Fun with Hummers

Hummer taking up 4 spots

I hate Hummers. Not so much the vehicle. The drivers. You have to figure, anyone who drives one in a city has issues. Why? Simple. Out of every ten Hummers you see parked, five of them will be either: double, triple or quadruple parked (as shown above), over a curb, in a Handicapped spot or in a compact car space (also shown above).

While I don’t approve of keying vehicles, I do feel we need to show Hummer drivers what we think of them.

  1. Glue plastic army men all over the hood (bonnet). Use two part epoxy for a permanent hold.
  2. Paint the vehicle pink. Include cartoon bunnies that say “I wuv u”.
  3. Slap on bumper stickers such as, “I brake for unicorns”, “I support NAMBLA”, “Follow me to the KKK Rally” or “Cops suck”.
  4. Brighten their day with an Exhaust pipe whistler tip.
  5. Drop a squirrel/snake/tarantula in their back seat.
  6. The glass windshields (windscreens) on Hummers fold down. This means with some effort they can be replaced with screens.
  7. Any other ideas?
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Show 44 Comments


  1. Siphon all the gas out of their tank, that way you don’t have to waste money at the pumps! 😈

    Put on those bullet hole stickers so the owner will think someone shot at the car.

    Paint on rainbow stripes and attach a sign that says, “For some good homo lovin’ call…”

  2. I’d go with a classic – the banana in the tail pipe. In this case, you could probably fit a whole bunch in that sucker.

    ‘Xtreme Grocery Shopping.’
    ‘Caution: Chickenhawk in Denial’
    ‘Driving a Prius = Letting the terrorists win.’
    ‘Hunting deer is for faggots. Join the Minutemen’
    ‘American beer, foreign oil. Hell yeah!’
    ‘Iraq. Loved the war so much, I bought the car.’
    ‘RNC Parking Permit’
    ‘Why Hummer? ..because I couldn’t pronounce Porsche.’

  4. Spud

    Neat trick, 4 spaces at once.

    #3 sounds do-able and highly amusing.

    However, I always believe in the old and tested methods…

    #7 – Slash the tyres –


  5. Alex

    Release from tires that are impeding the adjoining space!

  6. Anna

    One word: “Sledgehammer”.

  7. Spud

    3 words …

    “I wanna be ….”

  8. bhamm

    One Bumpber Sticker says it all:

    Hummer… Making Up for Small Penises Since 1998.

  9. Spray paint, “PENIS ENVY” on all four sides.

  10. Petroleum jelly is very difficult to remove from auto glass.

    It also slowly dissolves the rubber gaskets around the windows and the windshield wipers.

    Applying it just to the wipers is particularly insidious.

    I hear. No first-hand experience in my troubled youth, natch.

  11. Drusky

    In Northern Nevada, the Hummer is quite popular, but unlike California, we actually see them offroad, not just city driving like those pussies on CSI:Miami… Too mush of a status thing, tho… I’ll stick to my 87 Surburban for the Winter snow and back country and the Toyota Camery for the serious city/highway driving…

  12. Drusky

    Oops, can’t even spell ‘Camry’… gotta buy new coffee maker today… :java: :java: 😳

  13. Dino

    Only trouble is that’s not a Hummer. A Hummer has the spare tire on the back door. It’s most likely a Jeep Cherokee and everyone knows that anyone who drives a car named for an American Indian is politically incorrect.

  14. scamper95

    nothing like a little c4 to help put one in its parking spot

  15. Bjorn Freeh

    Perhaps the best thing to do, assuming this is a publicly-owned garage, is to inform the local constabulary and insist they enforce whatever regulations are on the books. Vigilantism is not the answer.

    So, for instance, I would never suggest using a squirt gun filled with ferric chloride (liquid rust). Such a suggestion would offend my sensibilities as a law-abiding member of society. I certainly wouldn’t want that…

  16. Why not just dump them in a field with all the SUVs, and set fire to them!? 😛 Oh. We don’t want the petrol to be wasted; so we’ll siphon that off first! 😈

  17. Patrick

    I’ve seen the pink Hummer. It resides in Poteau OK. Also home of the World’s Tallest Hill for you utrivia buffs.
    Sorry, I can’t advocate for or condone destruction of property. I’m an adult now and while they USED to tolerate that behavior in teenagers they don’t anymore and never did with those of us old enough to pay for the damages.
    But I will laugh my ass off when they pay for the fuel to feed that beast!
    Young Frankensteve was in freakin credible!

  18. mikeme

    Nothing says “SCREW YOU” like owning a Hummer! 👿 👿

  19. I tend to go “Old School” in the “vehicular retribution” department…

    I prefer the two pronged attack of:

    #1. Crazy glue in door locks
    #2. Dog poo under door handle

    The end result is that the person attempting to enter the vehicle will tug on the handle a minimum of two times before they realize they’re now fingernails-deep into dog waste.

    Good times!!! 😈

  20. Da Popster

    Awww just put a bumper sticker on the back that sez: “Bikers Suck and Harleys are for Fags” ……… won’t even make it outta the parking lot. 😛 :wtf:

  21. Da Popster

    Orrrrrrrrrr, put a dog in the vehicle, feed it raw hamburg with some laxative in it and let the pooch redecorate the interior. 👿 Actually happened, REALLY bitter enemies they were. :puke:

  22. Flash Gordon

    Much simpler just to dump a pound of sugar in the petrol tank. 👿 👿

  23. phil

    i hear that gasoline and bleach react vvery violently. inject one ping pong ball with bleach, place in gas tank, and leave. the gas will eat through the plastic on the ping pong ball pretty quickly, and then it won’t even matter how shitty the fireworks are in california

  24. True story: In a Nevada parking garage I saw one with a “PETA” bumper sticker. I was convulsed. I wanted to leave a note: “Those animals you profess to love so much need to breathe, too!”

  25. Spud

    [Comment ID #69070 will be quoted here]

    Thx Dr Phil.


  26. Zeke

    change the tires so they’re all different sizes

  27. Drusky

    Dave, It’s nice to see the caliber of sadistic leanings that the mere mention of a Hummer can bring out of the (usually) decent, law-abiding, ‘wouldn’t hurt a fly’ citizens of this website… 🙄

    I’m so glad the idea of crazy-gluing the windshield wiper blades to the windshield or using epoxy to glue the gas cap in place would never occur to any of the gentle people here… 😈

  28. Flash Gordon

    Spray-paint the headlights black. 😕 👿 🙂 😈

  29. Zeke

    sideswipe him with an 18 wheeler.

  30. [Comment ID #68891 will be quoted here]

    How ’bout a dildo instead of a banana?


  31. Hummers are perfect for off-road work. Make the owner proud and throw mud all over it to make it look suitably macho. It’s a popular pastime here in Europe for all 4×4’s in cities.

  32. tres

    the only good “hummers” I get fom my girlfriends

  33. Mandy

    [Comment ID #69273 will be quoted here]

    Amen! :wang:

  34. Drusky

    [Comment ID #69285 will be quoted here]
    Yes, but can you go ‘off-road’?


  35. Omega

    I’ve always preferred something rather…. dramatic. Think, Motolov cocktail up the gas tank. Hmmmmm, what else……. Oh! I always like something along the lines of “rabid weasel”! Or perchance glue some fake :boob: :boob: to it. Also, spray paint on the back,
    Another thing to do is to use the old Mentos-in-the-diet-soda-bottle trick multiple times on the interior. And under the hood. Hmmm, so endless are the possibilities….. I’m thinkin, “Bottle rocket screaming towards the hood.” Just thinking about doing several of the many good suggestions makes me go all :wang:. Yeah. 😈

  36. [Comment ID #69289 will be quoted here]

    I had a “hummer” off road……and on the side of the road too….but that is a different story……… 😈

  37. And something to defile a Hummer……..I saw an H2 that was parked like that…………..I put pieces of lunchmeat on it, egged it good, and put an extra-large condom over the tailpape…………..that was fun…………….. 😈

  38. Russell

    ive seen small cars double parked why not do the same to them. why all the hate on the hummer idiots drive all kinds of cars i am a tall man i am not comfortable in a compact car i do not drive a hummer though i do agree that it is a status simble and idoits no matter what they drive should be hurt i do not think one car should be singled out :boob: :boob: :wang: :wang:

  39. Rick

    large sticker attached to sheet metal body panels using 2 part epoxy adhesive (funny looking little syringe looking thing available at most hardware stores) ——- “I like driving hummers, I like giving hummers”

  40. Rick

    actually, people who drive hummers obviously have some pretty serious self image issues so it really isn’t nice to pick on them —– the only thing the hummer does is to make their problems obvious to the rest of us without having to actually meet them first — kind of like an advance warning system. Maybe we should be thanking them ?

  41. Kate

    [Comment ID #69218 will be quoted here]

    i personaly would go for the alber horsecock but then agian maby it woudn’t do justis to make the poor owner jelous would it now;) 🙄 😆

  42. Kate

    also for all those entail aparently i can’t spell so just forgive and forget. 😛

Comments are closed