The Size of You’re Entire Body

I just received a spam entitled, “Make You’re Penis the Size of You’re Entire Body!!!!!” Ignoring the atrocious punctuation errors, this message is troubling on several levels. First off, I’m six-foot three. Having a penis of equal length could pose some serious tactical issues.
garden hose roller

  1. How would I store it when not in use? I could use one of those garden hose rollers, but that might be impractical at work (or swimming)
  2. Where would it go when wearing normal clothes? Dragging it behind me on the street is out, as is throwing it ’round my neck as a scarf. If my belt loops had enough diameter, it could be quite a conversation starter as a belt
  3. It might be mistaken for an escaped zoo python and attacked by frightened villagers
  4. Natalie is only five foot two. Well, let’s not go there
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Show 26 Comments


  1. AnnieB

    What a great visual! I’ll try to think of something to say as soon as I can stop laughing.

    This is why we love you! :wang:

  2. chainstay

    is that erect or flaccid?

  3. Spud

    Were there any ‘Testemonials’ to the power of ther’ye clams?

  4. patrick

    You’re missing the whole point. I’m only 5′ 9″ and if I had a dick that big, I would NEVER store it nor would I EVER wear normal clothes. I would throw it over my shoulder and go wherever the fuck I wanted. Women gonna wanna buy me drinks, meals, clothes, jewelry, cars, whatever.

  5. Michele

    1. This would make traveling by plane a bit expensive, as I would assume you would have to buy 2 seats to accomodate it..I suppose you could run it under the seats in front of you, ala “Snakes on a Plane”
    2. Would make bicycle riding nearly impossible- one rogue pothole may cause your “scarf” to fall from your shoulders resulting in a possible head wound and jaws of life to remove it from your tire spokes after you regained consciousness
    Possible benefits:
    1. May be helpful as a floatation device.
    2. Propping it up in the passenger seat and placing a hat on the head, would mean you could always use the carpool lane.

  6. Brooklyn R.

    It would be pretty handy if you lose the t.v. remote!

  7. Ferd Brfl and Ginny were aghast. The message said, ‘penis the size of whole body!’ or something. Well, the pills arrived, and Ferd was nauseated shortly after taking the recommended 4 capsules at 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 32 minutes, and 98 minutes after beginning a head stand. The recommended head stand was to complete at 120 minutes, give or take about 1 minute and 12 seconds, no more, no less. And no bubble bath for the strained arm and back muscles, either .. Even Ginny was stressing by the end of the ‘uptake’ phase. Although Ferd wondered why Ginny doing a head stand had anything to do with him taking pills. Although, if she were to try again without clothes .. No, the instructions were clear, that the head stand had to last two hours, and be ‘unsupported’. Ferd couldn’t imagine trying to do a headstand himself, while taking those pills on schedule. Besides. Everyone knows that drinking water upside down stops hiccoughs, not arouse a massive boner, no matter what pills you take.

    And the damn pills taste like rat turns must taste like. Looked like them, too. Eww.

  8. The army might try to enlist you.

    Long-distance squirt gun ftmfw!

  9. sledge

    wrapped around your neck or waist? What happens when you get an erection do you strangle yourself?

  10. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!
    My plan for world domination is going well. These stupid men do not realize that I have only promised to make their penis the size of their body. With my mighty shrink ray I will be King! With all of the men averaging only 7 inches in height there is nothing they can do to stop me!
    Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!

  11. Guy

    If you did have a crank the size of your body, you may not get laid as much, but you could for halloween, throw it over your shoulder and go as a Gas Pump!!!! 😳

  12. AnnieB

    I guess you would be fucking and getting a blow job at the same time??? That would be a good thing. 😛

  13. [Comment ID #197875 will be quoted here]

    Yeah does it have an anaconda/constrictor effect? :wtf:
    Doesn’t it hurt you guys for it to be bent in awkward angles when erect?
    …I just had a visual of what would happen as someone got aroused…you can see it moving slightly at first, somewhat thickening and hardening and hardening as one may say, like when your air up a crumpled up bycicle tire tube or swimming pool floatie thingie. Then all of a sudden *swack* full on erection six feet three inches of stiff schlong inevitably knocking unconscious anyone that may have been in its path. :wtf:

  14. Lake Effect

    I dont’know if I’m ready to give that company my Visa number just yet…Back in ,,The Big One,, ,I was station’ed at Fort Dickensider on Euren Island in the Pacific. At night we’were kept awake all night by the most gawdawful scream’ing from the rocky beach a’bout 5’ive hundred feet away (it was right by the ocean, as I re’call.) It sound’ed like demons screaming OOOOWWWWWW – OOOOOOWWWWWWW threw’out the night!!!!! I soon learn’ed from my command’ing officer, Cap’t Lew Tennant, that the sound was made by the Southern Red-Tipp’ed OwwOww Bird. It was a’bout the size of a normal sea’gull, but had a ,,personal male member,, that was over 20 inch’s long, and when’ever it came in for a land’ing on that stoney, rocky beach, it would screach tat cry…OOOOWWWWWW – OOOOOOWWWWWWW.

    Its now ex’stinked.
    [Re’production was an issue]

  15. Y’know, the first thing I thought of was “size of” not just “length of”. Who among us, in our advancing years, would be able to heft our own weight?

    Nope, it’d be like dragging a conjoined twin around all day. Just the carpet burn from dragging it through the house would be enough to put you off.

  16. I see 13 said it first but maybe 13 doesn’t know (?) that there is a famous joke about a guy who complains about his enormous penis and the punch line is “Wait for Halloween. You can throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump.”

    (I’m a stand-up comic so I always love it when people use punchlines as if it’s their own invention!)

  17. Can they do anything for the width too or is it just length? :wtf:

  18. Would there be an issue with your personal size and the size of your :wang: and growth ratio. :wtf:
    If you have an itty bitty winky and you’re 6 foot tall and if you’re 5 foot 3 and you already have a 5 in’er, growth ratio is very different, is “size of YOUR entire body” guaranteed or are they using a default body ❓ ? (5in, the average? 🙄 yeah right!)

  19. Kkkkathryn

    yippy-i-o-ki- eh?

  20. Kkkkathryn

    it could make long distance aiming at the urinal interesting…

  21. sweet t

    I have to say :wtf: :lol:. ok That was 2 things to say.

  22. [Comment ID #197882 will be quoted here]

    That just gave me the vision of watching one of those life rafts inflating from the size of a book to the size of a bookcase. I’m impressed, yet also afraid. :wtf:

  23. Lake Effect

    I used to wet the bed when I was younger.

    -from the hallway.

  24. Kkkkathryn

    from TastyT:
    I have to say . ok That was 2 things to say.
    :wtf: 😆
    …so I see both heads, but where’re the balls?

Comments are closed