My Asshole Cats

asshole cats

My Asshole Cats

  1. …Refuse to chase their toys until I’m in 4th stage REM sleep.
  2. …Only get nauseous when the floor is clean. And only on the hardwood.
  3. …Are responsible for 99% of all poltergeist activity in the lower 48 states.
  4. …Inform me their claws need trimming when they are sitting on my crotch.
  5. …Allow my baby to pull their hair, slap them and bite their heads. If I so much as pet them too close to their tails, I lose a vital organ.
  6. …Love our cranky old Pug, but are plotting the slow, painful death of our gentle Italian Greyhound.
  7. …Want to decimate every wild bird outside, but have no interest killing indoor spiders.
  8. …Can pick locks with the skill of a hardened ex-con.
  9. …Shit next to their litter box.


  1. Before he started mellowing out, Fluffy would play “Knock shit off high places at 3am.” all the time. Now middle aged with a paunch, he is just interested in when his next meal will be given.

  2. dstroy

    #2 “And only on the hardwood.” Count your blessings dude – here it’s always “NOT ON THE CARPET! NOT ON THE CARPET!” Or the couch, or other fabric non-washable surface….

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