In the movies…

  1. …women’s purses only have four items in them
  2. …an entire corporation’s data fits on a single disk
  3. …men can unhook bras on the first try
  4. …storms and wars can be quieted when the hero has something important to say
  5. …predatory animals suffer from glaucoma and see in thermovision
  6. …any computer security system can be broken into with the password “override”
  7. …no one gets cramped or kneed in the face during sex
  8. …all monsters—even giant insects—make pig squealing sounds when shot
  9. …swipe card slots can be defeated with Bobby pins, as can most locks
  10. …pre-Roman barbarian women had tramp stamps and Brazilian waxings
  11. …no one notices that the only vampire in high school has white skin, fangs and pointed ears
  12. …blonde women are always ready for sex, never menstruate or need protection
  13. …revolvers have 37 bullets per cartridge
  14. …the first person to be affected by a toxic chemical will take weeks to change slowly. Subsequent victims will turn instantly
  15. …the chief of police is always an angry, middle-aged black man, ready to suspend his officers on the first offense without waiting for Internal Services to review the case
  16. …criminals need only be read two of the three Miranda rights
  17. …women cannot take showers without masturbating or being slashed to pieces
  18. …it only takes 15 seconds for a woman’s hair to be dry after swimming to safety
  19. …female psychiatrists and detectives will bang their male clients after the second meeting
  20. …every mess will be cleaned up the exact second your parents open the door
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48 Replies to “In the movies…”

  1. Hah! all too true dave, got a good laugh from those, thanks. 😈

    also…

    buses can jump 300 feet, smash 1,000 cars and still keep going.

    people in movies, outside, in the middle of nowhere, in pitch blackness, in the middle of a raging blizzard can drink coffee, let alone get one, without spilling a drop, plus it’s always hot.

    #17 is true

    :boobs:

  2. …after a night of wild sex with a man, women will coyly cover their breasts with the sheet when getting out of bed.

    … upon discovering mutilated body, horrified teenage blond will back up slowly towards darkened doorway.

    … elderly (usually black) partner on the point of retirement will get brutally murdered in first few scenes, requiring angry white protagonist to seek revenge for the next 80 minutes of film.

    … control rooms are always dark with flashing screens where someone could easily trip over or walk into something.

    … police roadblocks don’t work for shit and can be rammed through by anything larger than a Mini Cooper.

  3. No matter how many centuries a Shaolin temple spends mastering their KUNG FU TECHNIQUE, the 22 year-old white guy who gets sent to the temple will master their technique in one year and be better than his Master (or any Asian in the film)

    Wealthy Europeans will hire Ninjas to work in their Manilla training camps in the belief that hand to hand combat is still more effective than guns. Gladly, hundreds of identically-built men will sign up for the job of mercenary.

    Likewise, the US government will spend millions to create “the ultimate warrior”, a skinny white chick or medium build white dude who can outrun bullets.

  4. 1. “I’m gonna kill you!” is the only line murderers know.
    2. actors always take the darkest most evil looking path.
    3. no one ever turns back even after they find a dead body or if they do they run into the murderer.
    4. Moltov cocktails can burn a building down with one cocktail.
    5. There is always gravity in space, with the exception of a few movies.
    6. Computer errors never seem to invovle people. Just an evil computer that’s out to get you.

    Okay that’s if for now, if you want more please check out http://www.badmovies.org It is great site.

    Soft paws seems like an purrrfect idea to me.

  5. All villians are extremely bad shots and may fire multiple rounds without hitting anything but dirt and possibly the hero’s friend/wife/child so that he can seek revenge…
    Hot twenty-something chicks will always get it on with the hero, even if he is Clint Eastwood

  6. -no matter how many swigs the actor takes of their drink-its always full
    -through hail, sleet, rain, and a night of wild sex; the girl always wakes up with perfect hair and makeup
    -Nothing and No one can kill the hero in the first movie but they are easily assasinated within the first 5 min’s of the 2nd
    -Female assasins are always orphans who watched their parents die at the hands of the villain
    -All women wear thongs(:thong:) or g-strings and matching bras

  7. The comment box wasn’t reacting slowly Lung, it was reacting to the content of your comment. It assumed it was porn spam based on “a night of wild sex with a man, women will coyly cover their breasts”. I have to manually approve comments with links or questionable terminology. It’s a pain, but it keeps the Viagra ads out. 😐

    Thanks for catching that, Fran :kiss:

    Braenwen, it’s true not all women wear :thong:s, but they should. 😈

  8. I think all men should wear thongs.
    Some of them seem to wear their jeans down around their knees so it would be a perfect opportunity to show off the thong.

  9. all vehicles have squealing tires on all kinds of surfaces: oil, water, snow, ice, gravel, sand, mud, wood, swamp.
    a man on a bicycle can catch up to a motor vehicle, especially if he takes a short cut through a park.
    all telephones have audible dial tone, especially cell phones.
    women undressing in front of a window, always turn off the lights or pull the curtain before they pull off their underwear.

  10. Any damage/dysfunction involving a control room (or any other adjunct of technology) will cause the venting of all CO2 type fire extinguishers.

  11. …the villain doesn’t actually die until he’s been drowned, burned, shot repeatedly, and finally hit in the head with a 2×4 or frying pan.

  12. The bad guys have accents and bad teeth.

    22-year-olds can be doctors and physicists.

    All cops are bad drivers.

  13. All heroes throughout history had perfectly-straight bleached-white teeth, and manicured nails.

    All cops are happily married and don’t beat their wives.

    Babies are born within 5 minutes to women who don’t even break a sweat.

    No ever passes gas (thankfully).

    If a young woman shows her breasts or has sex, she is a goner within 10 minutes.

  14. One more thing…babies are born at 3 months of age, weighing 15 pounds and are clean and fast asleep.

  15. 1. Any car can catch any airplane before it takes off.
    2. Runways must be 3-5 miles long because it takes over a minute for a plane being chased by a car to get off the ground

  16. 😐 I have a few to add:
    1. Babies never cry after bitth.
    2. Sometimes, its the angry black guy that has to avenge the white guys death.
    3. All fairy-tale movies end happily.(With a few exceptions.)
    4. All animals used as pets by children will be brutally/slaim/cooked/ and or mutilated with the first half of the film. Generally resulting in trauma to the child/child’s parents(As they have a flashback to their own childhood.)
    That’s all I can think of at present. 🙂

  17. the first hour of a bomb’s timer lasts ten minutes. The last 10 seconds of a bomb’s timer also lasts ten minutes. :wtf:

  18. …Dogs and humans share the amazing trait of never having to use the bathroom.

    …No one runs out of gas during a 50 mile high speed chase.

  19. Actually, you don’t even need a bicycle to catch a moving car, you can just run to catch it…look at Mel Gibson in any of the Lethal Weapon movies…:roll:

  20. 1) It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
    2) When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
    3) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
    4) Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
    5) Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds, UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
    6) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    7) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode)
    8) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
    9) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
    10) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
    11) Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party).
    (On the other hand: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
    12) Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
    13) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
    14) On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on thedashboard .
    15) All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
    16) Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).
    17) If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
    18) If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
    19) Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away, you will always find another one.
    20) All single women have a cat.
    21) Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
    22) No matter how bad a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
    23) If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
    24) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think f looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
    25) You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
    26) Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.
    27) A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
    28) It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.
    29) One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it’s called Stallone’s Law).
    30) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
    31) Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
    32) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
    33) All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
    34) Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
    35) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
    36) You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
    37) Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
    38) In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
    39) All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).
    40) Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

  21. someone will always check where that “wierd noise” came from, open the door and get killed

  22. Esther, about that .22 caliber bullet hitting a motor vehicle: it will also cause it to flip over end over end.
    Of course, that used to happen with Ford Pintos and Mercury Bobcats in real life.

  23. “No one ever goes to the bathroom.”
    Comment by Tami Jo

    I agree with this unless it is a teen flick, in which case the bathroom scene lasts at least a full 5 minutes with lots of noise included for our “entertainment”.

    (Ever seen “Head Over Heels”? Poor Freddy Prince Jr. in the bathroom scene)

  24. 1. Jules is right about bomb timers, also, no matter how large the bomb’s explosion, the hero’s is never singed or violently thrown to the ground, causing injury.

    2. Only after a montage of physical training and the music of an 80’s band can our hero defeat his nemisis.

    😛

  25. I almost forgot, before the final conflict scene, the hero will cause the villian to monologue and reveal their entire plan before engaging in the “battle to the death”

    Just once, I want the villian to win.
    🙄

  26. sex acts last 2.4 hours, never involve someone falling out of bed, farting, saying “ow!”, stopping to get a glass of water or saying “done?” Noone ever has to clean up after a sex scene or says “no, YOU sleep on the wet spot!”

  27. Farting was allowed in Nutty Professor. Funniest part of the movie.
    All bimbos in scary movies have on high heels when running from the “boogie man” and will always fall down, stay down, waiting for the killer to pounce, slash, saw….etc.
    All cars that jump bridges, other cars, streets in San Fran, never, ever have a scratch on em and still run like they were brand new.
    Nurses tend to still wear all white dresses, those stupid hats, and stockings and garters with crotchless panties so they can hump their male patients back to health.

  28. I just finished watching the Italian job again and this thread came to mind.

    The mini minors fly out of the drain near the end of the movie, the white mini does a 360′ and opens the door to trip up the guy on the motorbike.

    The bike slams into the mini’s door, crashes and the mini drives off with no damage.

    hmmmmm

  29. 😐 To Patrick-Man, I know how you feel. That is why I am working so hard on my current fantasy book. I want the bad guy to win. I’m sick of all of these-“I’m bad-so natually, I go into a long, usually boring, monologue and then the hero kills me with a single shot.” things. 😉

    1. The Villain is never ugly. Has anyone else noticed this trait?
    2. They all creep around and never seem to have a plan beyone-let’s kill all the hero’s friends/loved ones/lover. Like that won’t tick him/her off and have them come after the villian.
    3. All villains weear really nice suits(usually black) to make sure you know they are badasses and not to be trifled with.
    4. Most of them have utterly immpeccable manners as well. 🙂
    5. The girl falls for the villian. They have sex. She never tells the hero that rescues her this. 😉
    GwynFaar

  30. There is farting in movies, but only movies from Disney & Pixar.
    All cars have an interior spotlight to light up the hero’s face while driving at night.

  31. Cars are not the only things with lighting. All astronauts have lights inside their helmets blasting up in their faces which, as anyone with a 1/4 of a brain knows, would make it almost impossible to see distance.

  32. No matter how big the fireball explosion, the hero will always walk out of it after five seconds, completely unsinged. The villain will also walk out of the explosion, but be almost unrecognizably burned. Despite the unbearable pain of third degree burns, he will continue his relentless attack rather than groan in pain or call 911.

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