Let the punishment fit the crime

Carrot Top
Carrot Top must be punished for being the least amusing comedian since Sheckie Green. His punishment will be to be buried alive with only his hair showing.

Michael Jackson
For years of being a spoiled, freakish, child-poking medical oddity, he must be surgically dismantled and melted down into candle wax. The candles will be sold to the Church of Satan.

Cathy Guisewite
For producing the worst comic about failed relationships in the history of newspapers, the Cathy creator will be forced to be a marriage counselor in the Darfur region of the Sudan.

Mel Gibson
As Mel feels the need to be publicly martyred in every movie, his punishment is to die of natural causes, out of the spotlight. The media will quietly ignore his passing just in case his ghost is watching.

Ryan Seacrest
Seacrest must be punished not only for having a completely undeserved celebrity status, but for actually believing his signature, “Seacrest รขโ‚ฌโ€ out!” is cool, Ryan will be turned into a doormat for Kato Kaelin.

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  1. Lace Valentine

    Wil Wheaton — Hired on as a cute baby face with a Californian, surfer air only to draw girls that wouldn’t normally watch Star Trek, Wil Wheaton deserves to be punished by playing the part of Hamlet for the remainder of his life, a Shakespearean role no one could ever suspend enough disbelief to enjoy his cheeky, “Aw shucks,” school-boy performances as he contemplates suicide or to avenge his father. “To be, dude, or like not to be? That’s the prob.” In later years he will be known more for his blog than for his acting ability, and I say “Amen brother” to that.

  2. Martha Stewart- domestic doyenne and uber home product pusher, for insider trading information and being a perfectionist should go to a country prison for a few short months…

    Oh wait a minute! This really happened.

    Nevermind. ๐Ÿ™„

  3. Esther

    Damn, that is high-larious! Good stuff, Dave.:smile:

    Oh, and that link? Oh. My. God.:wtf:

  4. Spud

    George Bush Jrfor bullshit in general.

    To live with an Iraqi family for 12 months.
    a. No money of any kind
    b. No credit cards of any kind
    c. No contact with the outside world

    He cannot be killed but must be kept active to enjoy the families generosity to the fullest

    They would film it, sort of like when Paris & Nicki went down on the farm.

    LAuGh a minute!


  5. Tom

    lol, the Michael Jackson one is good considering it’s the time of his trial. You should make some money from things like this ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Kirk

    Good work Dave & Nikki! The only concern I have regards your link…they have a return shipping policy….ewwww!

  7. TinaMarie

    Spud, when you said that Paris and Nicki WENT DOWN on the farm, did you mean :wang: ๐Ÿ˜Ž or did you mean “went down” as in flames?

    Sorry, but my dirty mind just couldn’t let that one pass. ๐Ÿ˜€

  8. TinaMarie

    Oh yeah, and whoever is making all these shitty reality shows should be sentenced to existance in obscurity in some snobby ass retirement community where watching “trash TV” is admitting to watching Law & Order instead of whatever is on PBS, the History Channel, or Discovery.

  9. clackagonia

    these comments,theres a trend of writing ones own comments,its a stage bloggers go through,
    on their way from pathetic to the ditto stage

  10. Anonymous

    I believe both inflections work quite aptly Tina

  11. The Baldwin brothers (all 3? 4? of them) will die mundane deaths, but in the afterlife, they will find themselves together in a windowless, doorless, MIRRORLESS room. They will be stuck there for eternity, with only each other for company.

    Kind of like Huis Clos (No Exit), but with Baldwins.


  12. Yeah, I remember the first time I got high too, clackagonia. ๐Ÿ™„

  13. Anna

    “The days of good English has went” was what I was going to say to clackagonia “either on your side or on my side, because I didn’t get that one”.
    But, your one was better Dave.

  14. I agree with the Seacrest one the most. I would really like to know who told him his signature was cool. They must be punished too.

  15. Aw, c’mon, Dave. Mel’s a good guy. Imagine all the courage it must’ve taken to go against mainstream Hollywood and make the movie none of them wanted. And look how graciously he handled the Oscars snub. I think Mel’s a real man! ๐Ÿ˜›

Comments are closed