What I Learned from Movies, XV: Cop-Out Answers

One thing I really hate? Unacceptable answers to cover a weak plot or to justify why a character can do a certain thing. The second and third Matrix movies are notorious for covering plot gaps with lines that at first listen sound like they could be deep—then you remember that these are movies with Keanu […]

Say Anything: 2012 Edition

What I Learned About Car Theft from Movies

All cars can be hotwired. The first time the wires contact, they will spark. The second contact will always start the car. You’ll never steal a car with bad brakes, poor suspension, etc. Stolen cars can jump cliffs, bridges and take impossible turns. Stolen cars never have safety glass. Shooting a criminal’s windshield will always […]

Things I Learned from Movies: Vampires

They never check a vampire for ID Likewise, no one asks child vampire why they aren’t in school The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) never seems to notice that vampires are about 2,000 years too old to drive. Oh wait, they OWN the DMVs. Vampires exist by hard and fast rules. Once you turn, that’s […]

Things I Learned from Sports Movies

Every sports movie will have an ‘80s sound track, no matter what decade it was produced in. The raspy singer will over-stretch his limited vocal range on the chorus causing the local bat population to go into estrus. The keyboards will feature default Casio sounds that are barely audible under the wailing guitar pyrotechnics. A […]

Things I Learned from Movies, Serial Killers

If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died. If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map. Teenage […]

What I Learned from Movies XIV: Military Movies

Holding up a fist will instantly stop an entire army dead in their tracks. Any time bullets are shot at you in slow motion, you can avoid them (in slow motion) by leaning way back until your spine is almost broken. Hover in this position for several seconds until the bullet-time effect has ended. Make […]

What I Learned About Caves from Movies

An explosion in a cave, no matter how small the blast, will result in the precise amount of falling rocks needed to just cover the solitary entrance. The rocks will always be small enough to be carried away by hand. Even when there are tens of thousands of bats, the guano will have no affect […]

What I Learned from Movies: Car Chases

All car in a chase will eventually run into an Italian fruit stand ominously parked in the middle of the road. This fruit stand is an omen of death and the proprietor is actually a minor demon; a minion of Lucifer set to test mankind’s will… and driving skills. Alternatively, two elderly identical men will […]

Things I Learned from Movies, Police Chiefs

All police chiefs are balding, pudgy, African-American mustachioed men, 50 years-old with hair-trigger tempers. Police Chiefs are magical creatures that can only be summoned into one of three sacred shrines: a detective’s office, behind the interrogation glass and the office water cooler. They have not homes, nor spouses nor lives outside of the force. Appease […]

Things I Learned from Movies, Ninjas

Modern Ninjas are generally six foot-tall white or Asian males, unmarried, who live on islands working as bodyguards for evil, French billionaires. Guard dogs cannot kill or overpower Ninjas, no matter how large or well-trained. Ninjas are not only silent — they’re mute from birth. They moonlight as mimes. Orphaned, white teenagers invariably become better […]

Failed Horror Movie Ideas

Pantsuits of the Damned Dawn of the Bagel The Hills Have Starbucks The Cabinet of Dr. Phil Invasion of the Body Shapers Whatever Happened to Milli Vanilli? Don’t Go Inside My Trousers I Know What You Did at band camp Friday the 14th What movies would you like to see? With assistance from Mark Simon

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