Fun with Shopping Carts

Owing to some past-life, seventh generation Irish curse, I have been destined to tarry on this earth forever branded as the poor soul with the squeaky shopping cart. It never fails. I test and experiment, to the dismay and amusement of other savvy shoppers, but always end up with the cart that sounds like a thousand metal rakes dragging carelessly across a chalkboard the breadth of the Mississippi River.

Being the victim of this lifelong curse has taught me one thing: the curse cannot be broken, but it can be exploited.

  1. Pretend your cart has a flat. Drag a jack into the grocery store, or call a towing company to give you a lift.
  2. Arrive in shorts and a tank top and carry a bucket of warm water and a large sponge. Begin washing your cart down. Take pride in polishing it and disdainfully notice how dirty other peoples’ cart are. Use the hose that the grocers water the produce down with for the final rinse.
  3. Install an exceptionally loud sound system in your cart. Make sure the bass is loud enough to rattle windows and cause cans to vibrate off the shelf as you traverse the aisles.
  4. Put curb feelers and purple running lights under your cart. Wear dark glasses and try to pick up every hottie you see. If possible, transform your cart into a rice-rod and challenge other shoppers to a race.
  5. Move your cart to the edge of the aisle and put road flares around it. Wave down passersby with maglights and plead for assistance.
  6. Install backup lights and proximity beepers on your cart. Have a friend in a hardhat signal you to back up slowly. Make sure no one gets in the aisle until you have backed out completely. This should take 10-15 minutes if done properly. Put up orange cones if necessary.
  7. Carry a clipboard and use your cart in 5 mph crash safety tests.
  8. Bring a snow shovel and parka. Spread road salt around your cart and patiently wait for your cart to “thaw out”.
  9. Dress as a traffic officer. Give tickets to shoppers who illegally park their carts in the lanes. Be a loud, abusive cop and take every opportunity to get out the night stick and lay some smackdown.
  10. Feign complete ignorance of what a shopping cart is. Lay it on its side. Poke it with a stick. Scream at it. Read it a story. Pour water on it and run away.

Special assistance by Natalie

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  1. HA HA HA!! I think in our past lives, we must’ve been siblings, Dave. I’ve always been The Girl That Gets the Cart With the Funky Wheel. Every single time. Never fails. I’ll even break up the long stack of carts and pull a cart out of a middle, and it will be the Funky Wheel Cart.

    Btw, looks nice! (But should we worry that the first car we see when we click that link is a Corvette? Is that some kind of subliminal message? :wtf:)

  2. Esther

    I usually manage to pick the one with both the squeakiness, and the lovely wobbly wheel. This, surprisingly enough, never prevents me from walking out w/at least $30 worth of crap. looks very nice, Dave. I’d be even more excited for you if I knew what layout tables were. 😆

  3. Spud

    I usually get the super hot rod type of cart, no problemo.

    On the Chevy site ➡ cool, looks just like the real thing … :mrgreen:

    But use tables okay, let’s not give in to those heathen css bastards. 😕

  4. Spud

    Why did I know you were a gonna say that, dang, we been a using tables since moses was around and they shure do work good.


  5. Spud

    or was that tablets ?

    I’m so confused

  6. Anna

    Nice shoppingcarts on

  7. ReV.JeLLyBaBy

    It seems as though shopping carts or trolleys (as we call them in the U.K) are indeed hated by all.
    There’s nothing worse than finding out that the trolley you spent the time and effort to select and unlock, is in fact a heap of shit.
    As you approach the entrance to the supermarket, the fun begins.
    Maybe the trolley has a slight tendancy to steer to the left, maybe to the right but don’t think that the problem will get better, in fact, as you progress towards the magnetic “travelator” and the point of no return, seriously consider abandoning your shopping project.

    It is my belief that as the trolley is pulled along, the so-called “travelator” is scanning you and finding your weakness just the same as that freshly bought lettuce being packed at the check out ahead.

    Then once they have your profile, the messages are sent directly to the wheels on the trolley in order to create the optimum pattern for critical annoyance.

    Why do this, to paying customers?

    The answer is simple.

    The longer you take to push the trolley around the supermarket. The longer THEY have to convince you that the “Mega Deal” of the day consisting of 40 tins of tuna and a garden hose IS a necessity for any household.

    Especially yours.

    Resistance is futile and very soon you will find the trolley IS in control as you hurtle towards the deli-counter, the trolley straining against your frantic attempts to repel this sudden change of direction.

    My advice.

    Shop three or four times a week and use a basket.


  8. ReV.JeLLyBaBy

    P.S good work on the thing by the way.

    I’d be stoked too if I understood all this I.T stuff. But alas, like Esther I know not of the things of which you speak.

    I thought layout tables were where dead people went for autopsy, so that just about shows my level of comprehension.


  9. Mr. Clean reporting for duty…
    In today’s ain’t it the way it goes? department, “what we have here is a failure to communicate.” 

    Don’t bogart that happy meal, dude, or you might end up craving a little fun with shopping carts.

    And now, resorting to some slightly aged fo…

  10. Mandy

    So you’re the one with the squeaky wheel! :wtf:

    Chevy looks beautiful. You should be proud over at Cambell-Ewok. 😈

  11. Frisko

    Great Job Dave on the GM site…very super groovy.

    How come no one mentioned a cart cut up into a BBQ grill or functioning a a laundry hamper from the laundry chute in the basement or functioning as an apartment for an individual

    I too hate carts, and find I use a hand basket most often……..ask my boys…they hate me for it….tee hee

  12. Ooh! Nice redesign (OK, I never saw what it looked like before, but it’s nice now!)

  13. Anonymous


  14. Anonymous


  15. Anonymous


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