Fake foods that should not be

  1. Spray Cheese
  2. Canned Sausage. The power of Christ compels you!
  3. Boxed Wine. Wrong, wrong wrong.
  4. Squeeze Mayo and Margarine
  5. Spray Cooking Oils
  6. Goober
  7. Tofurkey
  8. Mac & Cheese Loaf. Makes the Baby Jesus cry.
  9. Instant Mashed Potatoes. Come on. How lazy can you be?
  10. What fake foods freak you out?

Guest author: Natalie

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  1. Tina Marie

    1. The Amour Dried Beef. It doesn’t look or taste like anything remotely resembling beef to me. Not that it doesn’t taste good, but it isn’t beef like any beef I know.

    2. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. It should be called “Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Food.” You know–cheese food–that fake sh@t that they call cheese that is definately NOT cheese.


  2. Pot Noodle –
    I dunno if you get it over on that side of the fishpond. A sealed plastic cup of dried noodle (or extruded PVC shoelaces as I’ve always suspected) plus one sachet of salty powdered chemicals. Open sachet, add chemicals to noodles and pour on boiling water for a delicious snack that tastes like soaked potato chips. Very popular in China apparently. Go figure.

  3. Scrawny

    Spam enough said 😛

  4. Stevie C

    Fluff, spam (the canned kind), powdered milk (not sure if you can even buy the stuff anymore), and fast food ‘shakes’ or ‘frosties’ that contain no milk or nutritional value at all and are made from “an edible oil product”.

    Well, after thinking about all that stuff, I guess it should be easy to get started on my resolution to lose a few pounds, cuz I’ve lost my appetite! :puke:

  5. mikeB

    [Comment ID #83349 will be quoted here]

    Ah Ramen. Food of the gods Dwarves 😈

  6. Bigwavdave

    I’ve had a long standing rule: Don’t eat purple food. :puke:

    Re: Ramen – HUGE in Japan (and on many a college campus here). In fact there is a Ramen museum in Tokyo.

  7. Bigwavdave

    So I guess sticking exactly to the subject at hand, Soylent Green is probably the worst offender. If you don’t know what it is, google it.

  8. Raz

    Squeezy peanut butter! They really make peanut butter in a tube. What this should be used for, I’m not so sure. I guess it’s a new take on the jar / spoon method. But it freaks me the f*ck out!

  9. sledge

    Squeeze horseradish sauce.Tastes like the north end of a southbound cow(don’t ask)

  10. Selkielass

    Boxed wine is GREAT for cooking- much better than most so called ‘cooking wine’.
    Personally I couldn’t live without spray cooking oil since I cook lowfat, aside from ‘special’ foods.
    A food that shouldn’t exist? Soda pop.
    Phosphoric acid and corn syrup with flavorings of questionable origin?
    That shit’ll kill ya.

  11. beyonduplication

    foods that should not be:
    ~ guacamole that doesn’t contain avacados. i saw a recipe using mostly mashed peas and mayo :puke:
    ~ decaf :java:
    ~ anything that has too many adjectives. (pasturized processed cheese food product) i’ll believe “product”, but it’s not food!
    ~ imitation crab. :dead:
    ~ i agree with the Kraft dinner. no powdered or envelope cheese, thanks. 😕
    ~ pickled eggs
    ~ weird parts like pigs feet or cow tongue
    ~ kill me for this if you must, but cheese shouldn’t be blue, mmmkay?

  12. Mitch

    Fake and Scary:
    Potted Meat

    Real and Scary:
    Rolled Anchovies

  13. Bjorn Freeh

    All of the technological advancements you kids enjoy today (every single one of them) can be traced back to the original — instant mashed potatoes from a box. That’s right, you wouldn’t have your toenail-sized phone/camera/PDA (with full keyboard for instant messaging) if instant mashed potatoes hadn’t been there first.

    Mashed potatoes from a box are what made America great. It was the people’s desire for instant mashed potatoes that brought down the Berlin Wall and ended communism. Yes, potato flakes ended the Cold War.

    Terrorists? They want our potatoes. They can’t stand seeing a a free people getting potatoes out of a box. They can’t eat their oil so they covet our Potato Buds. They will stop at nothing to get them or destroy them. They will even campaign against them in public forums, hoping to turn us away from our boxed wonders.

    Now, don’t even get me started on Spam — God’s third miracle (light, mankind, Spam).

  14. I heard this story about these college guys decided to live for 3 straight years on Kraftdinner. They developed the first case of scurvy in North America in 50 years. (I don’t know if it is true.) Scurvy is a lack of Vitamin C. That is why we have the fruits like “Naval oranges” Grown for the navy they are big and are packed with Vitamin C.

    I steer clear of Twinkys (they have a 20 year shelf life.)
    I won’t buy a product of anything with 1” of dust on the top of it.

    Did I mention fruit cake.

  15. junkman

    Ignoring a number of disturbing studies suggesting potential human health hazards, Stephen F. Sundlof, director of the FDA Center for Veterinary Medicine said “that meat and milk from cattle, swine and goat clones is as safe to eat as the food we eat every day.”

    boy that says alot. now our shit food can be built on this wonderful new foundation. i imagine chef boyardee is beaming and it’s not because he’s goosing the pillsbury dough boy. :puke:

  16. Bjorn Freeh

    Freaky food:

    ~ grilled cheese sammich with a tomato slice in it
    ~ apple pie with a slice of cheese
    ~ sushi (it ain’t real until it’s deep fried)
    ~ mixed vegetables (they don’t grow that way — fake as it gets)

  17. beyonduplication

    i think naval oranges are called that because of the growth that’s opposite of the stem that resembles a belly button. :geek:

  18. pablo

    Twinkies are bad enough, but what are those puff balls that look like pink styrofoam balls with shreaded aspestos on them?

    If hot dogs are made out of lips & assholes, would chicken / turkey dogs be just assholes since they don’t have lips?

    Tripe – I’m hoping no explanation is necessary ( throw in sweetbreads too! )

    frozen vegetables – I want nutrients if I have to eat this stuff

    Succotash – the name says it all

  19. Instant coffee: It’s wrong on so many levels. In fact, freeze-dried anything is suspicious.

    Mac & Cheese, deep-fried and served as an appetizer at Friday’s: There isn’t enough fat in the real thing?

    Pseudo-eggs aka the egg substitute. :puke: :puke: :puke:

    Jellied cranberry sauce: It comes out of the can still in the shape of the can….it’s unnatural in so many ways. In fact, most canned ANYTHING is gross…unless you like the taste of metal.

    Fake sugar aka saccharine, NutraSweet, etc. It tastes like chemicals because it IS chemicals.

    Powdered creamer. It doesn’t taste anything even REMOTELY close to the real thing.

    Margarine: How can you abandon butter? It’s so creamy…and good…and smooth….and tasty….

    Processed meats: They’re made from chemicals I can’t pronounce and body parts I don’t want to know about.

    Low-carb anything: Just eat the carbs for crissakes. And low-carb beer just sucks huge.

    Liquid Smoke: Yes, this really exists. It’s a food additive that allegedly makes your oven- or stove-top cooked food taste like it’s been grilled over an open fire. Don’t believe the hype.

    Fat-free salad dressing: Save your money because you already have this at home. It’s called vinegar.

    White chocolate: It tastes like wax…it looks like wax…and it feels like wax. People, chocolate is SUPPOSED to be brown.

    Blue food: The only blue food out there is the blueberry. Anything else requires a boat-load of chemicals.

  20. Jack

    Aspartame!!! anything that is poison in larger quantities can’t be good in small quantities either.

  21. Navel (not naval) oranges. And yes, it’s because they have a belly button. When they finally figured out what caused scurvy, the British navy started supplying limes to sailors, hence the term “limey.” :geek:

    Cooking wine is another very wrong thing. I’ve never understood the pont. Wine with salt? EW! Why not just buy a decent bottle of wine and cook with that, then drink the rest? Much more pleasant and tasty.

  22. Stevie C

    Hey Bjorn,

    You’re mashed potatoes from a box that made America great were invented by a Canadian. So was processed cheese (and KD too, since J.L. Kraft was Canadian), chocolate bars, frozen food, pablum, and to whip it all up in, the electric oven.

  23. Astryd

    Fake fake foods-
    some fast food joints water down their cokes/soft drinks to increase the volume of sales, then fill the cup 3/4 with ice. It’s like buying Coca Cola shot and chasing it with a cup of water. :puke:

    Big Mac’s secret sauce-thought it belonged on salads but sometimes not so sure.

    Rice cakes- 😐 is it really as healthy as they’re meant to be after the butter flavoring, carmel dipping, peanut mixing, etc?

    Non/low fat, low carb, caffeine free…anything-after you’ve prepared, and mixed it with other not so healthy stuff. ie: fat free mochachino with vanilla, caramel, whipped cream and chocolate syrup. (just an example).
    (don’t get me wrong I still put this stuff in my body)
    Aspertame-I simply do not understand. ❓ You add sugar because you want it to taste good…

    I don’t pretend to be health conscious. I take everything with extra cheese and bacon, I fry my food with butter not oil or sprays (although I love the sprays for baking) I have chocolate (brown chocolate) in one form or another on a daily basis and I desire my heroin like fix (coke) at least every other day. and every once in a while I have a quart of chocolate ice cream right out of the box instead of unsalted butterfree popcorn while watching a movie. I love to enjoy food.
    But I do it all well aware that it is bad for me and when I’m 500 lbs and dying I’ll only blame myself for being so.

  24. Astryd

    Freaky foods:
    -Tuna fish and green apple sandwiches (only way I’d eat tuna as a child)

    -Fruit of almost any kind with lemon/lime juice, salt and powder chili

    -Tuna fish salad*Tuna, sliced lettuce and lime juice with salt as desired (great for dieters)

    -Tuna’s (don’t know what they’re called in english) the red round things on the tips of the…nopales?…cacti? We pick them off, peel them and eat them. Look like kiwi.

    -Chango/Diablito. A snowcone with lime juice and chili powder.

    -Pan Dulce. Thick slice of bread with layer of butter coated with sugar.

    -Coctel de Camaron/translated to shrimp coctail but is more of a cold soup with shrimp, fish, octopus, cilantro, chives, jalapeno’s, avocado,…in a tomato based liquid (ketchup, tomato sauce and tabasco).

    -Morcilla/Blood Pudding at a matanza.

  25. Fake, fake, fakety-fake! Freakish or fakeish foods:

    Tang/Kool Aid
    Head cheese
    Haggis/Stuffed Derma
    Instant milk
    Instant potatoes
    Instant gravy
    Freeze dried fish
    Anything that says “Cheese Food”
    Anything that contains CAROB
    Tofu pups (tofu hot dogs)

  26. Flash Gordon

    People! Discover the gastronomic delights encased in pig chitlin’s, one of
    nature’s wonders. A perfect blend of protein and fat, and, if battered and deep
    fried, carbohydrates as well. Certainly not a fake food! Generations of
    Georgians have thrived on them and turnips. Ambrosia! 💡 :java: :kiss: 🙄 :wtf: 🙁

  27. cronewynd

    Hey, I take exception to the Tofurkey listing!
    As a vegan, I have found Tofurkey to be a really GOOD alternative to killing a bird!

  28. Bjorn Freeh

    [Comment ID #83393 will be quoted here]

    I grew up across the St. Clair River from Canada. There’s a lot of stuff invented in Canada (Canadian bacon, Atlantic Giant pumpkins and John Belushi, to name a few) that the good ol’ U.S. of A. made better. Hmmm… if I claim John Belushi, can I disclaim Jim?

    Personally, I am greatly in debt to the Canadians for both the Red Wings and the Canadiens. And my Grandpa.

    Without Canada, there would be no Bjorn.

  29. Astryd

    :puke: Potted Meatonnaise® Ingredients
    Mechanically de-excrementized chicken anus meat, partially liquified wombat intestines (with bleach, stricnine, detergent, and extra virgin olive oil), rendered mixed chum (may contain possum, dog, horse, cat, gerbil, anteater, raccoon, insect, rat droppings, broccoli, or newspaper clippings), sawdust, saw dirt, saw mud, sawfish, scree (gravel), parakeet beak shavings, toenails, .125″ diameter rubber gaskets, that stuff, guar gum, xanthan, partially hydrogenated vulture vomit oil, polysorbitate mexylamphetaminomenon, quetzalcoatl, crystallized dylithium, clown meat, toothpicks, used chewing tobacco, fresh apples, iocaine powder, powdered snake eggs, recycled engine oil, red dye no. 5, and natural flavors.

    Potted Meatonnaise® is processed in a plant that handles nuts
    By consuming Potted Meatonnaise® you may also be putting nuts in your mouth

    😳 ❓ :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :dead:

  30. NOOOOOOOOOOO! I eat a lot of these foods and actually like them! Seriously.
    I like Diet Coke, every now and then I’ll eat Kraft Dinner and, even then, I might add a couple of hot dogs to it. What can I say? It’s comfort food, therefore quite tasty.

    But I definitely agree with the wrongness of Spam and fake purple food, like that purple ketchup Heinz came out with a few years ago. Ew. :puke:

  31. Driver

    [Comment ID #83350 will be quoted here]

    But I LOVE SPAM , spam & eggs , spam , eggs & bacon , spam , eggs , bacon & ham , spam , eggs , bacon , ham & potatos , spam , eggs , bacon , ham , potatos & spam , spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam !

    Oh yeah fake food , Beef sticks like Slim Jims ect . although it does not specificly say it in the ingrediants the main ingrediant is whats known as the belly strap , yes it comes from cows and its just what it sounds like , it consists mostly of fat with a little meat and though it is real food { I guess } its still a nasty thought , and yes I love to eat them .

    What is Aspartame ?

  32. starsfan

    Any kind of candied fruit

  33. [Comment ID #83409 will be quoted here]

    :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :dead:

    That’s just EVIL!!!

  34. Astryd

    [Comment ID #83413 will be quoted here]
    I actually went back to the site to make sure i had read it correctly and since noone had responded to it assumed that it had been ignored.
    I felt the sudden urge to share my trauma with Potted Meatonnaise
    Thanks, snarfblat for http://student.santarosa.edu/~asulliva/index.html

    Aspertame-substance used as a low-cal sugar substitute that is about 200 times as sweet as sucrose

  35. Astryd

    [Comment ID #83413 will be quoted here]
    I actually went back to the site to make sure i had read it correctly and since noone had responded to it assumed that it had been ignored.
    I felt the sudden urge to share my trauma with Potted Meatonnaise
    Thanks, snarfblat for http://student.santarosa.edu/~asulliva/index.html

    Aspartame-substance used as a low-cal sugar substitute that is about 200 times as sweet as sugar. Said to be discovered as an ulcer drug.

    Why did ketchup go green also? Green goop in my burger (working closely with law enforcement) does not make me go “yum”.

  36. Astryd

    That’s just EVIL!!!
    I actually went back to the site to make sure i had read it correctly and since noone had responded to it assumed that it had been ignored.
    I felt the sudden urge to share my trauma with Potted Meatonnaise
    Thanks, snarfblat for that lovely link.

    Aspartame-substance used as a low-cal sugar substitute that is about 200 times as sweet as sugar. Said to be discovered as an ulcer drug.

    Why did ketchup go green also? Green goop in my burger (working closely with law enforcement) does not make me go “yum”.

  37. Thanks Natalie, you are right about the navel oranges by my search. I am not always infallible. But the scurvy issue is the same, the navy had those problems. I prefer kiwis they have 2-3 times the vitamin C of an orange.

    I will also add I avoid any thing with a really unnatural color.
    Eg: Green maraschino cherries and some cheeses that are too yellow.
    Why take the natural rouge color out of a Cherri it and then change it to something bright and florescent. It can’t be good for you.

    I will put a product back if the Ingredients list has a pile of colors and preservatives in it. I am not a big fan of bleached flower. I prefer hole wheat bread to white bread.

    Note # 4 margarine link – ew gross

  38. Astryd

    😳 sorry I posted so many times. My pc was acting up and it didn’t help that Squishy was jumping on the keyboard wanting attention.
    It wasn’t showing that they had gone through so I continued typing… 😳

  39. I feel compelled to point out that spray cheese is a fun alternative to sugary whipped cream for those of us who are Atkins devotees.


  40. Spud

    Instant mashed potatoes is just going that little bit too far to the lazy side, plus they taste like absolute crap anyway.

  41. beyonduplication

    how hard is it to boil a potato?

    and, thanks Natalie, about the navel oranges thing…. I searched for both spellings and got lots of stuff. apparently lots of people misspell it. i should’ve looked in the dictionary.

    i totally agree with all the stuff Lisa said, too…. instant coffee, fake creamer, sugar substitutes, margarine, white chocolate….
    i’m not a stickler about every food, but i do read labels…. just because it’s low fat or low carb doesn’t mean it’s good for you! i mean, surely the fat and calories are better for you than chemicals! back to the real thing! (especially butter!)

  42. charm

    I agree fully on the green ketchup, the meatonaisse sight is just disgusting, but thankies for the link. Anyone ever tried a veggie burger? Why not just eat veggies? I cannot not eat anything that looks like a foot, tounge, hand, or is labeled as a body part. Neckbones? Livers? Gizzards? Eww, I mean come on. And I do live in Georgia. Also things that just look like goop like spinach just looks like a big green glob of cooked seaweed or something. Gross! 😡

  43. Coley

    I can’t believe Velvetta has yet to be pointed out. It is afterall, the mother of all “cheese food”. It has a texture similar to silly puty only softer. It is neither truly a solid, nor truly a liquid. It’s the creepiest fake food substitute I can think of. I take that back.. there is one creepier. The McRib. I watched a special on them… they are made of random meat scraps and injection molded into McRib mold forms. :puke: :dead:

  44. Coley

    Check out the pictures of the disected McRib :puke:

  45. Cara

    GOSH i didnt even know this stuff existed. Guess I’m going to the grocery store tonight.

  46. Someone once served me a slice of apple pie with a slice of velveeta on the side. :dead:

  47. Whenever anybody asks me what my favorite food is, I answer either “partially hydrogenated vegetable oil” or “corn syrup”. When they balk, I ask them to read the ingredients off the closest food package at hand.

    It’s in *everything*! So it might as well be my favorite, right? 🙄

  48. nessa

    “immitation” or “artificial” anything….if its not real strawberry juice, just what the heck else tastes like it?? and immitation cheese is made of plastic, if you dont believe me try to melt a piece of it in the microwave….it stays the same….no matter how long u nuke it… :wtf:

  49. MJaz

    That new salad dressing “spritzer”. WTF? That is the DUMBEST thing I have ever heard of. It must be pretty much just plain vinegar, because if it was the normal crap they put in bottled salad dressing, it would clog up the pump.

    But the commercials make it look so… sporty.. so healthy.. so “with it”.. I may buy some tomorrow. I wanna be one of those chicks with a Miss America smile… my hair flying as I fall into my chaise lounger with my salad and my ‘hip’ bottle of salad spritzer….

  50. MJaz

    OH.. and what about “mechanically separated chicken?? I dont wanna KNOW what that it.. or why they have to label it that way.. but it seems to be in the bottom of the barrel brands of meaty “imitation food”.

    I just shudder at that.. I pretty much shudder at chicken anyway.. if you have any clue how they are produced, you might too. I cant touch the stuff.. it’s too nasty.

    Not that I am vegetarian.. I actually have a TSirt that says “if you’re not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of MEAT?” but chicken is… just ewwwwwww.

  51. Howie

    This has been WAY too much fun! Let’s see, my grandmother used to fry chicken fat and onions. We ate it like popcorn and we wonder why our cholestrol is high?
    If you thought the burps were good, just wait!!! Get the matches!!!!

    Other things (that I refuse to eat):
    Sardines (it’s bait not food)
    vienna sausages
    quail eggs (they had lots of different colors and were sold at the italian deli in brooklyn)

    Oh, I eat tongue. It’s ok. Chris Rush says it is the only food that tastes you back. You go, “yum”, the sandwich goes “yum”…..

    OK, I gotta go eat dinner.

    Oh yeah! One more thing I don’t wanna eat… my wifes cooking!

  52. Instant mashed potatoes are the best… It’s not fake to me! It’s mushy, spoonlicking comfort food . 🙂

  53. As a college student, I gotta say that food is food. I don’t care if it’s real or not, just as long as it tastes good enough and doesn’t make me puke, it’s fine by me. Kraft Dinner? Good. Cheez Whiz? Good. Cafeteria food? Now, that’s a little chancy.

Comments are closed