move in just because you own your house. (get out!) when greyhound over books your bus by 120 people. if you must touch every pregnant belly you see.(stop touching me!)call animal control becuz you have tied your dog out for the 10min it takes them to shit.that person that insists they are the only ones who knows anything about cars, and badgers you to let them fix yours when they can’t even keep theirs running.(no means no!) ok thats all i’v got πŸ™„

  38. Your idea of foreplay is chopping up a black wig, gluing it all over yourself, and forcing your significant other to call you Robin Williams while they rub nacho cheese all over your body.

  39. Duke

    Wow. I dont agree with everything republicans do, but I still take a lesser of two evils. And I don’t consider myself an asshole for it.

  40. Marcus

    I see some road rage here. I remember a story in Boston which was a bad case of road rage. An old guy shoot the other driver with a crossbow and killed him. Take that asshole πŸ‘Ώ

    Some more assholes

    1. People who never have their change ready before they get to the toll booth.
    2. People who tell the same stories again and again. Funny the first time.
    3. People who ask the question, “Do you remember me?” NO, I want to forget you.
    4. People who say “Sorry to bother you, but I have a couple question.” Do your own fucking work and stop wasting my time because you are so stupid.
    5. People who have no sense of time. It’s 4 in the morning you asshole.
    6. People who say me, I, me, I, me, I and me. Excuse I need to count the tiles on the floor.
    7. People who call me asshole when they were the ones being assholes. :wtf:
    8. People who think they are God’s gift to man. I hope he welcomes you home soon.
    9. One for Becky, Bible thumpers who stand on the street and yell, “You’re all goin to Hell! Repent the kingdom of Christ is at hand.”

    This bitching about asshole stuff is very relaxing. Like therapy Dave. πŸ‘Ώ

  41. Bjorn Freeh

    1. You have a Hummer (Dave was overly wordy)
    2. You pass me, pull in front of me, then slow down
    3. You have cleavage down to there and expect me to look at your eyes πŸ™„
    4. Your dont profreading befor posting
    5. You think 25 cans of the same thing counts as a single item in the express lane
    6. You think that, because you have a little orange smock, you’re God’s representative in the hardware aisle
    7.You have little feet attached to your anus

  42. selkielass

    Your television cost more than your education…and you’ve defaulted on your student loans.

  43. Jeffro

    1. Your breath smells like shit
    2. your lips are brown & puckered
    3. your best friends are 2 nuts & a :limp:

  44. Paige

    You are a walking asshole when your waitress(me) comes to your table to take your order and you are too busy talking on your cell phone to even notice that I am there and then act like I am bothering you when I ask to take your order. You are short when you give your order and then you complain to the other person that you were being bothered. F U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  45. Duker

    4) People try to light your burps!
    5) Klingons keep getting stuck in your teeth!

  46. logan

    if where ever you go people have an “i hate you” look on their face oh wait thats me never mind……. :dead:

  47. hardunderground

    1. When you say you only have tap water to offer me after you’ve just poured yourself some iced tea
    2. You NEVER answer your phone
    3. You make jokes about how rich you are to servers in restaurants while visiting Mexico

  48. Bubbles

    You lie your pathetic ass off on your myspace profile and think you can get away with it. Duh – some of us went to high school with you.

    You are 14 years younger than my husband but stare at him as though I’m not standing next to him holding his hand or grabbing his ass.

    You cut ahead of me in line at the DMV – I’ve been waiting 3 hours already!!!

    You come to work sick as a dog and give your germs to everyone here.

  49. Becky

    Wow thanks people for making me laugh today!! Thankx Dave……I love this site!! πŸ˜†

  50. You smack your food loud enough for the whole room to hear.


    You blow your nose like a trumpet at the table at a packed restaurant πŸ˜›

  51. JFLY

    You have a stupid plastic goose on your front porch that you dress up accordingly for each holiday (I have always wanted to ride around the neighborhood late at night and shoot those damned things like it was hunting season).

    You are a landlord who can’t wait 3 fricking days for the rent, but you own 6 houses and 2 sportscars and take 4 vacations a year.

    You’re a racist cop who treats the victim like the criminal just because the criminal is the same race as you.

    You talk about your boring job constantly and in great detail until I am sliding off my chair and under the table like I am 6-year-old.

    You constantly cut people off in conversation and never listen to what anyone else has to say. Shut up!

    You’re a man and you think that all women need to be treated like they are dumb blondes (chances are my IQ is higher than yours, asshole).

    You try to catch vegetarians “cheating”. We don’t bitch when you eat a salad, do we?

    You write in library books or worse yet, tear out pages.

  52. Shawn

    1. If you slam on Bush and Cheney cause the 4 foot tall guy on the “Daily Show” sounds so funny when he does it.

    2. If your baseball team pays more in luxury tax than other teams pay their entire roster and you still cant win a pennant.

    3. The Cubs… the goat is stronger than the babe.

  53. You make your dog wear a babushka (see link of the day).

  54. chainstay

    people who push past a couple riding the escalator if your in such a hurry try the stairs

  55. chainstay

    it is not the dogs fault but the asshole owners

  56. chainstay

    people who sit talking on their cell phones when the light turns green and don’t notice

  57. MrDoug

    Lets see here…
    You’re a Clinton
    You’re a Kennedy
    You think that taking my money in the form of taxes that I pay from money I earned and giving it to some drooling crippled kid is a great idea
    You insist on cooking curry and fish at work
    You wear a freaking towel on your head and smell like ass
    You bathe in the toilet at work
    You sit in your cube and fart all day and everyone is too polite to tell you that it smells like a small rodent climbed into your ass and died
    You have the audacity to have a heart attack at work
    You die at work and do not add the time to the vacation schedule so we know that you will be out

  58. Mandy

    Your name is MrDoug

  59. Traci

    When some asshole pulls out in front of me going 10, so I get into other lane to pass him, the asshole speeds up to 45 so I can’t, then slams on his brakes! That is an asshole! It probably a good thing I don’t own a gun. 😑

  60. [Comment ID #27472 will be quoted here]

    The reverse is equally bad, Traci. When they zoom up to pass you and then slow down below the speed limit. 😐

  61. dougieace

    thanks mandy,this prick isnt good for the dougs.burn prick burn

  62. Bjorn Freeh

    [Comment ID #27471 will be quoted here]

    Two days ago, I suspected Mandy was the perfect woman. Today, I’m sure of it.

    Thanks, Mandy!

  63. liza

    – you chase people down the street screaming because their dog got within 10 ft of your grass
    – you teach health while drinking 5 sodas a day
    – you insist on teaching things that no one will ever need to know in real life
    – you constantly tell people what they should do
    – you are over 50 and wear the same pair of faded saggy speedos every day :puke:

  64. MrDoug

    Sniff Sniff it is true I am beyond a doubt a, Brown eye, leather cherio etc.

    But like all wrong opinions everyone has one…some are just biger than others…

  65. Marcus

    It is against common sense to stand 2 by 2 on the escalator and most people would consider it rude. You can still talk to your friend, knit a sweater, read War and Peace, and practice Yoga if you stand to one side. Think about this, they look like stairs for a reason. :wtf:

  66. Goth Princess

    You’re a fucking god damn politician!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😑

  67. tony

    people who tell you how to raise your kids and they have none
    people who tell you spanking is wrong as there child destroys things around them

  68. JFLY

    [Comment ID #27465 will be quoted here]

    LMAO…I almost said that Nikki. I’m part Czech and it’s the first thing that came to my mind when I viewed that link. I’m wondering when the owners will equip the dogs with shopping bags or accordions… πŸ˜›

  69. kebatron

    if u stare at :boob: :boob: all day long. u’re the opposite of an ashole. :wang: :thong:

  70. Anita Mann-Badley

    You know, Dave, if this site is supposed to be “Clean humor, filthy comments”, maybe you should have called today’s topic, “Top Signs You May Be a Walking Pulsating sphincter”. (you know, just for future reference)

  71. [Comment ID #27566 will be quoted here]
    Double LMAO…I immediately thought, “Dogs in babushkas. Oh how cute!” But this is coming from the woman who as a child used to dress her male guinea pig, Bobby, in a green prairie skirt. He looked just like Barry Manilow.

  72. cbatdux

    We need MR DOUG to keep the universe in balance. If we have to listen to Mitch blather on, we need to listen to MR DOUG. (Of course, Mitch is WAY more intelligent and humorous, and probably better looking – not as good looking as Mandy, tho, or Bjorn, but….well, what I’m trying to say is..

  73. cbatdux

    You leave a paper clip, thong and skirt outside of your apartment to drive your neighbor crazy…..

  74. Kinyou

    Things that show you might be a walking asshole. Hmm, I think that maybe I can come up with a couple..

    1. People who smell extrememly bad of the most utter disgusting body odor and tease other people for it, even though they as well as everyone else know’s that it’s really them.
    2. People who act like tough shit, talk smack and do nothing afterwards.
    3. Christian people who demand that you accept so and so into your heart, because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do.
    4. People who call you immature and ignorant just because of your age, though that has absolutely nothing to do with it. (To limit’s)
    5. People who eye you up and down and then act as if you’re friends the next day.

    I can’t think of anymore! X-x;

  75. Aaron

    When your dad says
    “We need these 3 songs off of this cd and this one off of this cd, and then we need at least 5 seconds of space between them, and all burned on a cd.
    Oh, by the way, we’re leaving for the funeral in 2 minutes, so hurry.”


  76. Kevin

    You are DEFINITELY an asshole if you don’t accept responsibilty for your own actions and you blame everything wrong with your life on the Bush administration.

  77. jayray


  78. Craig

    You’re name is jay leno.

  79. Mandy

    [Comment ID #27772 will be quoted here]

    LOL! πŸ˜€

  80. paddlepoplion

    [Comment ID #27364 will be quoted here]

    Re: #4 : You refuse to help others at work, when they are polite about it.

  81. inewton

    a couple from england: you know you’re a walking asshole when:

    1. you continue to smoke when everybody with half an ounce of sense knows that it kills you.
    2. you say the above cos you recently stopped smoking and would secretly love a cigarette.
    3. you use your alleged enormous high iq (jfly) to bitch about others instead of using it to do something useful like curing lung cancer for people who won’t stop smoking.
    4. you show your lack of understanding of simple english grammar by continuing the sentence ‘you know you’re a walking asshole when’ with the words ‘people who’….
    5. you are an english person who critisises the grammar that americans use.
    6. you don’t use capital letters at the beginning of a sentence

    Rest assured i’ll be returning later with some more gems from the other side of the pond. Oh yes, what’s this ‘bush’ everyone keeps complaining about? is it some kind of topiary? Like a small shrub perhaps?

  82. 4. you show your lack of understanding of simple english grammar by continuing the sentence Γ’β‚¬Λœyou know youÒ€ℒre a walking asshole whenÒ€ℒ with the words Γ’β‚¬Λœpeople whoÒ€ℒÒ€¦.

    Does that show my lack of understanding of grammar? Perhaps it serves to remind everyone, even admitted arseholes like yourself, that I tend to write my posts in about 10 minutes? πŸ˜›

  83. mikeB

    inewton. That’s Breton for “born without a penis”, isn’t it?

  84. [Comment ID #28091 will be quoted here]


  85. Master Solace

    [Comment ID #27690 will be quoted here]

    Trust me I DO accept responsibility for my own actions, faults, and problems I cause. I do not blame anything in my own sphere of reality on the Bush admin. I just like to point out the problems that the Bush admin has caused, like just about every problem nationally that has occured since the little prick nicknamed “DUBYA” got elected president of OUR country the good ol’ USA. I just want to point out the questionable leader’s faults, and it makes me happy doing so.

  86. Master Solace

    continued from above

    sphere of reality – the enviroment in which you are intact with on a daily basis using your five natural senses

    EXAMPLE: My sphere of reality is changing, the sphere is getting smaller and my sense of reality is getting more and more fake everyday. Quoted from…um…myself.

    And on an even less serious note, I thought about giving our great bonehead of a president a new nickname, one with street credit, like “P. Diddy” befor he became just Diddy…and the only one I could come up with was “Dubya B.”…and then I got to thinking about it…and unfortunately I would probably get sued by Warner Bros. for gimmick infringement from their soon-to-be-defunct television station. So it looks like I will have to stck with “The Boy King” George Dubya…or Boy George, for short!!! πŸ˜€

  87. Master Solace

    Sorry to ALL Boy George Fans…no matter how few πŸ˜›

  88. Master Solace

    The musician, not the president!!

  89. Master Solace

    [Comment ID #28648 will be quoted here]

    I only put it there just incase the ONE fan(if in existance) that’s not Boy George…er…him…self…might have seen the post. You never know, anything is possible, nothing is impossible.

  90. Master Solace

    And I think the “He has fans?” comment you made applies to the President Boy George, as well.

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