Rules to live by

Actual rules of thumb from around the country (and a few of my own). YMMV.

  1. The year that you begin getting chest hair is the same year the hair on your head will begin to recede faster than the growth rate. (Same rule applies to men.) — MARK RYAN, Dallas, TX
  2. Never buy a car with greater horsepower than your IQ. — SCOTT PARKER, Beaumont, TX
  3. The better the band, the worse the football team. — TOM LUCAS, Berkeley, CA
  4. If you can’t find it on a website in under five minutes, Google it or go somewhere else. — DAVEZILLA
  5. If you’re talking to an American whose legs are crossed and their foot is wiggling or shaking back and forth, they either disagree with you, or have something to add to the conversation. — UNKNOWN
  6. The number of seconds you spend making eye contact with a homeless person is the number of minutes he will spend trying to convince you to give him a dollar. — DAVEZILLA
  7. If one shoelace is loose, you’ll need to retie both. — JAMES McCONKEY, Trumansburg, NY
  8. If you find Pauly Shore tolerable, there’s no hope for you. — DAVEZILLA
  9. Grades decrease as the distance from the blackboard increases. — R.L. LIMING, Indianapolis, IN
  10. If the catfish in your aquarium are swimming in loops from gravel to surface, it will rain in 12 hours. If they are floating motionless on the surface, it’s time for new fish. — DAVEZILLA
  11. Watch how a first date treats the waiter, bartender, etc. That’s how she will treat you in three months. — JEFF BROWN, Bloomington, IN
  12. If a radio station is playing Stairway to Heaven, the DJ is in the bathroom. — ARCHER, Q-105 FM, Portland, OR
  13. Highly intelligent women seem more masculine than average. Highly intelligent men seem more feminine than average. — JEFFREY K. WOODHEAD, Davis, CA
  14. If you don’t know what you want, it’s probably caffeine. — DAVEZILLA
  15. The best Chinese restaurants do not offer take-out. — LING LING, Binghamton, NY
  16. In a political race where none of the candidates are well-known, the name listed first has a major advantage (they are typically listed alphabetically). — PIERCE BUTLER, Natchez, MS
  17. The heavier the capuccino is when lifted, the worse it will taste. — DAVEZILLA
  18. The worse a country’s national dishes are, the less likely it will be invaded. — THOMAS W. NEUMANN
  19. Fresh eggs sink. Rotten eggs float. — DAVID HECHLER, Rockport, TX
  20. The less a person has to do, the more likely they will read all of these entries. — DAVEZILLA
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  1. Esther

    So it looks like Frank Zappa’s retarded second cousins have been let out of the basement for a bit.

  2. If your dog’s been left alone in the house for 8 hours and you take it out to pee and it doesn’t, then you should look for a wet spot somewhere in your house. :wtf:
    -courtesy of my dog, Hope

  3. Gangsta Knitter was entertaining…but then my drugs have just kicked in.:???:

  4. Never play leap frog with a unicorn. — CONFUCIUS

  5. “The wish to become a politician should forever bar one from becoming one.” ~ Billy Connoly.

  6. Mike

    “If it has tits or tires, it’s going to cause you trouble”

  7. Surprise, surprise, surprise!

    Things is always in the last place you look!

  8. ReV.JeLLyBaBy

    ReV’s Rules to live by:

    1/ Never put your self down (There’s plenty of others to do that for you)

    2/ Never trust an Ewok with your library card.

    3/ Never eat yellow snow cones.

    4/ Every cloud has a silver lining therefore, every silver lining MUST have a cloud.

    5/ A man who thinks he can never win, has already lost.

    6/ Walk quietly and carry a big stick.

    7/ Don’t hit things bigger than you or with more teeth.

    8/ Don’t expect too much from life, as then you will never be disappointed.

    I hope you all utilize my advice to become better people.

    Good Day Citizens.

  9. 1. Don’t pick up an angry cat naked. (Personal experience for that one…never mind how.)

    2. Never play poker for money with someone whose nickname is a city.

    3. I’d like this one to be emblazoned in public places:

    Never leave your child anywhere you wouldn’t leave your wallet.

    (Unattended in the front seat of your car, in your shopping cart while you’re in the next aisle, in your house with the door unlocked, in the care of a person whose references you haven’t checked…)

  10. Cheap Date

    If you’re running late for work, rest assured you’re going to get stuck behind the slowest bastard with non-working turn signals! 😡

  11. You have no idea how much fun I have reading your site. And today, aside from the usual fun that I have reading it – I saw you post something by someone from trumansburg, new york. I’m sure this means little to anyone else, but to me – who spent much of my youth at the Rongovian Embassy there…it gave me an added little thrill and put a smile on my face. Thanks for the funnies each day.

  12. Lace Valentine

    “There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain of its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things.” –Machiavelli, from his tombstone

    “The reasonable man adapts himself to the circumstances that surround him…The unreasonable man adapts the surrounding circumstances to himself…All progress depends on the unreasonable man.” –George Bernard Shaw

    “After the final no, there comes a “yes.” And on that “yes,” the future of the world depends.” –Wallace Stevens

    “The Great Spirit doesn’t smile on those who dampen others and take the stars out of happy eyes.” –White Eagle

    “To risk is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To expose feelings is to risk exposing our true self. To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To try at all is to risk failure. But to risk we must. Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.” –Emerson

  13. Lace, you always have the best quotes. 🙂

  14. paddlepoplion

    sorry, but have to disagree with number 20 dave, i have a huge assignment due on wednesday, and this is by far the best method of procrastination.

  15. What goes around, comes around . . . and to paraphrase several others here, carpe diem!

  16. A blind possum trapped in your backyard during the day is worth a litter of possum babies in your basement. -WANTWIT

  17. Lace Valentine

    Shucks, April, you sweet thing you… 😆

  18. Frisko

    I have tits, and I have tires. Does that mean I stir fear in the minds of men?


  19. Spud

    I agree with number #20 😕

  20. Anna

    Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly.

Comments are closed