An Open Letter to All Friend Requests on Facebook

Thank you for trying to add me as a friend because you:

  • read my blog
  • saw me speak at your conference
  • want me to fix your computer
  • want me to link to your blog so you’ll be “popular, real fast”
  • are stalking my girlfriend

I’d love to reciprocate, however I have a few prerequisites, so bear with me.Yeti
I will probably NOT add you if…

  • …your profile photo is a shitty pencil drawing of yourself that you did one weekend on the beach when you were drunk and “artistically inspired” but actually looks like you are an epileptic Yeti with no feet
  • …you only have one friend and it’s Ann Coulter
  • …you’ve slept with Ann Coulter
  • …you’ve sold your soul to Ann Coulter
  • …you are Ann Coulter
  • …I see an ad for you, saying you are a fan of yourself
  • …you are a 93rd Level Cleric-Elf-Mage
  • …you are a thinly-disguised product pretending to be a hot, college girl
  • …your GPA has the same score as your blood-alcohol level: 1.9
  • …you list monster truck pulls and hog-calling as interests
  • …you’re my evil twin
  • …this is your dog’s Facebook page. Srsly?
  • …you’re being ironic by having a Facebook profile. Well aren’t you fucking clever?
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comment 13 comments
  • StevieC

    But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

    THEY DIDN’T LIKE ME! THEY NEVER LIKED ME!

  • Meagan

    I may not be your evil twin, but I am the evil voice inside your head. 😈

  • Patrick

    How about if I used to drill Ann Coulter like the California coast and then turned her out as a dirty whore, and that’s why she’s as spiteful, mean and evil as she is now? No, well okay let’s say I didn’t really do that. But you have to admit, if she never uttered a word she’d be kinda hot. I was going to say “if she never opened her mouth” but then I wouldn’t have had any use for her would I?

  • Bec

    Too funny… 😀 you are so right
    What about the person who picked on you in high school and now you are the “pretty, hot one” so they need you to be “real popular, real fast”
    Loser… :puke: 👿 😯

  • Da Popster

    [quote comment=”573245″]I may not be your evil twin, but I am the evil voice inside your head. :twisted:[/quote]
    Please don’t be resentful/jealous because the voices only talk to me ………….. 😛

  • Spud

    So…. what are you trying to say Dave…. me and my very close 1,483 personal friends shouldn’t write to you anymore? ….. say it ain’t so Dave, hell, I might even keep the requests down to a more manageable 800 per day huh, whadda ya say?

  • Grim

    [quote comment=”573319″]How about if I used to drill Ann Coulter like the California coast and then turned her out as a dirty whore, and that’s why she’s as spiteful, mean and evil as she is now?[/quote]
    :wtf: so that’s why she looks so familiar :puke:

  • Zilla the Younger

    What about 12th Level Dwarven Fighters that wields a Hammer of Thunder-Cats, er Thunder-Bolts? We can be FB friends, right?

  • Maven

    I’m sensing a theme…

  • Bigwavdave

    So, after cruising through 25 or 30 UGLY Holiday (we can’t say Christmas?) sweaters, I’m beginning to think it’s a “gay” thing…You know, “Now we don our gay apparel…” :wtf:

  • Lung the Younger

    Oh my God Dave. Those friend requests are being made from INSIDE the house!
    Have you checked the children, lately?

  • rust

    It’s those Metropolis and Zoobuilder apps — sorry, Dave. I’ll soon be able to buy the Golden Gate Bridge.

    😳

    geez, I hope you don’t delete our “friendship” …

  • Timm

    Years ago, my mother bought a kit to knit a christmas sweater. An outdoor scene with snow on the ground and a starry sky. The stars were blinking LED lights that ran on a little battery pack sewn inside the sweater. Too bad she never made it and the batteries went dead.

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