If fruits had a class structure

Doesn’t it seem like certain foods, fruits in particular, have a class association with them? Here’s what I mean by that:

  1. Apples: A good, standard fruit, The working man’s fruit. Apples appeal to the common man as well as to ideals, possibly owing to their dubious Biblical connections in Genesis. A damn fine fruit.
  2. Avacadoes: A total chick fruit. Avacadoes can only be eaten by males if hidden under the manly name “guacamole”. Otherwise, this fruit just screams middle class estrogen.
  3. Bananas: The poor banana. Relegated to a lower class existence of crude, frat boy jokes and slapstick humor.
  4. Kumquats: A ridiculous fruit. Only village idiots and imbeciles purchase them because “kumquat is a funny word.”
  5. Oranges: Somehow oranges are synonymous with good health and tacky garnishes. Oranges are as cheap as the bikini girls that hawk them.
  6. Papayas: A dirty word in Cuba, the papaya is purchased by untraveled Americans who feel its addition makes things seem “tropical” and “exotic”.
  7. Pears: As upscale a fruit as you’re likely to find. Any dish is instantly more elegant by its addition and when you see someone eating one, you instantly assume that person to be a formidable thinker.
  8. Pineapples: The pineapple was king of fruits back in the day. Its day is over and now it sits in grocery stands like a retired uncle telling about the one that got away.
  9. Strawberries: This fruit oozes sex. Any dish becomes sexier with the addition of the phallic strawberry. You rarely hear anyone say, “Oh no thank you. It has strawberries.” Those that dare utter such heresies are quickly maimed by an angry mob.
  10. What impressions do fruits give you?
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Show 29 Comments


  1. beyonduplication

    passion fruit: always reminded me of some guy in a polyester suit and big, gold chain. passion fruit is over-hyped and thinks it’s so great… ๐Ÿ™„

  2. Ronica

    Grapes: The fruit of the gods. Reminds me of the Romans with plam fronds relaxed before beheadding whom ever has crossed them ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

  3. Peaches/Nectarines-‘ZillaGirlz of the Fruit Family. Get them fuzzy or smooth. Rich, tasty, powerful and desired by many.

    Tomatoes-The Black Sheep of the Fruit Family. “We know it’s there but is it really one of us?”

    Banana-Low class but important. Responsible for educating many women in the arts of oral entertainment to improve life quality, health and create peace on earth. Those few fortunate and successfull may qualify someday as lower middle class.

  4. [Comment ID #193776 will be quoted here]

    That’s a dead-on review.

  5. Cherries are easy, like the neighborhood sluts.

  6. Mikeme

    Nobody admits to have/like Dingleberries! ๐Ÿ˜•

  7. Bigwavdave

    You want a sexy fruit? One word: FIG. Split a ripe fig down the middle and tell me what you see. Open that puppy up and EAT IT! No utensils required, just a strong tongue. A zillafruit if ther ever was one.

  8. Bjorn Freeh

    Wow, this is like comparing apples and oranges…

    Apricots, nature’s candy. A smartypants fruit that’s sweet, tangy, provocative, upscale. A thinking-person’s fruit. The Steve Martin of fruit.

  9. yankee04

    Raspberries-the fruit that makes people laugh out loud when put on their tummy.

  10. Blueberries: The geeky fruit that’s not cool enough to be a grape. That’s why they like to hide out in muffins.

    Lemons: That mean-looking old person sitting across from you on the bus and gives you the evil eye for the whole ride.

    Limes: The gayest of the fruits, but is just so much fun to party with. Makes excellent mojhitos.

    Raspberries: The teenage girl of fruits that loves hanging out with her friends at the mall and talking about the hot boy peppers that walk by.

    Blackberries: The goth teenage girl that hates everything and everyone. She hides her kill list under her bed.

    Cucumber: The other gay fruit but is in denial about it. Has dreams at night about becoming a pickle and being jammed in a jar with other pickles.

    Melons: The busty, voluptuous woman that winks at you from across the room.

    Cantaloupe: The sweet old lady who used to be a melon and likes to reminisce about the old days.

  11. beyonduplication

    grapes are chameleons. or role-players…. swingers! they’re in everything, always trying to act like something else.

    just you go and read the label on “cranberry juice”

  12. Here in the somewhat semi-tropical almost paradise of the no-longer-Dictator-ruled country of Chile, one of the most popular fruits is the CHIRIMOYA. This is the frikkin’ most UGLY thing in the world. It tastes like an un-licked ashtray, and they (the chileans) put it in EVERYTHING. God help you if you travel to Valparaรƒยญso and ask for a Chirimoya Alegre

  13. Blueberry: The geeky fruit that isn’t cool enough to be a grape. That’s why they like hiding out in muffins.

    Lemon: The mean-looking old person sitting across from you on the bus and gives you the evil eye the entire ride.

    Lime: The gayest of the fruits, but is just so much fun to party with! Makes excellent mojhitos.

    Raspberry: The teenage girl of fruits that likes to hang out with her friends at the mall and talk about the hot boy peppers that walk by.

    Blackberry: The goth teenage girl that hates everything and everyone. She hides her kill list under her bed.

    Melon: The busty, voluptuous woman that winks at you from across the room.

    Cantaloupe: The sweet old woman who used to be a melon and likes to reminisce about the old days.

  14. Strawberry-Crack whore. ๐Ÿ˜› (Aren’t you guys proud of me? I was paying attention when y’all taught me that one! ๐Ÿ˜† )

  15. AnnieB

    Honeydew – universally dreaded by husbands. ๐Ÿ˜›

  16. Phew! My comments are finally up. I was starting to think I didn’t exist.

  17. Drusky

    Grapes, the insecure, unhappy fruit. They always seem to be happiest when hanging around in bunches and when they are hard-pressed, all you get is ‘whining’… ๐Ÿ™„

    [Comment ID #193797 will be quoted here]
    Not exactly what you’d drink juice from… ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  18. Mandy

    [Comment ID #193785 will be quoted here]

    LOL! Yup, the whores of the fruit world

  19. Spud

    Kiwifruit – just like the All Blacks, they think they are da bomb.

    Mango – Just too cool for school, you and your bloody mangoes, go have a party someplace else.

    Quince – This fruit makes me think of some old fart in a rumpled suit with glasses pouring of huge ledgers in a dusty office wiping snot away with a hanky.

    Plums – Upstart DINK(double income no kids) type of fruit, everyone knows one but is loathe to admit it.

  20. pablo

    Sorry, If I had to put fruits in an order

    Just experimenting
    Out of the closet
    Village person
    Flaming Queen
    Sultan of Cleveland

  21. Driver

    Raisins- the geriatric fruit, Once young grapes popular in all the social circles. Now after to much fun in the sun reduced to hangimg out in cereal box’s

  22. speedy

    Kiwis, so fuzzy, like big balls, kind of sexy

  23. I am immersed in the American consumerist culture. What is this fruit you speak of? Everybody knows that fruit flavor comes from some artificial potasium sorbate and citric acid and other unpronouncible ingredients.

  24. officeratt

    Pablo….are you trying to tell us something??? A fruity are ya ?

  25. pablo

    [Comment ID #193826 will be quoted here]

    [Comment ID #193992 will be quoted here]

    Officerat has now replaced the Sultan of Cleavland for actively seeking out fruits

  26. officeratt

    Oh Pablo did I touch a nerve? ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  27. alex

    Mango, a nice juicy Mango, slabs of Pakistani Mango… now that’s what the Gods eat.

  28. AnnieB

    I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before but my God, it’s a first! Almost unbelievable! I caught YOU in a spelling error! Avocado, not Avacado.

    I now proclaim myself to be Chief of the Spelling Police!

    Please hold your applause (and fruit throwing) to a minimum.


Comments are closed