I am in need of two safety pins

While at the corporate giant coffeehouse the other day, I had the unfortunate experience of standing in line behind a most irksome woman, a beastly snob who felt the world was here to serve her. Picture Harry Potter’s fat Aunt Marge with an uppity East Coast accent.

She got out of line to ask two other women what their opinion was of her shoulderpads:
Annoying woman: “Ladies. If you were to go to a wedding, [ turns around ] and you had these shoulderpads, would you cut them out, or leave them?”
Both women said, “Uh, cut them out?”
Annoying woman: “See, this is why I asked you instead of a man [points rudely at me and her husband]. Like they would know what I’m talking about. You! [ snaps her fingers ] Good and helpful people of Starbucks! I am in need of two safety pins! Hurry now.”
Barista: “Ma’am, we don’t carry sewing supplies.”
Annoying woman: “I see. All right then, a straight pin.”
Barista: “We … don’t have those either.”
Annoying woman: “Well this won’t do. You come into Starbucks and expect someone to help you and they practically spit in your face. I … [ dramatic hand flourish ] am leaving.”

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  1. JFLY

    Snobs at Starbucks? Who would’ve thunk? :wtf:

  2. They never fucking spell my real name correctly at Starbucks, even though it’s a pretty common name, so sometimes I go by other names like…Dante.

  3. Dave, are you sure you didn’t see this on Mad TV and the annoying woman was a Wayans sister?

  4. I thought shoulder pads became extinct in the late 80s. If only snobs were an endangered species…

  5. Spud

    a swirl of the cape and a puff of smoke would complete the exit…


  6. Pinky

    Um…”fat Aunt Marge”? Harry Potter has a tall, skinny Aunt Petunia…or so I thought…
    She DOES sound like a fat-annoying-woman character in the 6th book, “Mrs. Umbridge”. But either way…
    I would have liked to see the door hit her ass on her way out. And/or perhaps her husband turn to you and say something along the lines of “I’ll give you anything you want if you could ‘take care’ of her for me…”

  7. Pinky, in chapter two of Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry’s fat Aunt Marge (Mr. Dursely’s sister) comes to visit. In the movie version, she is inflated like a balloon and flies over Surrey.

  8. pappy

    It’s a good thing her fat ass left..

    The people at Starbucks might have been having a bad day and “accidentaly” put something in the bizotch’s coffee. :java: 😈

  9. Bob Boyn

    I think you are all missing the point, like, DUH!
    WHy in the hell doesn’t Starbucks carry sewing supplies?!!!!

  10. Anna

    My question would be: “Well Dave, and did you know what she was talking about??

  11. Yes, Anna. I did. I would have told her that shoulder pads went out in 1985 and how was it that she was still in possession of blouses that have them? 😈

  12. Yes, Anna. I did. I would have told her that shoulder pads went out in 1985 and how was it that she was still in possession of blouses that have them? 😈

  13. turbance

    Given her size, I wonder if the shoulder pads might come in handy in clearing the way to the buffet at the reception.:???:

  14. MIKE

    Her Husband & I ordered coffee, asked the waitress to join us, We laughed at the rude comments from his wife, enjoyed the rest of the morning and forgot about the bitch.

  15. turbance

    Amen! But seriously, what exactly does she need the safety pins for?

  16. jay

    what a crotchety old bitch:undies:

  17. Anonymous


  18. this is just so cinematic…I love it.

    Kill her, or better yet…kill her husband the poor bastad (no typo there)

    cheers and up yer face!

  19. Sunshinegrl

    Put the pins in her muffins:razz:

  20. Janell

    This is too funny. I love this site. The nerve of some people, they make for interesting mental targets when I am at the range.

Comments are closed