Angelina Jolie Facts

In the vein of Chuck Norris Facts, I bring you Angelina Jolie Facts

  1. After consumation of the sex act, Angelina devours her mates.
  2. Angelina Jolie’s doctor takes her temperature with a Kelvin thermometer.
  3. Angelina can start brushfires by walking across grass.*
  4. Dolphins and whales frequently beach themselves in an attempt to see Angelina suntanning.
  5. Angelina Jolie is being deployed to Afghanistan. The mere sight of her will cause Al Qaida members to die from their unstoppable erections.
  6. Every poet who has tried to describe her lips has died from the impossibility of finding the proper adjectives.
  7. Global warming occurs every time Angelina Jolie does a shower scene in a movie.
  8. Old Faith isn’t a geyser; it’s the Earth ejaculating from the mere presence of Angelina Jolie.*
  9. Angelina’s thighs can squeeze coal into diamonds.*
  10. So can her lips.
  11. “Don’t rock the boat” does not apply to Angelina Jolie. She rocks every boat.
  12. Angelina Jolie’s lips can be used as a flotation device.
  13. After Angelina Jolie was born, 50% of the world’s hottest women committed suicide out of respect.
  14. Helen of Troy launched a 1,000 ships. Angelina Jolie slept with every one of the sailors.
  15. Marilyn Monroe died so Angelina could show the rest of the women how it’s done.
  16. Angelina Jolie taught Jell-O how to wiggle.
  17. Angelina Jolie’s pictures have never appeared on “Am I Hot or Not?” Their rating scale doesn’t allow exponents.
  18. Angelina once did her Kegel Exercises in the Pacific Ocean. The resulting tsunami left thousands of Sri Lankans homeless.
  19. Hard water is caused by Angelina Jolie bathing in it.
  20. Sex asks Angelina for tips.

*From the lovely Nikki

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Join the conversation

comment 69 comments
  • Lung the Younger

    18. ….then she adopted all the leftover orphans.

    21. Angelina Jolie’s erogenous zones can be seen from the moon.

    22. Angelina Jolie once married a really old guy which gives some hope even to dweebs like me.

    23. Angelina Jolie sweats pure pheromone.

    24. Angelina Jolie calls the Karma Sutra, ‘The Harry Potter Book of Sex’.

    25. Angelina Jolie is banned from the Vatican

  • Spud

    How can I follow all that?

    Firstly I’ve got to finish playing dress ups with a paper doll…

    26. Angelina Jolie could have me if she said yes.

    :thong:

  • mitch

    26. The three faces of Eve all look like Angelina…aaaahhhh!!!!!
    27. Two words in honor of Angelina…..Mount Rushmore.
    28. She puts the fun back into funny movies…
    29. If there is a God, he/she looks like Angelina.
    30. Knock, knock…who’s there….ANGELINA’S LIPS!!!!!

  • Anna

    Who’s that? …….. I’ve been playing D&D :geek:

  • Lace Valentine

    Mitch: “Knock, knock…who’s there….ANGELINA’S LIPS!!!!!”

    Ha ha! That cracked me up.

    Anna, real nerds play AD&D.

    😛

  • Aevyta

    I’m just going to throw something out there- Angelina Jolie is the sexiest woman alive. You can hate her for her lips, or you can hate her because she stole Brad Pitt, but the truth is that we would all kill ourselves to be Angelina. (Sorry, she’s sort of a hero in this house… the one woman I don’t mind have pictures plastered all over my husband’s computer)

  • Night Queen

    Sorry, I beg to differ. Angelina is pretty,I’ll give her that. But look up Gina Torres( Lawrence Fishburne’s wife) and I think you could agree that they could definitely pass for sisters—they just came out in different flavors! :kiss: — Night Queen

  • Patrick

    31. Angelina sweats Jalapeno!
    32. When she was young Angelina’s mom had her baby sat by sticking her lips to the wall.
    33. Angelina could suck start a Harley. And yes I am changing my name to Harley! :wang:

  • frisko

    Hey, guess what…..before you canonize Ms. Voit, let it be known that she DOES burp, fart, and poops. Now you can go back to sally and her sisters.

  • Davezilla

    No, no she doesn’t, Frisko. Stop lying about her. 😈

  • Lace Valentine

    Frisko you just gotta know that Angelina lights her farts. For instance, the recent volcanic activity in Alaska. Yeah, Angelina breaking wind is major Vulcanism. 😈

  • Nikki

    :wtf:

  • Arachnae

    Haters… If you have never played D&D don’t knock it. I realise this is about Ms Jolie but you’re still harping on the past subject. I have a life, I have great sex, I have a husband, etc. PLUS I play D&D. So chill. Will ya? :wtf:

  • Lung the Younger

    Aye, frisko she doth all of these things
    but let it be knownst that when she burpeth
    ‘Tis as the sultry growl of the sveltest black panther,
    and when a breeze of flatulence doth pass the pale orbs her pert nether cheeks it soundeth soft as a meadow of timid poppies applauding
    with their tender petals e’er the clamor should offend the Gods,
    and when she deems to poop
    it falleth from the gentle heavens like a turtledove
    whose heart hath been rent atwixt from love’s great sorrows…….

    ….. Oh and I’m sure Ms. Voigt knows how to spell her old man’s surname correctly too.

  • Davezilla

    [Comment ID #18813 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I have. When I was 12. That’s why I can knock it. 😈

  • Davezilla

    [Comment ID #18807 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I will agree that Gina Torres is way hot, but Angelina is beyond hot. She is a force of nature. :wang:

  • Nina

    Can’t remember where I read it but I once read a poll that stated over 50% of woman admitted they wanted to sleep with Angelina. 😀

  • Bjorn Freeh

    What’s the diff between playing D&D and getting all mooshie-mooshie at pictures of Angelina Jolie? You’re more likely to score hit points in D&D!

    Unless you’re Chuck Norris, that is.

  • underdog

    laughing my ass off @ lung the younger

  • underdog

    read it again that shit is funny

  • Lace Valentine

    Let it be known:

    I’d rather sleep with Emily Dickinson than Angelina Jolie.
    Emily Dickinson in bed would be way hotter than Angelina Jolie.

    Let it be known. :thong:

  • Lace Valentine

    Than Emily and I would, after sex,
    play D&D and she’d roll the 20 sided dice
    down her boobs.

  • Davezilla

    [Comment ID #18824 Will Be Quoted Here]

    You do that, Lace. Dickinson’s accomplishments pale in comparison to Jolie’s. (By that I mean her lips, legs, face, figure, etc.)

  • Lace Valentine

    Yeah, Dave, Emily is pale all over. :mrgreen:

  • Wendy

    Hey…I once read in an interview that Angelina said that she would like to taste every person on Earth…hope is not lost, people!

  • mitch

    Arachnae….you’re a grown woman, a hottie I’m sure, but come on…D & D???

  • Lace Valentine

    [Comment ID #18829 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Maybe she’s talking cup size…

    😈

  • Nikki

    😀 @ Wendy

  • franklito

    I heard Angelina wants to have sex with every co-star she has, male or female, damn why didnt i take actin lessons damn 😡

  • franklito

    Angelina is the only one who can do justice to a video game, she made me want to raid her tomb.

  • franklito

    ANGELina sounds like a spanish angel that came down to forgive all our erotic sins, she is smart humble and drop dead gorgeous she is an angel, oh did you see her in mr and mrs. smith, oh my, the scene where she snaps dudes neck, she had on the sexiest dominatrixs outfit i ever seen, damn she looks good, yo she can walk thru any hood in any part of this world and have thugs just fightin over who gonna talk to her aint nobody gonna disrespect that beauty every body b fightin to be her savior.

  • franklito

    cmon that paperdoll is totally wrong wheres the :boob: :boob:and why cant you change her bra and :thong:, they need to upgrade that model thats like a doll that brad pit dumped to get with angelina. damn dont discrace her , but its funny, but still damn!

  • MandyLocke

    What grade are you in, Frank? 🙄

  • frisko

    So Angelina makes all the lists.

    huff

  • David A Rost

    34. Mona Lisa wishes she had Angelina’s eyes. 🙄 🙄

  • hellyes

    :wtf:

  • hellyes

    Mona Lisa wises she had Angelina’s eyes.
    🙄

  • starhealer

    i tolk my hubby that is the only woman that i would alow him to sleep with as long as he shares with me 😈

  • hellyes

    Wishes 😛

  • Tara

    I have long maintained that Ms. Jolie is the only woman alive (cause I’m into the dead thing???) that could turn me lesbian.

    I wouldn’t even fight it. AT ALL.

  • Spud

    Lungt, you out did yourself with those comments, bloody hilarious.

  • Dark_n_evil

    as you all keep ranting about being with angolina i figured id let ya know she is my wife to be…..grrrr just waiting for her to call me back. :dead:
    And as far as D&D its everyones opinion….so what im 24 and still playing….lol but at least i still get laid! (sorry daniel) LMAO! 😈

  • Daniel

    As for Angelina, she hot, but a bitch. Not so fair of a trade, if ya ask me. 😈 As for getting laid, Mr. Dark_n_evil, at least I’ve gotten some recently, more than I can say for you. :wtf:

  • Dark_n_evil

    how would you know.. you been watching me?

  • Daniel

    no but ya won’t shut up about your blue balls

  • Dark_n_evil

    only cause you wont stop teasing me!!!

  • Daniel

    simply put FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!’
    sorry to everyone else’s eyes, we’re not trying to go back and forth, but it’s just one of those things.

  • Dark_n_evil

    LMAO!!! sorry everyone were brothers

  • Daniel

    that’s cool, man

  • Davezilla

    Lover’s quarrel?

  • Satine

    Angelina is probably the only woman that I would ever even think about having sex with. She is so HOT! 😛

  • harry faque

    [Comment ID #18814 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Aye, too funny Master Lung! (LMAO)

    I guess aAngelina gave Shake his Speare?

  • Daniel

    I don’t think so Dave, he’s a close friend, who, if he doesn’t stop, might find his way into an ass kicking.

  • Daniel

    and futhermore, Dave, that’s just sick!!!! 🙄

  • Daniel

    35. Angelina is so much a goddess that her home is an ivory tower. :wang:

  • truth teller

    Angelia is a beautiful woman but then again Demi more has her beat.

  • Esther

    I’ve got no problems whatsoever becoming Angelina’s love slave. :kiss:

  • Bobby

    While I agree that Angelina is the goddess of every man’s sweet dreams, and that the whole male world is focused on her…

    meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out how to get back in with Jennifer :wang:

  • Rachel

    I would lick every inch of angelina and never wash my tongue!

  • franklito

    im with rachel, i would too 😛

  • franklito

    who is demi more? 🙄

  • Nasty Boy

    Angelina, yea baby, shes like :boob: :boob:, just the sight of her makes me go from :limp: :wang: :wang: :wang:, I wouldn’t mind gettin in her :thong: hell Yeah 😛 i’d lick her crazy, sex (oral too) here i come

  • DaPopster

    Hey, they even named mountains after her, Grand Tetons ………. Translate THAT one with your Funk And Wagnals……… 😛

  • MandyLocke

    Lung, you are a genius :kiss:

  • angelina lover!!

    I think angelina is the hottest girl alive… i’d do her in a flash.. and im a woman!!

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