IKEA has interesting manuals

Please do not have the unprotected sex with our mattresses. Use a condom!

Poking mattresses attracts giant figs. Do not poke mattresses.

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  1. Mandy

    Can giant figs be used as condoms? Flotation devices? :kiss:

  2. If the condom goes on the mattress, that must mean he’s planning to insert that mattress somewhere. :wtf:

  3. Darrell

    You know, I raise giant figs for fun and profit and…..well this TOTALLY explains why I have all this IKEA furniture hanging around.

  4. If death occurs from over-vigorous shaking, place dead cushion in the sack and zip closed.

    Do check cushion for life by poking. Do not check cushion for life by poking inside its innards.

  5. Anna

    Those Ikeans are kinky …. alot of you guys are descendants (that’s all I gotta say :grin:)

  6. You’re closer to being one than I am, Anna.
    Davezilla ←Irish

  7. tander

    Are those mattresses or giant shortbread cookies? Perhaps the figs just like a good shortbread?

  8. julie

    I second the shortbread idea. The figs just want to be a topping on the shortbread cookies. :thong:

  9. Amanda B.

    Only one thing to say…:wtf:

  10. julie

    Also, that link is priceless! Clown sex in the morning is always funny :wang:

  11. naughty secretary

    your site is really funny, dave! ok back to lurking :kiss:

  12. Anna

    Don’t get me started on the Irish.

    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to
    come to Mass, what made you come?”
    Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
    The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?” Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”
    The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?”
    Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

  13. Da Popster

    Somebody somewhere shoudda used a condom.:-?

  14. It looks to me like a Taliban instruction manual for single men entitled:

    (Davezilla, Irish?!?! Oh God. There goes the neighborhood.)

  15. In a report published last Thursday, IKEA officials announced their plan to educate the public on the proper use of mattresses sold at their superstores.

    One item in particular was a sore point among consumers. Because of the soft and pliant nature of IKEA mattresses, many men, especially those who are young and single, are using these mattresses as a substitute sex partner.

    Studies have shown that this behaviour leads to mild abrasions on the penis, and a propensity to sigh when looking at duvet.

    IKEA competitor IDOMO announced on a similar note, their intention to introduce BONDAGE BEDDING. Gerrit de Boer affirmed their position will always be far more aggressive vis-a-vis IKEA, although they have always come from behind.

    IKEA management maintains their superior position, economically. IDOMO chief de Boer said, “It’s nice of them to throw the public a bone now and again. As for me, I prefer it doggy style.”

  16. Christall

    Hey, Dave is it ok to remove the tag on the cushion before the condom is put on and before figs are made in it. Because really i’d probaly put a fig in it just trying to get the tag off….Oh What the Hell.. it all sounds like a fun game…oh la la

  17. Christall

    By the way did anyone notice that the cushion in illustration #1 look like a set of eyes?? huummmmmmmmmm!

    Staring at the fig makers….

  18. Yeah, now that you mention it Christall, it does have something of the Cthulhu about it. Maybe IKEA is trying to teach us how to catch and restrain lesser demons.

  19. cody

    if you poke a fig with a mattress, does that attract condoms or more figs? i want to say that it increases the chances of meeting a marmot or perhaps a unicorn of infasible material. please help.

  20. IKEA is obviously concerned that there could be a lot of little baby mattresses born out of wedlock.

    Who would take care of them? Who would adopt them?

  21. The ancient Ikeans Norse were all over Ireland, so there’s likely a little IKEA in you too, Dave.

    I like to think there’s a little IKEA in every one of us. Or a little of us in every IKEA. Or a giant fig in every IKEA. Or something like that.

  22. Natalie, if there is a giant fig-eating attempt, please be sure to take pictures. 😎

  23. mitch smith

    :geek::idea::wang:The IKEA freaks are at it again. Filling the minds of our youth with such depraved and sick images. That’s why we Christians shop Wal-Mart. No sick images, just jolly fat people with most of their teeth. When Jesus comes back he will shop at Wal-Mart and he will condemn IKEA to Hell.

  24. mikey

    :wang: yep im with esther:lol: flicker ,,,

  25. mikey

    a woman put an add in the paper, wanted a man who wouldnt beat her, wouldnt run away and was an exceptional lover ? a few days went by and the door bell rings,, she answers to see a quadraplegic on the mat.. may i help you she asks.. he replies im here to answer the ad. How do you think you quailify she asks. I have no arms and can’t beat you.. I have no legs and can’t run away. But what about the exceptional lover she asks.. And he says How do you think I rang the door bell…

  26. misskitty

    I completly lost my comment after the doggy style remark from rust!Arf, Arf also my favorite position!

  27. Your blog is hysterical. One of my husband’s friends has a site called http://www.turdwords.com/, and not only do I think you’ll love it, I think you’d find a lot of material for your posts.


  28. Marcus

    Okay, my matress already has a condom on it. Also, clowns are Loki in disguse. My father’s side of my family invaded Scotland. Of course, they found nothing better than to settle down and marry a few of the locals.

    Here are some instructions for an Okidata Printer, Made in Japan

    Double paper tray eject eject

    Attach power cord to printers innards:hurl:

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