My technique is sillier than yours

We all know someone at work who brags about taking martial arts. It’s often the guy in the mailroom with the mullet and the NO FAT CHICKS bumper sticker on his rusty Ford Bronco.

In between bragging about which bars he was recently banned from, he relates his latest harrowing exploit as a martial arts master, who had his hands registered with the FBI. You yawn and feign interest until you can make your escape.

Since all of his stories are B.S., why not have some fun with him and encourage his fantasy? Make up your own fighting techniques and swap war stories. Here are some nonexistent martial arts styles to bring up with a straight face.

  1. Fainting Goat Style Kung Fu
  2. Drunken Neighbor Style
  3. Golden Manatee Death Roll
  4. Red Gecko “Sticky Hands” Maneuver
  5. Tunneling Gerbil Grip
  6. Okinawan Titty Twister
  7. Broken Sprinkler
  8. Frisky Barmaid Death Pinch
  9. Celestial Goldfish Eye Roll
  10. Co-Dependent Wife Hold
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Show 27 Comments


  1. Oh wow … you know, I’d love to come up with something clever and snarky for the first comment here, but I am now completely enamoured with Fainting Goats.

    I had no idea such goats existed, and now I’m fascinated. Here’s a question: I’m a Capricorn. If I pass out, does that make me a “fainting goat”?

    Either way, this is what I found in the “Code of Ethics” on the site:

    Anyone found guilty of deliberately falsifying a goats record and/or altering the appearance to make it qualify for certification and/or registration may have their membership canceled.

    Anyone found guilty of animal cruelty, abuse or neglect may have their membership canceled.

    😎 Hey buddy, what are you in for?
    👿 Falsifying a goat. :wang:

    I say we should take a road trip and go to the Goats, Music, and More Festival, everybody!


  2. For some reason Seann William Scott in The Rundown popped in my head.

    “You want some thunder? Huh? How about a little lightning?”

  3. Margaret

    Is it ironic that the Fainting Goat Association is based in Iowa, which is the acromyn for Idiots Out Wandering Around??
    I lived there for a while, and this is true for the most part.

  4. Spud

    The Fickle Finger of Fate

    one flick to the dick :limp:


  5. ReV.JeLLyBaBY

    I myself have a black belt in the ancient and mystic art of origami!

    Stand back or I’ll turn you into a paper swan!


  6. But Rev, I’m very proficient in The Way of the Scissor.

  7. ReV.JeLLyBaBY

    Then feel my fists of Rolling Stone Kismet!

    You have offended me, my temple and my family!

    Now you must pay!


  8. ReV.JeLLyBaBY

    I remember the day the late great Bruce Li said to me “ReV me old mate, It is like a finger pointing away to the moon. If you look at the will miss all that heavenly glory.”

    So I gave him a one inch punch for giving it some, which caused him to die many years later in a hotel room with an actress that wasn’t his wife, after feeling unwell.

    Or did I?

    Only Brandon Lee knows for sure…..and he’s dead too (ahem)

    I must go now and fade into the shadows like a ninja or something. But before I do so I will leave you with the wise words of Sensei Fling Long Chop (he’s dead now):

    If a man can’t see,
    He cannot fight.
    If a man can’t walk,
    He cannot fight.
    So why you come for lessons?
    You got craps in your ears!
    Go home.


  9. ReV.JeLLyBaBY


    I was once the victim of a dyslexic ninja who used the mighty “Touch of deaf” on me.

    I couldn’t hear for at least a week.

    I did however retalliate with the “Mullet of Flaming Justice” which launched the then unknown ninja to stardom, in the form of Chuck Norris.


  10. “Is it ironic that the Fainting Goat Association is based in Iowa, which is the acromyn for Idiots Out Wandering Around??”

    I’ve heard truckers suggest that the state motto for Iowa should be “Gateway to Nebraska.”

  11. Frisko

    Martial arts films and folk creep me out. I am glad we have Commando Stacy to defend us.
    However, I did score moderatly well on all of the quizs offered in the link. That factoid doesn’t worry me.:wtf: Thanks April!
    Wishing I was still asleep

  12. Frisko

    If one wanted to get even with creepy neighbors here is a quote from the fainting goat link that gave me an idea.

    “Fainting goats are easy to raise, easy to contain, can be a great meat animal, and are safe for children and neighbors.”

    skip the meat part, and introduce the new pet as Fido.

    still wishing I was sleeping


  13. ReV.JeLLyBaBY

    It’s when your dog gets confused Frisko.

    Imagine trying to explain to the neighbours why there’s a 12″ inch dildo half buried in their lawn.

    Blame it on the dog?

    I don’t think so.


  14. ReV.JeLLyBaBY

    Or why their Granny has taken up sunbathing on the lawn, despite it being the middle of winter.


  15. Esther

    Just got up, and nothing witty to add.:java:

    Like Frisko, I, too, wish I were still asleep.

  16. Hm … seeing as how my hometown is Flint, Michigan, maybe I should raise and sell Fainting Goats “as pets or meat” for some extra cash. :wtf:

    In other news, I thought I should warn y’all that Commando Stacy does actually have two black belts: one in judo and the other in karaoke. :kiss:

  17. Esther

    Damn, Stacy, that rocks! 😎

    I wonder if there are such a thing as fainting alpacas?

  18. Margaret

    My ex-boyfriend that had a fainting :wang:, when it was time for action, it would :limp:~~maybe he was part goat!!

  19. That’s nothing, once, I was walking out to my car after work, and a whole gang approached me, they were asking if I had some spare change for their bus ride, but I knew better. They were up to no good, no good at all, and they all smelled like Colt 45.

    Sensing the impending danger I panned back and rushed forward in a cinematicly precise defensive posture I learned at the Dojo… the Kneeling Giraffe.

    Well, pretty much at this point half of the gang started running, they knew I meant business and they weren’t buying, but in a gust of wind a few were remained interested for an impulse buy.

    So there we were, under a lampost… it was silent except for the grind of our soles on the wet pavement. I bowed, extended my right arm, turned up my hand and flicked my fingers at them just begging for them to bring it on.

    Well they did, but they were no match for me…

    With a few swift extended hand punches to the trachea I took out a couple of his goons. I guess they thought they could flank and subdue me for their master, but, they thought wrong. I laid them on the ground without ever looking at them for my eyes were gazing on the boss.

    The boss looked surprised, and impressed that I was able to defeat his bards so easily, but I know he was just testing me. I could tell, he was evaluating my strength. And then it happened. I recognized it, I totally saw it coming down main street. He stretched his arms out and clasped his hands as he lowered his stance. Then, he locked his position in the Offensive Puking Deer.

    Quickly, I knew my Kneeling Giraffe was no match for his Puking Deer, but I didn’t let on that I knew that, Instead I let him advance on me and begin his attack. And then I totally turned the table on him, and pulled out my undefeated style which I developed some years after I ascended my Dojo Master…

    That’s right, I had a trump card. I call it the Humping Baluga.

    Well, he’d never seen anything like it, and wisely decided he wanted nothing to do with it on that night, retreating into the corridor without exact change I let him flee.

    To this day, I have not been approached by any vagrants or freeloaders. I guess the word got out.

  20. Margaret

    Cherish (itching rhino scratching sea monkey)~~
    Maybe everyone has figured out that there is no such thing as spare change, so why bother!

  21. What about the Drunken Elbow? Or Lazy-Eye Style?

  22. malcolm

    “Golden Manatee Death Roll” belongs in natalie’s sushi post from way back when…

  23. Me an’ my buddies went into this bar over on the baaad side of town, you know, we were knockin’ back brewskies when this zipper head comes in and yells at the top of his lungs “WHO’S THE FAGGOT WITH THE RUSTY BRONCO!?”

    Well, f*ck, we just looked at each other and Billy says, “this guy is TOAST” so I stand up and close my left eye and sez, “that would be me, ZIPPER HEAD!”

    Gino knocks back a brew in the time it takes the zipper head to react. I knew right then and there we were gointa draw first blood.

    So’s I looks past him over his shoulder and says, “Hey, IT’S GOVERNOR VENTURA from the Great State of Minny Soata!” He falls for it like a fish out of water, so I sucker punch him in his left ear. HE GOES DOWN, MAN. RIGHT DOWN!

    Gino just looks at me, I says, “Hey Man, that’s my Jesse Hooze Goin’ DOWN! move…”

    They kicked us out and called the cops. But, man, the bronco-mobile just rolled right past ’em smooth as OJ Simpson.

  24. ReV.JeLLyBaBY

    I remember standing in a really rough bar one night in the wrong part of town when all of a sudden, this guy comes up to me and says “Hey man, You got shit on your shoes and I’m the shoeshine boy.”

    Suddenly he leaped into action and with a speed I have never witnessed in my lifetime….cleaned my shoes really, really well.

    Which was nice.


  25. LOL!!!!!!



    One of the staff here will be sure to start visiting here more regularily mate!

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