If God had office supplies

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66 thoughts on “If God used office supplies…

  1. If God used office supplies…he wouldn’t have left a paperclip on your doormat(or maybe IT WAS an act of God…telling your neighbor to do it…and an act of someone else to leave her thong :evil:)…

  2. Note to self:
    Find out what “it” is.

    How on My green earth am I supposed to know what to damn if people don’t specify these things?

  3. This was left on my voice mail: “This is God. There is no problem today I can’t handle. Let’s talk. I love you.
    If you have a self esteem problem go help somebody else. That wil take care of it.
    I love you enough to give you choices between right and wrong. There is no mistake you’ll make today bigger than what has already been done. I love you enough to send my only begotten son to die for your mistakes.

    I have created a day for you. I’ll make the most of it and so should you.

    With love,


  4. “Sorry kids. I was kidding. The muslims were right about the virgins. But, I forgot to mention that they are all the same gender as you and drool a lot.

    P.S. the Scientologists will be turned into figs after Armageddon.”

    :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:

  5. Note to self: Next time, make my followers not take themselves so seriously! I have a sense of humor, why can’t they?……

  6. Some comments on each one of those:

    – I kind of figured the tapir was some sort of last minute rush job. You know, just to create something new for scientists to play with.
    – I think Lucifer introduced alcohol to the Scots. That way, if they ever did see his escaped dinosaur, no one would believe them.
    – If God damned a pen, would Satan get it?
    – Everything scares the Pharisees.
    – Yeah, you know the plagues, water into blood, locusts, boils… tax collectors.

  7. From: GOD
    To: Cleaning crew
    Re: Pile of Dogshit in my office.

    Don’t worry about cleaning it up, I think (therefore I am) I’ve come up with a solution. I can shape it into human form and call it “Republican”. Of course it won’t have a soul or a brain, but it probably won’t need either.

  8. To do list:

    1. Strike republicans, democrats, and televangelists with large mouth herpes.
    2. Ice Age 2? Got to see that movie.
    3. Boom at the creative creation dept. NO MORE platapus or dodo birds.
    4. Humans or vegetables? Which are smarter? Discussion at 10am.
    5. Ask the Virgin Mary to make an appearance in a jar of mayonaise.
    6. Make wind storm. Ask Moses to pull my finger.
    7. Take vacation. The Crab Nebula looks nice next week.

    I am a Reiki master. Please pay me 10,000 dollars and I will teach you how to lie to people and make more money. Money is not refundable. :wtf:

  9. Thanks for the laughs. World could use some more lightening up around God. I’m particularly fond of that tax collector plague. Very old school nasty.

  10. To everyone- love each other. Dont judge others- only I can do that. Be nice to old people.You never know when they may beyour guardian angel. Sorry about Dubya. I let someone else make him. dont covet celebrities-they are all false idols(some more than others.)Lets all meet on Sunday. No matter where you are, I am there. Love, Your Father

  11. I’m stealing this and putting it up for my Sunday thoughts on my blog (with links back here of course). This is amazing.

    Oh, and you are going to hell for this (please hold my spot next to the flaming pile of dog feces).

    –C8j 😈

  12. Memos from the “Big Guy” No better way to start a Friday.

    “Today is: National Clams On The Half Shell Day ” say that is not bearded clams is it?

  13. Call me weird, stupid, or anything you like, but to me that is mocking God. The bible says we will be held accounable for every idle word we speak.

  14. [Comment ID #39241 will be quoted here]

    Thanks for playing! We have some lovely parting gifts for you. Next contestant, please…

    BTW, I wasn’t idle when I made this. I was also eating vegetarian chili, IMing Nikki, watching Blade II and finishing wireframes.

  15. Look out kiddies we are gonna burn in freakin’ hell!

    Get a life …..if “God” can’t take a joke then why did “he” invent laughter??

    ….tho I don’t believe he did 😛

  16. Yes, I know God has a sense of humor……..after all, look at some of us. I bet He’s up there laughing at some of us right now.

    And do you know what He said after He created Adam?…………..I can do better than that.

  17. [Comment ID #39245 will be quoted here]

    Mr Zilla ,vegetarian chilly is great I put deer meat in mine yum.

  18. “God here, don’t forget that i will be returning from the dead here shortly, straighten up, bitches!”

  19. Note to World Population:
    Come on people, why can’t you get the message. If I wanted you to convert to the metric system I would have given Jesus 10 disciples.

  20. MItch your absolute hatred for republicians…..nothing to say except I LOVE YOU!! post-it notes from God too funny! 😆

  21. Of course god has a sense of humor, how else to you explain the ratio of torndos that hit trailer parks?

    I think it was Sam Kinnision who said somethink like, look when I die, at least I know I can go before St. Peter and say, it was all a joke! But how the hell is Jim Baker going to explain watter slides for Jesus?

  22. [Comment ID #39249 will be quoted here]

    Only reason we ended being a rough draft is because God thought He screwed when noticed that we had 3 legs instead of 2…which was per the original plan…He did make us equal though…

    Except that when I talk to my ex there always seems to be a Biblical reference in it…she is always a pain in my side…somewhere in the rib cage… 😈

  23. [Comment ID #39287 will be quoted here]

    Thank you…always fighting the good fight. Peace.

  24. Satan,
    For the love of me, stop giving to humans bad fashion trends! Didn’t we have a talk in the 80s about this? Please get rid of these Ugg and fur boots! Not cool. The human’s only purpose for living is to enterain me but those things are distractingly horrid, I hate having to see them! Handle it.
    -The Big Guy
    P.S. Leaving the thong and paperclip on that guys porch was hilarious! Big props man.

  25. Hey meagan have you explored the similarities between paganism and Christianity? Welcome to the obvious they are the same. God is God.

  26. [Comment ID #39380 will be quoted here]

    Well of course, where did you think I got started? And, of course, I was joking.


  27. Ahh it’s nice when the people one speaks with are informed…if only it happened in real life. 🙂

  28. [Comment ID #39412 will be quoted here]



    Stop This Ridiculous Exaggeration, Suck Something

    There, you happy…give me another one…

  29. This was left on my voice mail: “This is God. There is no problem today I can’t handle. Let’s talk. I love you.
    If you have a self esteem problem go help somebody else. That wil take care of it.
    I love you enough to give you choices between right and wrong. There is no mistake you’ll make today bigger than what has already been done. I love you enough to send my only begotten son to die for your mistakes.

    I have created a day for you. I’ll make the most of it and so should you.

    With love,

    God. ……….WAS POSTED BY ALEX…….^5’S ALEX!


  30. …Wow, I didn’t know that I already said something, even the SAME thing, twice in a flippin’ row. Sorry about that. I got lost in reading everyone’s posts. I’m laughing. Ha. See? K. Sorry for tripple posting. 😀

  31. GOD: :limp: normal satan :wang: horny satan .. YES that is actual size. get ur shit together man! im sure there are some virgin teenagers out there u can fuck!

    ~ from the big Man

    P.S. did u throw some fireballs up in heaven again?? it’s burning hot up here. please stop with the fireballs LOVE YA satan peace 😈 😈

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