If I am elected President…

  1. There will not only be yards of beer, there will be yards of coffee.
  2. Daylight Saving Time will happen every season. I haven’t worked out the math yet, but we will gain an hour’s sleep every season.
  3. Let us learn from our southern neighbors in Mexico. Mandatory siestas at work.
  4. People who make quote marks with their fingers in the air while talking will be sent to a federal penitantiary.
  5. Donald Trump will be fired.
  6. Carrot Top will die for our sins.
  7. Hummer owners will be forced to drive AMC Pacers.
  8. Eating carbs would once again be something we are proud to do.
  9. Using the ghetto term, conversatin’ will be grounds for 200 hours of community service.
  10. I won’t tax the rich higher. I won’t tax the poor or middle class either. I will tax people with no sense of humor.

If elected, what would your new laws be?

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33 Replies to “If I am elected President…”

  1. 1. Polyester people [the people that wear it] will be burned at the stake.
    2. Dr. Phil will be made minister of Fat (how is that working for you?)
    3. Mandatory euthenasia will be made available to OJ, The Hilton sisters and people wearing sandals with socks.

  2. WHEN I’m elected president, the following WILL apply:

    1/ No person in excess of 200 pounds is to be served at MacDonalds.

    2/ All religions are to be abolished

    3/ Friday will be Hat day.

    4/ Every town will have a super hero.

    5/ Wil Wheaton will be exiled to the island of typing monkeys. (population 50,001) This should raise the average IQ of both places.

    6/ People that crinkle up tissues and make piles of them next to the bed when they are ill, for their half asleep (but attractive) boyfriend to tread on and get stuck to his foot ONLY then to get chased around the hall by his cats in the dark because they think he is playing a tissue foot kinda game, are to be dragged into the street and shot.

    7/ Prisons will all be fitted with treadmills that generate free electricity for the towns nearby. All criminals will do a 12 hour shift per day.

    Obviously these are just some of the basics…..topless day and wet t-shirt day still need some tweaking, but rest assured my fellow humans, I shall be researching both in some erm..depth.

    😕

  3. P.S People that make excessive crunching noises when eating will be placed on a compulsory non- acoustic diet.

    😡

  4. P.P.S

    All disputes with my policies will be settled one on one, like true warriors, in the arena of death and I say unto those that would try to usurp my authority:

    “Bring only the passion of your conviction and the strength of your morals into the arena!!”

    Oh me….erm..I’ll just bring a gun..I have no morals and I’ve never been convicted. 😈

  5. – Dubyah would be subject to enter a dunk tank in a traveling carnival where the public could take turns telling him why he SUCKED before dunking his ass.

    – You would not be granted a passport out of the United States until you’ve successfully passed the exam of “Proper Etiquette” for the country you apply to visit.

    – Cell phones would not be operable in any moving vehicle or public building.

    – Friday would be officially become part of the weekend.

    – The use of Comic Sans would be a federal offense and legitimate grounds for the death penalty.

  6. @Nikki: Please explain the “Proper Etiquette” that is neccesary to enter the US?
    Will this mean I have to wear sneakers into restaurants, attack some/any moslim country because Osam bin Laden attacked me, have to weigh toooo much, have no fashion sense and think Deuce Bigalow is funny?
    I will do all that just to visit!!! 😉

  7. No, you got it backwards, Anna. She means out of the US. So no talking on the cellphone in the bank with a mouthful of doublecheeseburger, no letting your pager go off in church. Shit like that.

  8. – You would not be granted a passport out of the United States until you’ve successfully passed the exam of “Proper Etiquette” for the country you apply to visit.

    I wholeheartedly (I haven’t had that operation yet) agree!

    Y’know, years ago my brother offered me a trip to Spain. I told the assistant manager at my job that I was going. She asks, “What language do they speak in Spain?”

    I’ve since moved to Detroit, but the first time I came back to that town for a visit, I found that they had gone out of business.

  9. If I were elected president any citizen that uses Ebonics, or South Speak would be required to go to speech therapy school until they can be clearly understood. Panty hose (not stockings) would become extinct. Paris Hilton would be forced to eat fast food for 40 days. Ms. President would personally escort her on a real life tour, allowing her to live in a magnificent trailer park, and drive a 17 year old car, and dine on the occasional Hamburger Helper meal (supplementing her fast food diet).
    I would adopt most of the laws posted today, and presidential cabana boys would be appointed.
    Don’t get me started on tube tops, spandex, and speedos.

    It’s rough living in a 250 home neighborhood when your’re the only registered voter.

    Fortune 500 companys are forbidden from bidding on government contracts.

    It would be against the law for an individuals pet to poop in a yard other than their own.

    I will stop now

    Frisko

  10. Sadly, I live very close to todays ugly link.
    Even sadder, it used to be a 5 star place to dine on the water.

  11. All people of the female gender would be granted an unlimited supply of Godiva chocolate for a period of 7 days every month.

  12. El Presidente de Spud
    Proclomations #101

    1. Free Beer
    2. No Taxes
    3. Free Medical

    More to follow if re-elected. :java:

  13. If I were elected president…

    1) There would be a series of common sense classes in school, with standardized testing. For example, you can’t graduate high school if you refuse to walk the extra 8 feet to the crosswalk instead of dodging between cars.

    2) The fashion industry would be abolished as a blight on humanity. Any who pulls a stranger aside and comments on how horrible their clothes are will be beaten with Gloria Steinem books.

    3) CEOs will only be allowed to earn 20 times as much as the lowest paid person in the company. If he wants to make 10 million a year, then his janitor gets a raise to 500K.

    4) Fundamentalists (of any religion) who are so threatened by “Satanic influences” in the outside world that they try to ban everything will be sequestered in their own state, where they can live a free, godly life and leave the rest of us alone.

  14. In the interests of the good people of America, my first act as President will be to ban elections forever.

    👿

  15. If I were elected Prime Minister (or Queen, although that isn’t such a democratic process, is it) :

    Anyone caught chewing gum loudly with their mouth open would be locked in an isolation chamber, preferably one with a very loud echo.

    Anyone clipping their nails or performing other acts of personal hygiene in a public space would be fined, forced to clean up all nail clippings, and required to attend a remedial course in basic hygiene.

    Anyone spitting in public without a damn good reason would be required to lick it off the ground.

    Not only would pantyhose be banned, the word pantyhose would be banned.

    Free coffee and chocolate for everyone on Canada Day! :java:

  16. Stalking should also be encouraged…
    Thought that said spanking and got hot and bothered. 😳

  17. will tights be banned? i love tights…

    and i’m all for banning people with no sense of humor to the town i live in. then there would be a housing demand, i could sell my house, and live somewhere with humorful people.

    of course, were i madam president, i’d be living in the white house anyways. i’d decorate that sucker in early punk.

  18. I think that’s a pretty sweet deal for hummer owners… maybe that should be ammended to say that they would be forced to drive a Geo Metro…

    Hmm… my law contribution?

    There will be a federally mandated curfew of 8pm for children under the age of 8. No child deserves to be fussy in public because their parents keep them up too late…If parents can’t get a babysitter…tough shit, it’s called parenthood.

    I’ve seen 2 and three year olds kept up and out in public at 1 in the morning with their dumbfounded parents who were exclaiming that they have no idea why their child is acting the way he/she is…unnacceptable.

    Oh, and another thing… I think a basic IQ and basic competency tests should be given to potential parents. If you don’t have an IQ of at least 100, you shouldn’t be allowed procreate… it’s not fair to the children or the country.

    poor parenting is the real threat to our species…:evil:

  19. Hummer owners should be forced to walk everywhere, or take public transit. People laugh and point at Hummer drivers already – they’d get the same reaction is they were driving that ugly-ass pear-shaped pod car.

  20. If I were elected President my FIRST order of business would be to TORTURE and KILL the creator of that PISS AWFUL OVEN MITT!! 👿

    Next, it would be LEGAL to beat the crap out of or shoot TRULY STUPID people!

    Crappy drivers would have their license REVOKED, their car SMASHED and be either spayed or neutered so to not spread the crappy driver gene!

    Hummer owner would have to wear bright orange t-shirts that read, “I WAS DUMM AND BOUGHT A HUMM!”

    People that believe it cool to speak like a moron and say thing like AKS (ask) and mouf (mouth) can be shot!

    People that abbreviate can also be shot!

  21. What is a deer widow – someone whose husband got mistaken for a deer and shot, or the widoe (sorry) of real deer?

  22. 1) A free, one-hour massage every week.

    2) Put Moxie’s plan into action.

    3) Hire Spud as Secretary of Beer Defense

    4) Kick all of Davezilla’s mongoloid neighbors out, renovate (to include a jacuzzi in every suite), and give the building to Dave and Natalie.

  23. I sense a movement in the force, all this talk of stockings, spankings, people getting hot and bothered all points to one conclusion.

    After I am elected, I will issue an order for free sex to all my constituents.

    Oh, and free sheer stockings with frilly garters for all the womans.

  24. Spud, if you’re going to be my Secretary of Beer Defense, you’ve got to do better than that.:kiss:

  25. Dead animals can no longer be placed on walls.

    All people must be tested for level of stupidity on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worsts). All people with a score of eight or more will lose the ability to mate.

    Advertisements will no longer be on the radio, tv, or any other like devices.

    People will no longer be allowed to fit themselves into clothes that are more than two sizes too small.

    There will no longer be any week, only ends.

Comments are closed.