Who needs zoos when you live in one?

Remains of the were-ferretsIt’s true. I may be the last human left in my building. I’m in the center apartment, upstairs. To my left are chimpanzees, that screech and whoop during ESPN Sports Center and The Man Show. To my right, the party animals. A young couple of indeterminate species that enjoy drinking until they vomit over their balcony, or playing a quiet game of “throw empties at the raccoons”. Below my are the Albanian hyenas which I have written extensively on. On the lower right, a flock of flamingos that enjoy preening their scaly legs on the balcony and flashing their boobies to passing vehicles.

These all pale in comparison to the family of were-ferrets to my lower left. Yes, were-ferrets.

Mustelithropes that assume the shape of manic ferrets every time NASCAR is on. An episode of NASCAR is like crack to them. It sends them into a feeding frenzy of chips, hot dogs, no-brand beer and furniture. Last night must have been a Dale Earnhardt Tribute. Not only did the noise resemble the “fun house” at Abu Ghraib, but this morning their porch was strewn with the chewed up remains of their sofa, box spring and clothing.


  1. First off, I think we need photos of the flamingos for further research.

    Second, if I had read this in the morning you’d be owing me one monitor and keyboard for the were-ferrets comment.

  2. frisko

    Stand up for your rights as the alpha resident. Perhaps it is your turn to thost a gathering, and make them go away (in a perfect world), or at the very least, reform their wicked ways.. Do they steal your parking place as well? Would they be equally as creepy if they were cool enough to at invite you to their follies?


  3. Esther

    I sure wouldn’t want any of those mutants in my place, that’s for sure, CH.

    Dave, I think it’s time to unleash the fury of the Mutant Ninja Hamsters on your so-called “neighbors”.

    Either that, or try your darnedest to move out, asap.

  4. Spud

    The time has come the Walrus said
    To speak of other things
    Of packing cases and moving vans

    To go go boldly forth and conquer
    Third star to the left and on till morning

  5. Anna

    Well, at least we NOW know how you got your place decorated.(Scavengerhunt after every NASCAR race).

  6. ReV.JeLLyBaBY


    How do you know it’s not a shrine they have built in your honour?


  7. Actually, I think that they ran out of space for the capybaras at the Detroit zoo. It’s nice to know they’ve found a home in a nice neighbourhood.

  8. I have the freakiest neighbor currently…well, not as freaky as your collection, but freaky still.

    He actually STROLLS in his front yard playing his guitar and singing. I think he thinks I enjoy this. I do not. At all.

    The other night at 10:30pm he was blaring this horrid new age flute music (maybe this jack ass?) and when I went over to ask him to turn it down he actually said, out loud:

    “I’m just surprised you find this offensive! It’s flute music…it’s so soothing.”

    I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

    (another neighbor plays the clarinet and I’m really just so tired of being serenaded with all these soothing sounds.)

  9. ReV.JeLLyBaBY


    Ever thought about moving to Toronto?


  10. What’s wrong with Toronto? Are weirdos taste great PLUS they’re less filling!

  11. slick

    dear dave-
    i still hate your new layout.
    change it back, or else!

  12. Beth

    Dave, just the heck is a “Mustelithrope”?

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