What’s your best insult ever?

Last night we were sitting at a crowded bar when this trampy woman with a bottle or two of cheap perfume on, smashed into Lizz in an effort to order a drink. Everything in the area soon took on her stench. I told Lizz that the woman smelled like “a whore rolled in blue cheese” which made her spew her drink. I thought it was a pretty good insult.

What’s your best? Not one you’ve heard, but the best one you’ve ever made up yourself.

Show 63 Comments


  1. Bigwavdave

    I hear you voted for Bush…

  2. J

    I see you’ve shaved off your goatee(to a girl)

  3. “She was so damn fat I could see the pinks of her feet” ok this might be one of those you have to of been there moments but I made this up after a big ole lady was raising a hissy about her cold fries.

  4. “He couldn’t even keep it up with a flying buttress.” :limp:

  5. Jon

    Damn dude! You look like you have had as much dick as your old lady has!

  6. desertchild

    My boss: so, it turns out that one employee you used to work with needs a new partner, do you want to work with him again?
    Me: No offense, sir, but I’d rather die in a fire.
    Him: cool, I can make it go your way; I’ll just let him drive.

  7. hey, say hi to Mr Tumnus for me, you’re so deep in the closet, you’re in Narnia!

  8. J

    I love the words flying buttress-I saw it in an 8th grade shop book and started laughing my teacher raged.I know it’s off topic I just had to say that

  9. About a rather short aquaintence of ours:

    ‘He dresses like an oompah-loompah pimp.’

  10. πŸ˜€ Hey Pillsbury biscuit…. Why are you being so damn flakey??!!

  11. Memphisbandman

    He’s blissfully free of the ravages of a burdonsome intellect!

    Really effective when you say it fast, then move on to something else.

    All I usually see is :wtf:

  12. 😈 Umm…. should I get the popsicle sticks and duct tape, or are you gonna get it up any time soon?
    As said to my ex-husband! :limp: :puke: :limp:

  13. Spud

    “You always been this ugly or do you work hard at it” drunk me to an 18 stone biker chick who promptly beat me to a pulp at a back yard bbq.

  14. beyonduplication

    that chick’s uglier than a dog’s ass sewed up with a log-chain

    (i know the grammar is incorrect, but it sounds funnier that way!)

  15. [Comment ID #258856 will appear here]

    Flying buttress – just one of the things I remember from art history class. πŸ˜›

  16. donnhw
    • She’s got all the personality of a dial-tone. πŸ˜›
    • That baby is so ugly, it scared me sterile. :limp:
    • He’s got a face like a slapped-ass. 😳
  17. family jules

    I think the single best insult I ever got in was in response to an insult indiscriminately thrown at me. I was dressing a mannequin in a store window when a pair of very drunk males walking down the sidewalk stopped and tapped on the glass. One of the two signaled for me to come over, and when I did, he shouted, “You’re ugly!”

    I immediately responded, “Yes, and even I wouldn’t fuck you,” and went back to my mannequin. His friend burst out laughing at him, and actually sunk to his knees on the sidewalk. And for a few moments of my life, I enjoyed the presence of a completely inebriated loudmouthed asshole who was rendered speechless.

    Ah, sarcasm. I love it.

  18. Yankeerose32

    “I hope when you go home your momma runs out from under the porch and bites you!!” Best if you can keep a straight face when you say it. Great for a laugh. 😈 πŸ˜€

  19. patrick

    I set her up like a bowling pin but it was classic. Before class I told my friend to ask a real snotty girl to ask me how my mother’s dance lessons were going. When she did, I responded, “My mother has polio, she can’t even walk”. None of which was true but the slam was priceless!

  20. Drusky

    I had a college roommate who told a girl she was “Frog Ugly”. That means you’d jump over anything to get away and IF she managed to get you in her hands, you’d pee all over her…

  21. chainstay

    You’re sunch a eunuch you couldn’t put a carrot in a washtub!

  22. chainstay

    oops such

  23. junkman

    i said to my live in girlfriend, after discovering she was cheating with my friend all weekend instead of home with her family like she said she would be, “did you suck his cock and pretend you were good at it like you do here? and….did he notice the taste of my dick on you or did he think it was someone elses?” well….i was mad. she walked in with a bag of groceries on sunday afternoon like nothing had happened. i was in the kitchen packing all her dishes everything else had been boxed and was ready to go. :puke:

  24. Jazzgod

    [Comment ID #258727 will appear here]

    I call a girl in our office a slinky; not very useful but still makes you smile if you push it down some stairs. 😈

  25. Jazzgod

    I call a girl in our office a slinky; not very useful but still makes you smile if you push it down some stairs.


  26. Hey Junkman… maybe she’s Dave’s Blue Cheese Whore now! πŸ˜›

    Memo #1 to Dave: Rolled in Roquefort is funnier. πŸ˜› (And how would you know anyway?)

    Memo #2 to Dave: WHAT MESSAGE?????!!!!!????? πŸ‘Ώ πŸ˜€

  27. My gf & I were driving home from work and were planning on heading out right away to meet friends for supper to celebrate a birthday. Here’s the conversation on the way home ….

    Me: So when we get home, I’ll feed the cat, you’ll grab the present and we’ll head out to the restaurant.

    Her: Before we can go, I’ll have to change.

    Me: (pause … look at her) Honey, I’ve been waiting to hear you say that for 5 years.

    Had she not been in the proper frame of mind at the time, I could have been single from that point forward. Hospitalized and single.

  28. I went out for lunch with 3 work colleagues and on the way back to the office, we went through a drive-thru for coffee. I was in the back seat behind the woman that was driving and after she had placed our orders, I passed her $2 for my coffee. It’s important to note hear that this happened in the dead of winter – and Canadian winters get get a might chilly. When I passed her the $2, she said “just a sec, I’ve got your change right here” and dug out 3 quarters from the change holder in the dash. She passed the quarters back to me and they were cold. I said “where did you have these, in your back pocket?”

    I not only got a laugh, but I got to buy her coffee the next time we went out for lunch as payment for my sin.

  29. Russ

    Talking about gays in the military in a class…
    Instructor: I don’t know about you guys but my asshole is one-way only.
    Me: How do you shit then?

  30. Toni

    I am sure you are really nice but you remind me of my dad :wtf:

  31. your fugly [fucking ugly]hahahaha

    ha πŸ˜† :boobs: :boobs: :limp: :limp: :wang: :wang: :thong: :undies:

  32. Drusky

    Looks like Jack has been hitting the Red Bull just a little too much… and the english a little too little. 😈

  33. Drusky

    [Comment ID #259469 will appear here]

    Hopefully not ‘chunky’ bleu cheese… :puke:

  34. madamadams

    if i wanted to hear an asshole talk, i’ll fart

  35. janeeto63

    I was handing out presents to my bosses, and held back on giving one (he’s a jerk). He said, “What am I, chopped liver?” I said, “No, you’re like veal. Everyonethinks they know about you, they really don’t, so they just avoid you.”

  36. Lake Effect

    [Comment ID #259700 will appear here]
    [Comment ID #258774 will appear here] x5

    Little Jack screwed up the damn spelling six times!

    I can’t think of an insult insulting enough for people who misspell their/there/they’re.

  37. Lake Effect

    I screwed up…I meant your/you’re.

    OK, insult me…I deserve it. πŸ˜•

  38. janeeto63

    [Comment ID #259753 will appear here] There are so many uneducated people who still haven’t figured out your/you’re, its/it’s, and there/their/they’re. LE: I don’t think you’re uneducated. Your brain thinks faster than your fingers can type. And as long as your fingers can, ahem, work their magic on your partner at the proper speed, and she is happy, then, it’s all good.


  39. Yankeerose32

    [Comment ID #259757 will appear here]
    Amem to that! I like a man with “magic hands”!!!

  40. Zilla the Younger

    Do these pants make me look fat? No your fat makes you look fat

  41. tom

    to a friend who thought he was gods gift to women:”you’re a figment of your own imagination!”

  42. tom

    everytime you spread your legs the heater comes on…

    everytime she spreads her legs the refridgerator light comes on……..

  43. Not sure what to add here, other than I have been known to bitch about the cleaning lady leaving the floors smelling like the perfumed ass of a rank two dollar french whore. (Usually whore is pronounced, “hoo-wah.”

    1. As two really SATC chicks passed me in an intersection walking my adorable pug, one turns to the other and says “god those dogs are so ugly, they’re cute.” I responded “and so are you.” Her friend started cracking up.

    2. There was this whole brouhaha over a taxi while I was waiting for my husband to get my wheelchair out of the trunk and some very drunk people were trying to get into the taxi — this was on St. Paddy’s day. Things got kinda out of hand and I found myself yelling “go get gang raped you dumb cunt.” Not my proudest moment, but now every time hubby and I are going to the restaurant we were headed to that night, we crack up. And of course on St. Paddy’s day.

    That was possibly the first time I thought maybe I’ve been living in NYC too long. Then I came to my senses.

  44. John R.

    Me to a coworker: “So did they have any mens clothes at the place you bought that sweater?”

  45. summer_raine25

    an ex boyfriend of mine had a toothpick in his mouth when he muttered some stupid comment i cant remember. so i spat at his mouth and he gags on the toothpick! he says to me you just jabbed me in the back of my throat! i said to him well now you know how i feel!

  46. jen

    for those of you who are not well-endowed i hope i dont run into you because i will probably hurt your feelings with this: what is that an extra or herniated belly button?

  47. cock-punch

    These comments make me feel like I’m the only person who’s not an illiterate dick who reads this website. Wow. What a bunch of losers. Dave, have you lost it?

    Does any poster understand the “your” VS “you’re”? How about “it’s” VS “its”? I’m ashamed of your readers…but I’m beatin’ a dead horse.

    What is the most shameful is the complete lack of cleverness and humor in these posts.

    “if i wanted to hear an asshole talk, iÒ€ℒll fart” Wow. I think I told that to my mom. In 2nd grade. In 1977. Fresh!

    “Are you naturally that stupid or do you have to study?” Same as above.


    “Fuck it.” Yes, a tired phrase, but it applies.

  48. Dragonhose

    You are so ugly, your mama breast fed you with a funnel :boobs:

  49. Dragonhose

    You are so ugly, your mama put you in a corner and fed you with a sling shot. πŸ˜›

  50. Dragonhose

    If my dog was as ugly as you, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards. :puke:

  51. Dragonhose

    Nobody has ever liked you. Your mama had to tie a porkchop around your neck to get the dog to play with you. ❗

  52. Dragonhose

    [Comment ID #261595 will appear here]
    When I grow up, I hope I’m half as smart as you think you are.

  53. TimM

    We’re being judged by someone who calls himself cock-punch?

    • and “cock-punch” should be capitalized since it’s a name.
  54. Dragohose

    More like Cock-Munch :wang:

  55. To Zillaland regulars there is a certain ease and calm. We’re chillin’ here homey. Just shootin the breeze, drinkin’ some beers (or iced tea for those in AA) and peepin’ the chicas (nudy/almost nudy pics). In other words, we feel no pressure, need or desire to impress anyone with exaggerated stories nor to demand such of our peers. We simply find it amusing to reminisce in our own (and our friends’) actions, imaginations and…what can I say, Life, despite its seeming drollness to outsiders. Excitement, laughter, and 😈 :wang: mmm :kiss: …lust filled hours come to us without strained effort and that, my dear, makes Davezilla much more valuable than you’d imagine. Besides, Dave’s good to us and gives us what we like πŸ˜› 😈 .
    With that having been said, please dismiss yourself from our presence and join the circus freaks you seek to do balancing acts and juggling tricks so you can have a quick chortle or acclimate to the set environment. We enjoy having our way with the newbies. We are Not here solely to amuse that negligible mass of mush between your ears or to tickle Your funny bone. Play nice and be naughty,…mischevious even (we like that) but please do not attempt to offend Dave or those of us that have no need for you or your negativity. Thank you.

    A girl (ex gf of a Fuck Buddy) was trying to point out what she hated in people (me). She went on for a good five minutes without a break. When she finally finished all I said, “You know, we are a lot alike… shudder ew.” and walked away muttering, “I need a shower.” and calling back “I’ll see you later hon.” to said FB.

    Campus grounds, while conversing with a group of friends, same ex gf expressing her displeasure of my being around, in a very animated manner. Yelling and telling me even what I’m gonna die from, then stops waiting for my response. I give her a puzzled look and finally turned to my friends and very calmly half whining, half laughing said, “Why is she talking to me? She’s not worth my energy. Make her stop, please.” chucke “Anyway…” conversation continued like nothing. The power, and self-control I exhibited were beyond awesome!

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