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My Asshole Cats
- …Refuse to chase their toys until I’m in 4th stage REM sleep.
- …Only get nauseous when the floor is clean. And only on the hardwood.
- …Are responsible for 99% of all poltergeist activity in the lower 48 states.
- …Inform me their claws need trimming when they are sitting on my crotch.
- …Allow my baby to pull their hair, slap them and bite their heads. If I so much as pet them too close to their tails, I lose a vital organ.
- …Love our cranky old Pug, but are plotting the slow, painful death of our gentle Italian Greyhound.
- …Want to decimate every wild bird outside, but have no interest killing indoor spiders.
- …Can pick locks with the skill of a hardened ex-con.
- …Shit next to their litter box.
Before he started mellowing out, Fluffy would play “Knock shit off high places at 3am.” all the time. Now middle aged with a paunch, he is just interested in when his next meal will be given.
#2 “And only on the hardwood.” Count your blessings dude – here it’s always “NOT ON THE CARPET! NOT ON THE CARPET!” Or the couch, or other fabric non-washable surface….
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