A woman’s touch

One thing that has always bothered me and that’s when a woman tells a man, “This place really needs a woman’s touch. It bothers me because a woman’s touch generally means seizure-inducing floral prints and a concrete duck on the front porch that wears a seasonal apron. Here’s what I mean:

What you own What she’ll replace it with
Beer bottle collection Hummel figurine collection*
Neon Bud Light wall decoration Fabric art that resembles misshapen rug samples glued together
“Art” magazines Actual art magazines
Engine on the kitchen table Holiday-themed candle centerpieces
Beach towels on the sofa Chenille throws on the sofa
“Yeah, it’s got a Hemi” bumper sticker “My child is an honor student at …”

*I can feel the testosterone slipping away every time I look at that picture.

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  1. First Comment! Whoo Hoo!

    What you own: Balls
    What she’ll replace it with: Nothing.

  2. She’ll replace your L. R. Hubbard Scientology® (autographed by Tom Cruise with a personal note to you) collection with Mary Stewart’s Living with God series, with special home-made bookmark tassels.

  3. She’ll replace all your porn with ‘Martha Stewart Living’, too. 😕

  4. I hate it they try to “organize”.

    I know where and which pile somthing is in, chances are, I even know which layer it’s in.

    If you put it away, it’s lost forever. 🙄

  5. “Fabric art”… so THAT’s where my old necktie collection went to.

  6. Spud

    yep, the fabric art thing happened here…


  7. Anna

    Now, I gotta protest!! I wouldn’t do that to any of you guys – trust me 👿

    Beer bottles. I’d replace them with my collection of half-smoked joints.
    Your Bud decoration? Replace it with Heineken ofcourse!
    “Art” Magazines? As long as you can tell me what the articles are about, you can keep those.
    Engine on the table. That’s not being replaced as long as my dogs can sleep under the covers.
    Beacht towels? Leopard skin!!! (also on the bed).
    I’d be proud if your bumper sticker said “Mine is biggerrrr”.

    (I’ve been alone for tooooo long :sad:)

  8. frisko

    I mostly agree with Anna, except for the dog in the bed idea.

    Do you really underestimate the women of Davezilla that much? I keep my Martha Stewart magazine collection neatly hidden….ahem

  9. frisko

    Shabby chic blows!

  10. Yup, love means having your dartboard chucked in the dumpster and having to actually make your bed once in a while.

    Dog under the covers Anna? Sorry, my heterosexuality has its limits.

  11. Steve

    I too am a victim of “a woman’s touch”. Testosterone? Yeah, I can remember when I use to be allowed to have some of that.

  12. CJ

    I lost my dogs playing poker

  13. I notice the women commenting neatly skirted around (‘scuse the pun) the whole floral print and concrete duck issue. 😐

  14. I have floral print in the guest bath to hopefully induce constipation so my guests don’t stink up the house or clog my toilet.

  15. and DAMMIT, I absolutely REFUSE to put the seat down on the toilet.

    NO WAY. No, no, no, no!

    (whisper whisper*)


    * anyone who can guess the content of the whispering has lived this scenario before…

  16. Mandy

    What does Natalie think of this, Dave?

  17. What he owns: Brown, winter blanket covering the window
    What she’ll replace it with: Curtains made of actually fabric in a tasteful color

  18. Thankfully, Natalie has very gender-neutral taste. If anything, I would have to be clearing her camera parts off the table. 😛

    And Fran? No man would hang brown blankets from their windows. That’s absurd. Red ones maybe, but brown?

  19. I’m still retching from the dress-me-up geese.


  20. Alright, alright, here. That’s enough!

    1. I absolutely hate Hummel figurines, and would actually prefer a cool beer bottle collection. Just dust it every other millenium, and we’re cool.

    2. Since Bud Light isn’t actually a beer, this would be replaced with, at the very least, my broken MGD neon light, or more than likely, a Guinness or Heineken piece.

    3. Love those ’50s-style pinup pics, so the magazines would be fine, but would most likely be mixed up with my E Weekly and MacWorld magazines. Deal.

    4. Engine on the kitchen table? Try the garage, buddy. Since I have never created, nor would want to create, a holiday-themed candle centerpiece, there’d probably either be a cool candle and holder from Pier 1, or a pile of mail in the middle.

    5. I have one comfy dark blue/green chenille throw that tossed over my leather recliner, that looks nowhere near as gay as those two pictured in the link (sorry, Dave).

    6. If a sticker is lucky enough to have the privilege of being stuck on my car, it will most likely resemble the ones in this photo.

    Froo-froo floral prints make me want to cry and whimper in the corner, right after being violently ill.:evil:

    The ducks are cute, but it’s a shame they don’t come with leather outfits and chainsaws for Halloween.:twisted:

  21. I was with you Esther, until you mentioned the ducks being cute and suddenly all your valid points went out the window. 😈

  22. Well, it’s not like I would ever buy them. lol I’m just not the duck porch decoration type. If I had the knack for it, I’d prefer thee scare the shit out of the kids and straights at Halloween-scenario.

    Which window? I may want to fly out there with all my valid points. :kiss:

  23. That’s ‘fly out of there’. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need some caffeine.

  24. I’d prefer thee scare the shit out of the kids
    Thee? You want me to? Well, if you insist. 😈

  25. That sounds messy, but it’s your sidewalk.

  26. Dave, the blanket was brown,but is now replaced with more tasteful Franmade handmade curtains in a masculine blue, green, and brown striped pattern.

    I should talk. I had sheets over the windows in my bachelorette pad.

  27. DK

    She demands that the nice, eggshell white walls in every room in the house get repainted using…pastel colors. 🙄

  28. RG

    Hell no, DK. Dark colors for me…

  29. em

    oi, I used to like you! 👿

    Lies, all of it. Where you’ve put woman’s touch, you quite clearly mean ‘Grandmother’s’.

    ’nuff said.

  30. I remember when my playstation was actually connected to the TV in the living room. *Sigh*. I remember being allowed to play games after class. Now, I can only play games when she is asleep or I have done every concievable chore imagined.

    My neon beer signs are long gone.

Comments are closed