How to speak in Programmer

When they say:
“The SMTP mail server may be acting erratically today.”
They really mean:
“Turn me down for a date, will you? See if you get email anymore.”

When they say:
“Is that really a good user experience?”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“You haven’t provided the proper documentation.”
They really mean:
“I’ve ruined the project. I plan on blaming you. Somehow.”

When they say:
“That’s not a feasible timeframe.”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“I like your t-shirt.”
They really mean:
“ZOMG Boobies!”

When they say:
“We can’t have that finished. The server will need to be reset tonight.”
They really mean:
“It’s my D&D night, Elven whore!”

When they say:
“I see you’ve written to the CEO about the project taking too long.”
They really mean:
“And I’ve infected your machine with a Trojan Horse that will make you responsible for bringing down the company’s network. Hope your resume is up to date.”

When they say:
“I’d be happy to help.”
They really mean:
“I found a naked picture of you and will blackmail you later.”

When they say:
“Help you build your website? Depends. What kind of website is it?”
They really mean:
“Does it have boobies?”

When they say:
“I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.”
They really mean:
“I’ve never seen a naked lady in person.”

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comment 23 comments
  • Anna

    Don’t even understand what they really mean!! Need :java: !!

  • Spud

    When they say:
    “I’m such a geek.”

    They really mean:
    “I’ve never seen a naked lady in person, but maybe you can change that”

    :geek:

  • Mandy

    When they say
    “I really like you, Mandy”
    They mean
    “I just shot my wad talking to you, Excuse me” :dead:

  • tractor_death

    When they say:
    “im going on an adventure with all my friends”

    They really mean:
    “im going on world of warcraft”

  • Joe-the-ragman

    Oh sh*t – Mandy – hand me a towl ! 🙄

  • Da Popster

    Don’t understand what you’re talking about you weenie, fix the fucking thing or be prepared to enter into a game called ” A World of Hurt” ………….

  • Da Popster

    Mandy ……………. get a life ……….. and perhaps new batteries ❗

  • Sher

    When they say:
    Blah,blah,blah
    They really mean:
    BLAH,BLAH,BLAH :geek:

  • Nikki

    When they say:
    “He’s a very bright and energetic boy.”
    They really mean:
    “The doctors are still adjusting his medication.”

  • Zilla the Younger

    Here’s an actual one I heard:
    When they say:
    “I need to rethink my telecommunications strategy”
    They really mean:
    “I need to change phones”

  • chainstay

    WHEN THEY SAY:
    “I am just a computer geek.”
    THEY REALLY MEAN:
    “I make sooo much more money than you!”

  • Meagan

    When I say: “Can you repeat what you just said?”
    What I really mean: “Sorry, but I don’t speak Nerd.”

  • beth

    I am sooooo glad I am not a dog!

  • Zinta

    When they send out an e-mail that states:
    We have lost a Core router which connects Nagios to all network systems. Which means that the network isn’t down but Nagios thinks it is… thus it is sending out pages to all tech support and managers every 30 minutes…. and it”s going to take me 3 days to fix it because the part I need is in Puerto Rico.

    What they mean is:
    I’ll freaking teach you to put me on call 3 times in a row and call me every night at 3am.

    (YES I am the Network Guy!!!) 8)

  • Mitch

    Nikki.
    Great Link.

    Not enough Oxy-Contin on his Cigar this week.

  • Kangaroo

    WHEN THEY SAY: ITS YOUR COMPUTER, HERE’S 20 THINGS TO DO TO FIX IT THEY REALLY MEAN : We don’t know what we are doing, try this, but its REALLY US, we just want to see you on Zoloft and Valium, bouncing off the walls.

  • Dude

    When they say: this is an issue for Eric the Tech and he will post the solution on a stickie
    They really mean: Eric the Tech needs a kick in his stickies ❓

  • Kangaroo

    [Comment ID #79853 will be quoted here] I met Eric The Tech, and I am no longer welcome to beta test on that site, just for threatening to kick his stickies through his nostrils

  • Tom McMahon

    How To Translate What Computer Programmers Say…

    When they say:“The SMTP mail server may be acting erratically today.”They really mean:“Turn me down for a date, will you? See if you get email anymore.” When they say:“I see you’ve written to the CEO about the project taking too…

  • Penguin Pete

    Speaking as a programmer of eight languages, you nailed them all except the last one:
    When they say:
    “I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.”
    They really mean:
    “My lobotomy went great! I will never have a single cogerent thought again!”

    as shown by the following two bits of conventional wisdom:
    Q: “How do you tell it’s an MSCE stranded by the road with a flat tire?” A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one’s flat.
    Q: “How do you tell it’s an MSCE stranded by the road with a dead battery?” A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one’s flat.

  • Penguin Pete

    [Comment ID #79832 will be quoted here]

    She seemed to have one before you arrived…

  • Brad K.

    When they say: Don’t blame me if it hangs up!
    They Mean: My boss shipped it before we finished. Then called his kid brother to write a manual.

    When they say: It passed QA
    They Mean: It wasn’t intended to work. Federal Acquisitions Rules required it to pass QA checks from a different application.

    When thy say: It will be finished in two weeks
    They mean: We can hope. The boss’s schedule shows two weeks of budget lefr.

    Moral: The ship don’t go where the captain don’t steer. Most computer problems trace to managers that ship bad or incomplete products, or fail to use developer resources as effectively as they use sticky notes.

  • rust

    Don’t forget the mother of all programmers, Simon, the BOFH.

    See here: http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard1.html

    BTW, Simon’s Dad died recently so he’s screwed up the site slightly.

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