Dear Mistre Dave Zilla 2: He’s back

Normally I don’t reprint email, respecting the privacy of my readers and because I have better things to do. However, when I am specifically requested to reprint said communiqué by none other than the Sultan of Cleveland, well, what can one do? I give you, unabridged, yesterday’s fan mail:

Dear Mister DaveZilla,
Yo bitch! I am back from the Graet Beyond to remind you of my Second Comming. I know you missed me. Right?? Huh? Pretty Please with Lemurs on Top? I am atncipating the arrival of spring and all the miniskirts and shit. Tomorrowday is the first day of the Spring Solstice. Or is it Equinocks? I fogret. Anyhoo, Your’e name came up because I was jerking off to furry sex at work and we talked about websights that are of good value. And have potential to stick around Your sight is at least 3-4 years old, righty tighty? Maybe its older I do not noes. BTW I have gas today so avoid my cubical. It’s pretty bad. You’d think I was shitting skunks and squirels. I may not recvoer. Evar.Yes I now my spelling sux ass. I am not caring about that .Only caring about the spring shit. OK Bad joke time: I thought I had sex with a nun, turned out i fucked a penguin. You love me long time.

stop making sence,
Yours in Dung,
The Sultan of Cleveland

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Show 25 Comments


  1. Reading this I thought I must be drunk. Then I realized I am drunk. It doesn’t make it better. :wtf:

  2. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

  3. He had me at “equinocks.”

    Let’s all have this dude’s babies. :puke:

  4. Spud

    I’ve always had a yearning to visit the graet beyond…

  5. “I thought I had sex with a nun, turned out i fucked a penguin.”

    — *AHEM*??? 🙄

    Defile all the nuns you want, but leave my species out of it.

  6. [Comment ID #158011 will be quoted here]

    Hear hear! The penguins will have nun of that!


  7. AnnieB

    Oh, give the guy a break. He’s only had sex twice in his life! Obviously the “first comming” was with a lemur so I think he’s progressed fairly well considering. I’m sure his dick atrophied shortly after puberty. It is disturbing though that he has thoughts of Dz while fondling himself. Watch your back (side) Dave!

  8. Anna

    [Comment ID #157880 will be quoted here]

    having his babies will be like shitting skunks and squirrels ..oh, no, they will LOOK like skunks and squirrels… or does this imply that i ain’t so pretty either?

  9. Bigwavdave

    Ah Spring – When a young man’s fancy likley turns to thoughts of lemurs? Skunks? Squirrels? Penguins? :limp:
    I’ll stick with jumping rope w/ Mandy. :wang:

  10. Just when I thought it was ok to think warm thoughts about spring, this mental image comes along. Six more weeks of winter, I beg of you oh great sultan.

  11. I don’t think I want to be around for his “Second Comming.” Especially if it’s with a penguin. :wtf:

  12. junkman

    Derea meister dung,
    Yo homes! graet to now your’e back. i was atncipating the Second Comming and mised you like the shit of spring todayday. Wrong?? NO WAIT!!!! i forgrot. Anyhoo the spleling is good with squirels and fucking a peguin fro Zilla Linaburty’s sight. evar. by is equinocks! equinecoks’ my lemur. HAHAHAHA. i cant’ avoid yrou cubical cuz of the shitting skunk e-m9aile like gas of no recvoery you send. lefty loosey! i jerked off to yrou nun in miniskrits. if you noes that makes sence.
    Poerwful To The Pepole,
    Mistre junkman

  13. pablo

    I have heard tell that the city of Cleavland is working on a class action suit for defamation of character against the Sultan. I does noes not fo sho. Bet your ass I’d be part if he was the Sultan of my town.

  14. family jules

    Uncle Muscle is proof that a license should be required for video cameras and sunless tanning spray, especially when used together.

    What the Sultan does to the English Language, Uncle Muscle does to music. Both should be arrested and “interrogated” until they confess their responsibility for global warming and Family Guy cartoons.

  15. sparks

    …maybe he had one of those feta sandwhiches..whatever he is on-I want some! 😆

  16. Cara

    I think just reading that dropped a few points off my IQ :wtf:

  17. pablo

    Please forgive me for my legnthy dissection of the Sultan’s letter.

    Dear Mister DaveZilla, (propper respect good for him)
    Yo bitch!(everyone calls him that so he thinks it is a good thing) I am back from the Graet Beyond to remind you of my Second Comming.(what? is he going to show us the front of his paants?) I know you missed me.(like a cold sore) Right??(like a huge cold sore) Huh? (does he have herpes?) Pretty Please with Lemurs on Top?(this is pure fiction. The lemurs always run away so he is into animal bondage) I am atncipating the arrival of spring and all the miniskirts and shit.(don’t know if he’d look good in a miniskirt but if you walk by his cubicle the shit is here already) Tomorrowday is the first day of the Spring Solstice.(I was unaware that 2007 edition of the illitterate’s calendar had this marked) Or is it Equinocks?(just in case you didn’t notice I misspelled it before) I fogret.(I wish I could) Anyhoo, Your’e name came up (he named his penis Davezilla) because I was jerking off to furry sex at work (another reason to stay far away from his cubicle) and we talked about websights that are of good value.(hate to concede he actually had a valid point here) And have potential to stick around Your sight is at least 3-4 years old, righty tighty? (he’s right handed) Maybe its older I do not noes.(if he used his smelling/spelling check he would) BTW I have gas today so avoid my cubical.(hazmat is hosing down the building as we speak) It’s pretty bad.(ever wish you were born without a nose?) You’d think I was shitting skunks and squirels.(DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT accept a dinner invitation from this man) I may not recvoer.(as if anyone around you would) Evar.(let’s check the obituaries)Yes I now my spelling sux ass.(the spelling just reflects the life style buddy) I am not caring about that . (thinking about it night and day though)Only caring about the spring shit.(with a load in your pants that large who could blame you) OK Bad joke time:(and the rest of this was ?????) I thought I had sex with a nun, turned out i fucked a penguin.(virgins are sooooo proud of their first time) You love me long time.(or until the smell disapates)

    stop making sence,(it hurts his brain)
    Yours in Dung,(can you smell what the sultan is cooking?)
    The Sultan of Cleveland (AKA the smelly guy in the next cubicle)

  18. [Comment ID #158668 will be quoted here]

    Hear hear.

  19. Watch out for the squids!
    I once made the mistake of adopting an octopus but only because I was suckered into it.

  20. cbatdux

    Pablo and Junkman – wel sed homes! U da bom!

    I’m desperatly hoping that the Sultan is really Spud in disguise having some fun. Otherwise our species is doomed…

  21. Russ


    Damn I thought your link was about the Navy being in town. That’s about all I miss about the serving – adopt a squid – ie girl in every port!

  22. OCBeavis

    Hard to b’leve the Sultan aktualy werks!

  23. [Comment ID #158668 will be quoted here]

    I have a feeling the Sultan’s IQ is in the single digits. Negative single digits, that is.

  24. michele

    If I adopt a squid does it protect them from being the star of Japanese pron?

Comments are closed