A jillion things about me

  1. I do not own a waistcoat
  2. I am not a member of the Illuminatus
  3. I am non-stick and won’t fade in warm water
  4. I have never yelled at a Praying Mantis
  5. I detest gauchos, skorts and ugs
  6. Mice fear me
  7. I hold low opinions of the willfully ignorant
  8. I prefer beer to liquor and soy milk to pistol whippings
  9. I hate when DJs say “Rocktober”
  10. I am petitioning to have caffeine declared a vitamin
  11. If I could sum up my life in one word, it would be antilugibriluositanimous
  12. I eat carbs in the face of Atkins dieters, and wear glasses before anyone with LASIK
  13. I refuse to be associated with seagulls. At least, not anymore
  14. In the kingdom of apathy, I eat the royal nectarines
  15. I broke the heart of an enamoured finch
  16. I have no tar or nicotine
  17. There is no problem so complex, that coffee could not solve
  18. I once bred tetras. On purpose
  19. If women are rain and men are ice, I am a gum wrapper
  20. I had my aura pierced with double aught plugs
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  1. 1. A waistcoat is a terrible thing to mind.
    2. Illuminatus is singular. If you were a member, you’d be the only one.
    3. That makes you Teflaundry.
    4. Does that mean you pray well with others?
    5. Best to stick with jodhpurs, pantaloons and clogs.
    6. It’s the “zilla.”
    7. The willfully ignorant are intentionally unaware of your low opinions.
    8. I prefer pistol whipping cream to soy milk of magnesia
    9. It’s much more fun when they say “Hedgehaugust.”
    10. Would that be the “Declaration of Caffeindependence?”
    11. That’s very hippopotomonstrosequipedalian.
    12. Just as long as you don’t spit in the face of people with cottonmouth.
    13. The seagulls called. They want their CDs back.
    14. In the kingdom of office supplies, are you the ruler?
    15. The finch called. She’s still pissed about the seagulls.
    16. I take it, then, that you don’t need a light.
    17. Don’t look now. Your participle is dangling.
    18. If a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, then I suppose you didn’t take your tetra cycling?
    19. We’ll just call you M.C. Poligrip.
    20. Common mistake. I’m sure must have told them you wanted aural piercings.

  2. er… hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian.

  3. Wendy

    Wow! My brain is too tired to comment! 😮

  4. JFLY

    Just 5 things about me…cuz it’s Dave’s site, after all:

    1. I am a female, in spite of what everyone online assumes (I was told I have a masculine font…lol…and no, I’m not gay).

    2. I am not a Christian…sue me.

    3. I totally agree with Dave on the caffeine thing…and the carbs (I’m a vegetarian who’d rather eat a field of broccoli than a single hunk of rotting animal flesh).

    4. I’ve never harmed a finch, but once I accidentally closed the birdcage door on a sparrow’s head.

    5. My sister thinks I’m evil and is determined to “save my soul” from hell and eternal damnation (must be an effort to save the broccoli).

  5. You forgot one:

    21. You are way nifty.:kiss:

  6. Spud

    I guess that as a waistcoat wearing fully fledged member of the Illuminatus who enjoys gauchos, skorts and ugs, I’d probably not get the welcome wagon at the Royal and Ancient Oak.


  7. Mandy

    You forgot that you make us laugh till we pee our :undies:

  8. I hate when DJs say “Rocktober”

    Last month, the radio station I listen to in the morning was calling it Proctober. The DJs were pushing for men to go see their proctologists.


    I think one of the guys on the morning show had a prostate exam live on the air, too.

  9. Mandy

    Proctober? Catchy. :dead:

  10. Yeah. I thought it was catchy, too.

    Plus they’re celebrating the Year of the Physicist. They’d have physicists call in and tell physics jokes and stuff.

  11. Laura

    What are gauchos? Are they clothes?

  12. Nicholle

    I’m not prepared to share any personal information at this time.:neutral:

  13. simoon

    1. “Jillion” by the length of your list, is far shorter than I’d imagined. Cool! I can count to a jillion!

    2. “.” What happened to them? You used two. Was that on purpose?

  14. Laura: Yes. These atrocities.

    Simoon: One generally does not end list items in periods (excepting for multiple sentences). I admit to being inconsistent on this.

  15. Sorry for stating the obvious but shouldn’t Jesus’ shoe inserts have a small hole in them?

  16. Sorry simoon but you reminded me of one of my favourite jokes:

    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing in the Oval office. He concludes by saying “..and unfortunately Mr President, yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident’

    “3 Brazilian soldiers !!!!!” the President exclaims. “Oh my god!! Thats horrific !!!!”

    His staff sits stunned at this overwhelming display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands trying to grasp the enormity of what he has just been told Finally, the President looks up and asks……….

    ”How many is a Brazilian ??!’

  17. frisko

    My Gauchos had various closures at the knees, including buttons and looked really HOT in 1980 with gold shoes. One should never wear Ugs and gauchos at the same time.

  18. frisko

    Yes, I openly admitted that I wore gauchos in the past, and I am sure that ya’ll are gonna rag me for it.

  19. Marcus

    Ugh.. sounds like something I say after too much Jack D. As far as the list goes, you are normal just like me. I live in a non-english speaking country (Thailand). Jesus insouls would be popular just because they have the english language on them. 😀

    1. My favorite pet is a tarantula

    2. Caffine is already proven to be beneficial to your health.

    3. I like babies because they don’t talk back

    4 I enjoy watering (with a hose) cats.

    5. It well known that I wear only underwear at home, I drink from bottles, eat over the sink, and only watch DVDs. My friends know not to drop by

    6. I hate stupid question (unless funny). If I am wet, don’t ask if it is raining outside.

    7. Work is a really big four-letter word with double quotation marks, five exclamation points, italicized, and bold face

    8. Just for fun, every other sentence has “.”s.:razz:

  20. mikey

    don’t girl scouts sell gauchos, oh yea there latinos on horse-back, pants ?? what the hell been watching too much tyra

  21. steve

    You’re a complicated man, Davezilla.

    As for the Jesus footwear, I’m fine without them. About 20 years ago there was a shoe store in town that was holding a Going Out of Business Sale. I bought quite a few packages of insoles at ridiculously low prices and I’m holding on to a few of them in case I ever need them.

    That’s right. I’m savin’ my soles!

  22. mitch smith

    :wtf:Wow…what can I say, except that you really need to delve deep within your soul and pull the plug on that sucker. Just put us all out of your misery. :dead:

  23. Since when is 20 a jillion?

    Waistcoats are so 20th century anyway.

  24. You vegetarians are murders! Mer-der-ers!

    What did that carrot ever do to you? Must you snap the greenbeans umbilical cord? Ughh. Honestly, I do not know how you sleep at night.


    (Cool vomit icon! Can’t wait to use it.)

  25. Honestly, I do not know how you sleep at night.
    On a bed.

  26. misskitty

    :roll:Wow you all just blow me away-I have no:idea: what any of this means. So I have no Pithy comment on this one!!

  27. Cbatdux

    milk of magnesia gushing from my nostrils after reading Kenn’s comments. Now my gauchos are stained. Feeding tetras to my pet Seagull.

  28. Davezilla… thanks for clearing that up for me. It all makes sense.

    As a veggie-tarian, are you opposed to feather filled pillows?

  29. Laura

    Oww…you know, I’m from Argentina, and the gauchos are our cowboys. Somehow, those clothes are not too hideous on them, but on a pregnant woman… :hurl:

Comments are closed