Special Guest Author: Jules OdeNile
- If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.
- Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you
can do it until they hang up.
- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, you be my friend?”
- If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad
you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the
- If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get
out goat blood? How about human blood?”
- Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come
on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
- Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up â€¦ louder â€¦ louder â€¦
- When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is
this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
- How would you annoy them?
well….some of these companies have pre-dialers or something so when you pick up the phone there is no-one there. hello? hello? on the second hello it kicks over and then the person clicks on the line with the pitch. at that point i go silent to see if i can get more hellos for nothing than they did. :java:
My friend had a very cruel but effective tactic:
He’d listen to the first few lines of the pitch, then say, “I’m really interested, but I’ve got something on the stove–can you hang on a second while I take care of that?”
He’d then put the phone down and go on about whatever he was doing. Every ten minutes or so, he’d pick up the phone and see if they were still on the line. If they were, he’d say, “Sorry it’s taking so long. I really am interested. Can you hang on?”
He once had someone wait for over 40 minutes (while he ran the vacuum cleaner in the background) before they hung up.
Never mind all that, what I do is check caller ID, if I don’t know who it is, I thumb talk, then end. Gives them a nice click …. dial tone and just about as much attention they deserve.
Why the hell should I waste my time even jerking those assholes around? :puke:
Talk in a loud and monotone voice, pretending you can’t control the volume of your voice.
Continually burp and fart into the phone, then say “uh oh” and hang up.
“Thou shall not interrupt the ritual! I curse you with all the power Satan has given me!”
I just say “there’s nobody here right now to take your call, please try again later” and then I just say “there’s nobody here right now to take your call, please try again later” and then I just say “there’s nobody here right now to take your call, please try again later” and then I just say “there’s nobody here right now to take your call, please try again later”
It doesn’t take long.
Just keep repeating “what?” “what?” “WHAT?”. After a few minutes of that, say “OOOOOOOH.. no thanks, I’m not interested”, and hang up.
or… if you know a second language (preferably one like Latin or Swalihi – I use German) keep mumbling mmm hmmmm until they are completely done with the sales pitch, then spit out a stream of the other language. What’s fun about this is that you can call them all kinds of horrible names and they have no clue. “Leck mich am arsch, du schwanz lutscher”.. which translates to “lick my ass, you cocksucker”.
Note Don’t try this with spanish or hindu – chances are the caller knows the language better than you do.
one could, and am not saying i have, but one could just hand the phone over to (his) niece of three years and sit back knowing the pitch will never land anywhere safer. 🙄
I just say no thanks. It only gets ugly if they get pushy. By the way, that video…WTF? I didn’t finish watching it, I was afraid of what it might be leading up to.
I am Extreamly perky….like Florence Henderson on crack perky!
I shall use some of these techniques as we missed the no call list-and I espiecally like doing the devil voice-all of these are good -I shall use them
I sometimes give the phone to my toddler and let her chatter away. Even better, my oldest daughter has teamed up with me and will burst in o tears while asking hadnt they heard? She will then go on to say that I had passed away yesterday, and ask the shocked caller, are you a friend of hers? It’s kinda morbid I know but they feel horrible and kinda stutter a bit…. :wtf:
One time a friend of mine got called by one of those places that tell you that you won a trip but there are really all these catches and you have to pay a certain amount. He acted all crazy excited. “I WON! I WON A TRIP! OH MY GOD I NEVER WIN ANYTHING! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!” After going on like this for a while (which included shouting to non-existent others in the room about his big win) the telecallamarketer interrupted him to explain the catch and having to pay a certain amount at which point he acted just as crazy upset. “WHAT?! YOU SAID I WON! NOW I HAVE TO PAY?! YOU JUST TOLD ME I WON! I WON A TRIP SO WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY?! LEMME TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!” He continued this method for several minutes before the caller finally hung up. 😈
Keep a whistle by the phone. When they begin their speil, blow it as loudly and as
long as you can. If they are still on the line, repeat the process. 😛 🙄 :wtf:
Oh, and pretending to be foreign and that you understand very little English is fun. My same friend did this in an Indian accent once (sounded just like the Kwik-E-Mart owner from the Simpsons) and I just about pissed myself it was so funny.
I just set the phone down and leave it there until I hear the beep-beep-beep that tells me that they’ve hung up and the connection has been lost.
Either that or I just say http://www.ebaumsworld.com over and over and over again. They hate that.
9 Is fantastic. Quick and to the point!
I’d read them Davezilla.
Link-O-th’Day: I think we’ve just found the big new opening for the Davezilla TV Show…
When a telemarketer offered me a new internet service, I replied that I thought the internet was evil and computers were the devil’s handiwork. This went on for some time, with my becoming ever more insistent that it would sacrifice my soul to even touch a computer keyboard.
In the end, the telemarketer gave up and referred me to their webpage for more information.
Well, I suppose you could always start narrating a really filthy porn scenario – Something like Annie B or Astryd might (and I apologize if I offend here) spew forth…”And then she…and then I…and then she…and it felt like…and we got…all over the …” :wtf: :wang: :wtf: :boobs: :boobs: :wang:
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You offend? Never, love! :kiss:
Let’s see Bigwav… how about something from When Harry Ate Sally? No? Maybe Romancing the Bone? Free My Willy? Hmmm, those might be too tame, actually.
Pulp Friction might produce the desired results.
I dunno, what do ya think?
Perhaps Astryd will have something in mind…
I must admit BWD, I’m a little puzzled about why you think this tactic would ANNOY telemarketers. 😛
First chance I get, I tell them I am sans panties
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Or say “Call for help, I’ve just been stedged!” … and hang up.
I like to keep them on the line as long as humanly possible, soundly completely interested, only to rudely turn them down at the end of the call.
Video of the day: :wtf:
Back when I had an answering machine, I made the greeting really breif so that the auto dialers wouldn’t know that it was an answering machine and clickover after the beep. I used to have some of the funiest answering machine messages from telemarketers that really wanted me to answer the phone.
My 14 year old neice currently has the best approach to telemarketers that I have EVER seen. She will pretend to be a mentally retarded child that doesn’t quite understand that the telemarketer needs to speak with here mother. All the while she veers on unrelated tangents of stories and many questions to her new “friend”.
Annie B spewed forth: I must admit BWD, Iâ€™m a little puzzled about why you think this tactic would ANNOY telemarketers.
I see your point. Of course not everyone enjoys a good (filthy) tale the same as the Zilla Babes. Another glass of wine m’dear?
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And if that doesn’t work, I tell them that my avatar on DZ is wearing a thong over his face like a surgical mask, and that the thong is from The House of Mandy, Fall 2009 Collection.
Guaranteed * click *
Plus occasional visits from the FBI, DOJ, INS and Entertainment Tonight camera crews.
i would like to receive a call from “the house of mandy”. i would be listening long and hard and and responding appropriately in the right places. :thong: :wang: :thong: :wang: :thong:
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Thanks, don’t mind if I do. 😆 :kiss:
If they want info such as SSN, bank account number, or other personal things. Tell them that as a gesture of good faith they should give you their Bank account number, SSN, home phone number, cell number, etc. When they say that they can’t do that ask them why you should give them yours. They will then tell you that your info is safe with them. Tell them that their info is safe with you, promise. Tell them that you would be interested in their product if they will just cough up the info. How can I trust you or your product if you are unwilling to trust me? Identity theft? Never heard of it.
I hate to waste time on the phone and especially on these guys. Although it looks like all of the Davezilla folk make an exception for fun at their expense.
The ones I hate enough to give a hard time is the instant quote internet options. They don’t do it instantly and then start to ask for all of your persoal information. By the time they get through reading I write, they could have an intelligent conversation with a proctologist.
I like to look at the caller ID first and then answer the phone as them.
Say Olan Mills calls…
“Hello. This is Olan Mills how may I help you?”
Whatever the company, it will confuse them enough where they usually hang-up.
I always repeatedly push the pound sign because it screws up their system….
Either that or say ff**** u into their feed back system 😈
We lived in an apartment, the phone rings, and the marketer says that his records indicate that we own our own home.
OK. (Didn’t confirm or deny).
Talked to him about aluminum siding for 45 minutes…colors, warranty, delivery schedules, the whole 9 yards.
When it came time to commit, I simply said that it sounded great, but I’d have to ask my landlord.
I also had a really rude woman, so I put the phone under the horn of the car. Works better than a whistle, judging from the # of times she called back!
Ok so I’m a little late. When i was a kid my dad used to tell telemarketers/worng numbers that “so and so” had been arrested recently for child molestation and were awaiting trial. Could he take a message to include in his next jail letter to them. Alternatively he would answer the phone “Livermore Mortuary – you stab ’em we’ll slab ’em” will this be delivery or carry out. 😛
Our next door neighbor was the town mortician… :wtf:
when they ask 4 some1 i just say uh u r going to contact him at the mental hospital. he went crazy and ate some1 last week. or i start asking them what their wareing if its sexy low cut.
I had one ask for the person in charge of finances in the family. I tld hem that would be my wife. They asked when would be a good time to talk to her, I replied, don’t know, she left 6 months ago.
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