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- Why coffee isn’t an essential food group.
- Why all sitcom fathers are bumbling idiots.
- Why on commercials, when a family sits down for dinner, everyone nods in unison.
- Why talentless mouthbreathers like Paulie Shore, Carrot Top, Jessica Simpson and Starr Jones continue to get contracts to be in front of a camera.
- Why most of the Midwest still dresses like it’s 1987.
- Why none of Donald Trump’s assistants have the balls to tell him how bad his toupÃ©e looks.
- Why most women begin collecting Hummel figurines as soon as they turn 50.
- Why I am still getting three copies of GQ and Maxim every month.
- Why the most irritating commercials often air twice in a row.
- Why Tony Danza still has a show.