God is your co-writer

Christianity is a beautiful religion with a big problem. Marketing. No other religion feels so compelled to proselytize through the dubious medium of bumper stickers (except Wiccans, and they just do it to be silly). The bumper stickers would be fine … if they made any sense. Read some of the following stickers (all real, I might add) and see if any of them would make you feel compelled to convert.

  1. It’s hard to stumble when you’re on your knees. (Is this about prayer or blowjobs?)
  2. Make your eternal reservations now — ‘smoking’ or ‘non-smoking’?
  3. As sure as God puts his children in the furnace, He will be in the furnace with them.
  4. God allows “U Turns”!
  5. In the sentence of life, the Devil may be a comma but DO NOT LET him be the PERIOD! (Leave that to Tampax)
  6. Walmart isn’t the only saving place!
  7. But St. Peter– what about my civil rights?
  8. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
  9. This Church is Prayer-conditioned!
  10. Plenty of folks give the Lord credit– few give Him cash!
  11. Good old knee-ology is as good as some theology.
  12. God made round faces; man makes ’em long.
  13. For all you do,  His blood’s for you!
  14. Be ye fishers of  men. You catch them — He will clean them. (God will skin and gut us?)
  15. Jesus is returning…resistance is futile (God is the Borg?)
  16. My boss is a Jewish carpenter. (Mine’s an Italian web designer, but no one asked)
  17. Y2K= Yield to the King.
  18. Jesus is my ROCK ‘N I’m on His ROLL.
  19. Want to avoid burning?  Use “Son” block.
  20. Who lit the fuse for the ‘Big Bang’?
  21. You don’t have to dial STAR345 to talk to Jesus. (Jesus carries a cell?)
  22. Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there.
  23. The prodigal son was having a bad ‘heir’ day!
  24. Remember the banana– when it left the bunch it got skinned.
  25. May your teenage head banger meet The Ageless Heart Knocker!
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  1. mikeB

    PLease God, make them stop!

  2. Mandy

    Jesus stares at my boobs. 😯

  3. Hi! You don’t know me, I found your site through a friend. I just wanted to tell you that we christians don’t make fun of you, so why do you make fun of us? Is it just in your nature? Do you believe you were “born” to do that. If so, you are seriously mistaken. You choose your path. You decided to walk against your maker, and the only one who can save your soul from eternal damnation. If anyone would like to talk to me, feel free.. just don’t dis christianity until you have tried it, for what right do you have to do so? What have I done to you? Why are you hurting the one I love? and you don’t even know me?? Even if you delete this comment.. just know that I will pray for you all, even if you don’t want it, because you need someone in your life to show you the way before it is too late. For life can end any second, and death comes within the blink of an eye. For whom will you choose?

  4. Oh, so you’re the one writing those bumper stickers.

    Kidding. I’m not dissing Christians. I just don’t get the tacky bumper stickers.

  5. Esther

    God forbid you make fun of tacky religious bumper stickers, Dave.

  6. Frances the Cockatoo

    Oh Rachel,
    Delete? Not on your life. We live for comments like these. Give us a superstitious Christian to play with and we will go nuts. Eternal hell and damnation rear their mythical heads only so often in this place, and we’re usually enthralled by the latest midget mullet or some strange collection of junk or some homeless coffee-drinker on a stool. And more importantly, if you were comfortable with your own religious dogma you wouldn’t have felt the need to be so defensive. Your faith would sustain you. I think you need to re-think the universe and the whole God thing. You might find that there is more than one way to look at this life, our existence, and death. Sorry for being so “heavy”, but…you started it.

  7. ::sigh:: This. Is. Priceless.

    Too bad it’s almost 3:00 a.m. and I’m too damn tired to join in the fun.

    But I’m silently doing the dance of joy because I actually have had had a button from the AFDB site on my site FOREVER. For once in my life, I saw something before Davezilla. Wow, maybe there really IS a God!!

  8. Sounds like Rachel just needs a good shtupping.

  9. Bumper stickers + Rachel = 2 more reasons to be pagan.

  10. Spud

    Didn’t you post a picture once upon a time with stickers plastered al over it dave?

  11. Spud

    umm, a car that is… 🙄

  12. “just don’t dis christianity (sic) until you have tried it”

    Raised Catholic, so I’ve been there, done that, and can make fun of ’em all I want.

    By the way, how can you assume that Dave hasn’t “tried christianity”? Do you know him that well just from his blog?

  13. Small wonders never cease. WHO knew that a Cockatoo could talk like that?

  14. Indeed, Moxie. Frances deserves some extra bird seed for that one.

  15. Yes, I was raised conservative Baptist, so I have tried it. It’s not for me, but I don’t knock anyone’s choice of religion.

    Just their bumper stickers. 😉

    And yes, Spud. What would Jesus drive?

  16. Hobbit

    Hey, my father was almost a preist, but I still laugh at those. I also provoke the people who walk down the street telling people about Jesus.

  17. *hand in the air* Raised by a Catholic turned MSIA‘ist turned Christian Scientist turned Mormon turned born-again Christian.

    That explains a lot, doesn’t it?

  18. too those of you who think i need to “re-think” my christianity, i don’t. i was defending God. Not myself. i could die anyday, why would i defend myself. i don’t know you nor do i care if you make fun of me. if i did, i wouldn’t be writing on here anymore. and Dave, i have enjoyed your page for the amount of time i have been reading it. i understand that you were just looking for a laugh, and i will not hold any of it against any of you. that would be wrong, i just had to say something bc i don’t want your blood on my hands when i join my father in heaven. btw-christianity and cathlosism(sp?) is so not the same thing!! and i am not “religious” i am Christian.

  19. mikeB

    You;re right, Rachel. Christianity is not a religion. It’s a well-funded business.

  20. “Because the Pearly Gates of Heaven don’t take American Express.”

  21. Spud

    Thanks dave, wow, a year goes by quickly.

    Religion is the bane of our existence.

    Your Doom is upon you!

  22. Try latex gloves. Universal precautions work wonders at keeping blood off your hands.

  23. Spud

    That almost strikes me as Haiku Moxie :mrgreen:

  24. Two stickers on my best friend’s car: Keep your rosaries away from my ovaries.
    And . . . (my personal favorite), Who would Jesus Bomb?

  25. I saw a funny Wiccan one today: Broom Parking Only: Others Toad

  26. PaganJewLilBro

    Nikki, thank you. Mike, brilliant. And now my two cents (er, bumper stickers).

    I think I met you in a past life, and I was a Witch then, too!

    Things haven’t been the same since that house fell on my sister…


  27. My favorite pagan sticker….

    667-Neighbor of the Beast

  28. Chelsea

    I know this post was intended to ridicule the Christian messages on the bumper stickers… but some of them brightened my day and reminded me why I am a follower of Christ. You did forget the best one, though… God is my co-pilot. ;D

  29. angie

    This Christian Jesus/God Entity…isn’t he a bit of a control freak? Why all the parlor tricks? Why the need for all the worship? If an all powerful entity were truly loving, why wouldn’t he (it?)give us some really useful info. that science would later verify–you know, like if the bible (Koran, Book of Mormon, etc.) said, “there are these invisible things (well actually microscopic) that I created–and they can be nasty–let’s call them germs… anyhow–wash your hands if you ever operate on people or assist in childbirth, because these “germs” can kill people.

    –not that killing is bad… it just means I (God) have called you home…but dead bodies stink and draw maggots (yet another interesting creation of mine) on the earthly plane (by the way, Earth is not the center of the universe–yet another thing you mortals will discover when you evolve enough to invent the telescope.)

    See, then God (or Allah or Xena) would have a lot better credibility, and we could swallow some of the wackier stuff like:

    Say folks, I (God) had my kid killed for you because I knew you’d be born and I knew you’d sin because I made you. And now I want you to go on a sort of scavenger hunt until you pick the right religion and make yourself believe it and try to figure out what the heck I want from you–and then convert others. Don’t ask too many questions about the jesus stories, virgin births, DNA, playing favorites,what “born again” means,or why killing is bad if it’s all part of some grand plan and there is no real death, etc.

    Oh–and don’t feel bad for the 9/11 victims–they’re up here partying with me–well the ones who picked the right religion are…yep the arabs…they have their 70 virgins as I promised–they taught you materialistic Americans a lesson, hey?

    Say…Maybe if YOU get enough “heaven points”–you can earn eternal ecstasy…and if you don’t–eternal damnation…yeah, it sucks, but as an all powerful entity, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere…I screwed up when I created that satan fellow.”

    In what ways is God more real than Santa Claus?

    I am amazed at what people can make themselves believe.

    I saw a bumperstick that said “God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into a mountain, so I had to eat him.”

    I’ve heard of religious wars and diatribe referred to as “my invisible friend can beat up your invisible friend…”

    Everlasting joy, because you were somehow lucky enough to stumble upon the “true path”?…and eternal damnation for those of us who want evidence?–or those who were raised as Buddhists?, or the mentally ill who truly believe that God is telling them to do some crazy stuff?

    Count me among the truly wicked. I’ve never killed anyone, and I’ve rescued a few animals–but, damn, I love to make fun of religion and the starry-eyed zealots who make themselves believe some really wacky stuff–all of them think the other beliefs are wacky…but they are blind to their own wacky thinking.

    I suspect that Christ and Buddha and Zeus and the Emporer’s new clothes are all cut from the same invisible cloth.

  30. I know this is kind of late for a comment, but I just wanted to say stuff.

    That is a long comment, Angie, and I am not sure I understand where you come from. I guess I see things just a tad bit differently.

    Oh yes, the real reason why I am commenting.

    I am a Christian, and I do HAVE to admit that *I* think the bumper stickers are cornier than corn/are so stupid that I don’t get them. So reading them actually gave me quite a bit of a laugh. I mean..”Jesus is coming…resistance is futile.” that is kind of weird..but then you add “God is the borg?” Now that’s hilarious stuff. I have to admit that bumper sticker just seems a little outrageous, because it does make it seem like they are portraying God as the borg. Very funny comment. Although I don’t believe that God is the borg. 🙂

    Anyway, thanks for the laugh. I understand why you make fun of the corny stuff. I do too. 🙂

  31. Anonymous


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