How to speak in Programmer

When they say:
“The SMTP mail server may be acting erratically today.”
They really mean:
“Turn me down for a date, will you? See if you get email anymore.”

When they say:
“Is that really a good user experience?”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“You haven’t provided the proper documentation.”
They really mean:
“I’ve ruined the project. I plan on blaming you. Somehow.”

When they say:
“That’s not a feasible timeframe.”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“I like your t-shirt.”
They really mean:
“ZOMG Boobies!”

When they say:
“We can’t have that finished. The server will need to be reset tonight.”
They really mean:
“It’s my D&D night, Elven whore!”

When they say:
“I see you’ve written to the CEO about the project taking too long.”
They really mean:
“And I’ve infected your machine with a Trojan Horse that will make you responsible for bringing down the company’s network. Hope your resume is up to date.”

When they say:
“I’d be happy to help.”
They really mean:
“I found a naked picture of you and will blackmail you later.”

When they say:
“Help you build your website? Depends. What kind of website is it?”
They really mean:
“Does it have boobies?”

When they say:
“I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.”
They really mean:
“I’ve never seen a naked lady in person.”

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23 Replies to “How to speak in Programmer”

  1. When they say:
    “I’m such a geek.”

    They really mean:
    “I’ve never seen a naked lady in person, but maybe you can change that”

    :geek:

  2. When they say
    “I really like you, Mandy”
    They mean
    “I just shot my wad talking to you, Excuse me” :dead:

  3. Don’t understand what you’re talking about you weenie, fix the fucking thing or be prepared to enter into a game called ” A World of Hurt” ………….

  4. Here’s an actual one I heard:
    When they say:
    “I need to rethink my telecommunications strategy”
    They really mean:
    “I need to change phones”

  5. WHEN THEY SAY:
    “I am just a computer geek.”
    THEY REALLY MEAN:
    “I make sooo much more money than you!”

  6. When they send out an e-mail that states:
    We have lost a Core router which connects Nagios to all network systems. Which means that the network isn’t down but Nagios thinks it is… thus it is sending out pages to all tech support and managers every 30 minutes…. and it”s going to take me 3 days to fix it because the part I need is in Puerto Rico.

    What they mean is:
    I’ll freaking teach you to put me on call 3 times in a row and call me every night at 3am.

    (YES I am the Network Guy!!!) 8)

  7. WHEN THEY SAY: ITS YOUR COMPUTER, HERE’S 20 THINGS TO DO TO FIX IT THEY REALLY MEAN : We don’t know what we are doing, try this, but its REALLY US, we just want to see you on Zoloft and Valium, bouncing off the walls.

  8. When they say: this is an issue for Eric the Tech and he will post the solution on a stickie
    They really mean: Eric the Tech needs a kick in his stickies ❓

  9. [Comment ID #79853 will be quoted here] I met Eric The Tech, and I am no longer welcome to beta test on that site, just for threatening to kick his stickies through his nostrils

  10. Pingback: Tom McMahon
  11. Speaking as a programmer of eight languages, you nailed them all except the last one:
    When they say:
    “I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.”
    They really mean:
    “My lobotomy went great! I will never have a single cogerent thought again!”

    as shown by the following two bits of conventional wisdom:
    Q: “How do you tell it’s an MSCE stranded by the road with a flat tire?” A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one’s flat.
    Q: “How do you tell it’s an MSCE stranded by the road with a dead battery?” A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one’s flat.

  12. When they say: Don’t blame me if it hangs up!
    They Mean: My boss shipped it before we finished. Then called his kid brother to write a manual.

    When they say: It passed QA
    They Mean: It wasn’t intended to work. Federal Acquisitions Rules required it to pass QA checks from a different application.

    When thy say: It will be finished in two weeks
    They mean: We can hope. The boss’s schedule shows two weeks of budget lefr.

    Moral: The ship don’t go where the captain don’t steer. Most computer problems trace to managers that ship bad or incomplete products, or fail to use developer resources as effectively as they use sticky notes.

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