Lizz and I had sushi at a swanky jazz club last night. Seated near Lizz was a rather large and beastly woman. Midway through her meal, the woman sneezed. And what a sneeze! She attempted to cover her mouth, but this only succeeded in deflecting the spray that was to come into cone-like soak zone, similar to those one encounters at zoological parks.

One second after the sound of the sneeze, a literal rain of sushi rice flew over our heads, one large glob slapping me in the cheek. It was one of the singularly most disgusting experiences of my life. Instantly I thought of Monty Python’s Meaning of Life. You know the scene. “It’s only wafer thin.” Well, that.

soak zone

But wait, there’s more! Behind me, was a round table with several senior citizens in bibs attempting to crack open crabs. The oldest one, who faced Lizz, tried desperately to crack open a large leg, only to have it spring forth from the cracker, bounce off the belly of his friend and land on the floor. I saw none of this; Lizz filled me in. Just when I thought the weirdest was over, Lizz’ face froze and her eyes widened.
Me: “What?!?”
Lizz: “That guy. Crab leg guy. He just picked the leg up off the floor and ate it.”
Me: “Ten minute rule.”

41 thoughts on “Soak Zone

  1. Dude, if I saw that ass pointed at me I think a little stray food wouldn’t be all that bad. Did she at least say excuse me while chewing on the next cud?

    Crableg guy I get. The food is on the inside, so as long as there isn’t carpet fur on it, 10 second rule.

  2. Whoah! You don’t get many Mr. Creosote references these days! Loved the visual of the spray radius/cone.

    Better what?
    Better get a bucket!

  3. [Comment ID #347167 will appear here]

    Illigimati non carborundum.

    Dave, have you tried Rastafarianism? Get AnnieB to tell you about it. :thong: :wang: :boobs:

  4. [Comment ID #347167 will appear here]

    Domo arigato AnnieB. Mata ah-oo hima de himitsu wo shiri tai.

    [Comment ID #347077 will appear here]

    I love his music too. For some odd reason, the song “Black Magic Woman” kind of fits. Oh wait, you said Santero not Santana. My mistake.

  5. Dave, your story leaves me with one question. After she sneezed and food flew all over you and (presumably) your food, how could you tell the difference between the fresh sushi and the ‘not so fresh’ sushi? 😈

  6. [Comment ID #347284 will appear here]

    Only hit me in the cheek, and thankfully, we hadn’t been served yet, so we were only checking our beer at that point. Had it hit the food, I would have :puke:

  7. Dude you gotta go to Nawleans and get you a mojo or a monkey’s paw or sumpin. Your karma needs a major tuneup.

  8. Dang, I misspelled “illegitimati”. I should have just written “bastards.”[Comment ID #347359 will appear here]

    Bless yo’ heart, girl! :java: :kiss: ❗ ❗

  9. [Comment ID #347373 will appear here]

    Yes, you should have just written bastards.

    I’m happy to see that at least subtlety is not lost on you Flash. 😛

  10. I think it was a hilarious story, like a lot of these comments as well, although I may have been tempted to yell “FOOD FIGHT” and toss condiments back at her, rather than just go ewwww thanks!

  11. hey dave…perhaps mrs. creosote thought you were part of the cleaning staff? any warm jets to the back? :puke:

  12. [Comment ID #347359 will appear here]

    You only said that because he revealed his new avatar!

  13. [Comment ID #348205 will appear here]

    My original drift was that lazy and adorable were interchangeable in this particular comment to Flash and I suspect his comely avatar distracted me from properly communicating that nuance so that it was apparent to all what my point was.

    And if that’s not perfectly clear, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…

    😛 :wang: :wtf:

  14. [Comment ID #348463 will appear here]

    That’s a tall Order, are you sure you’re up to the task for the Ages? 😛

  15. [Comment ID #348540 will appear here]

    Annie B…It’s your world…I’m just trying to keep my little corner tidy.

    Oh, and yes…I’ve got your tall order right here :wang: !

  16. [Comment ID #348887 will appear here]

    Oh, I bet it’s not any taller than mine. Got a yardstick? :wang: :wtf: 🙄 😛

  17. [Comment ID #348887 will appear here]

    [Comment ID #348996 will appear here]

    This reminds me of a joke. Three guys wanted to prove who was biggest. So they all stood on the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge to whip them out and show ’em. They unzip and let ’em hang. The first guy says “Boy, that water’s cold!”. The second says “Yeah, and it’s deep too!”. They look over at the third guy who’s busy jumping all around. They ask him what’s wrong. He answers “There’s a submarine down there and I’m trying to keep it out of the Propeller!”

    BTW. I DID manage to avoid the propeller… :wang: 😈 🙄

  18. [Comment ID #349053 will appear here]

    And these comments remind me of something as well.

    “Give the guy an inch and he thinks he’s a ruler.”

    But in Flash’s case he thinks he’s a yardstick… 😛

    @ Bigwavdave – So when you asked me if I wanted to ride the “big one” you weren’t talking about going surfing together? :kiss: 😆

  19. [Comment ID #349113 will appear here]

    Hop on, hang on, and enjoy the ride…. 😀

  20. [Comment ID #349491 will appear here]

    Will she need airbags or will her real ones do? :boobs: :boobs: 😛

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