Getting rid of unwanted holiday guests

When the holidays come around, we are once again called upon to perform a duty which I feel should be made illegal as soon as possible: entertaining relatives. As that is not likely to happen in my lifetime, it is incumbent upon us to take matters in our own hands. Here are some solutions I dreamt up while sick in bed this week. I plan on implementing each one this season.

John Cakes:
Unlike Johnny Cakes which are in fact, edible and quite good, the John Cake is in fact, a highly toxic urinal cake, decked and trimmed into a festive holiday treat. A light sugar frosting with red and green sprinkles, topped with a nice chocolate. A thin square of laxative will do fine. For added fun, install combination locks on the bathroom doors.

Japanese Mistletoe:
Japanese MistletoeSlightly more difficult to prepare as there is no such thing as Japanese Mistletoe. Simply gather five or six Shuriken (Ninja Throwing Stars) from your desk (best place to keep them) and spray paint them holly green. For a more seasonal touch, apply a light dusting of that fake snow shit that cheap stores and elementary schools like to spray in the corners of their windows. Loop the stars, I mean leaves, together and affix them to a motion sensor. Hang from the ceiling. Each kiss will hurl a half dozen steel stars into the foreheads of your unsuspecting guests.

It is certainly tempting to want to try something with a fruitcake. Resist. No one touches fruitcakes; they simply pass them on to other hated relatives. It is a fact that the original 1,000 or so fruitcakes made in the Middle Ages are the same ones being passed around today. Fruitcakes have the half-life of Uranium 235d.

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Show 36 Comments


  1. Bigwavdave

    I think someone needs a nap!

  2. Sorry Dave, I am the freeloading, attention grubbing quasi-relative this year. I figure it is my turn. I’ve paid my dues by having all of the other freeloaders at my place all of these years.

    PS At least I’ll be in Maui for turkey day. If I’ve got to take advantage, I ain’t gonna mess around.

  3. I’m going to assist the wife this year by making every platter a sexual innuendo. Deserts will be extra fun as those will be in the shape of sexual objects.

    Penis cake with whip cream topping.

    Boob Pie

    And Clitoris cranberry sauce.

    Pretending that this is completely ‘normal’ will be the added challenge.

  4. Lake Effect

    I usually yawn a few times, put the snacks and drinks away, and then set the house on fire. By the time the firepersons have it under control, the visitors have almost always left.

    Give it a try!

  5. julesOdeNile

    [Comment ID #214687 will be quoted here]

    i like how PC you are- firepersons. the fire trick might work there but over here (communally inclined Kenya), after the fire is out they will most certainly stay in the name of “we gotta look out for you, you poor guy. do you need anything? what are you going to do now that your kitchen is all gone…”

    me to myself: “damn it man! i don’t know. may be i’ll just go back to my own place and call the poor fool i was house sitting for?…i don’t know..”

  6. Salmon

    I suppose handing out turds as dinner would send the right message ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  7. Chris S

    Eggnog: This has always been a disturbing beverage in my opinion, but to make it even better just add some milk that is about 2 months past the expiration date and stir. The light color will blend right in and you can assure them the chunks are supposed to be in there.

    Holiday turkey: Just grind up a handful of over the counter sleeping pills and mix with water in the bottom of the pan. Be sure to thoroughly baste the turkey while it cooks. This will increase the tiresome effects of the trytophan by more than 10 fold. Works especially great on kids. Feel free to add a bit to the stuffing as well for added effect.

    Jello mold: No don’t put real mold in the jello, thats just a waste of good jello. Spike it like a giant jello shot and everyone will be mellower than ever and pass out quickly. This is also a good safety valve for those relatives that choose ham over the turkey.

  8. [Comment ID #214692 will be quoted here]

    My worry with your suggestions, innovative though they are, is they encourage the guests to stay longer. :dead:

  9. Chris S

    [Comment ID #214693 will be quoted here]

    Hmmmm… replace the sleeping pills with Viagra and they can’t wait to get go home. Instead of spiked jello, make jello of ipecac and everyone will have to rush to the hospital due to the projectile vomiting. House is empty in record time! ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  10. TimM

    [Comment ID #214693 will be quoted here]

    Yes, but after you have the turkey and jello too and you don’t care.

  11. TimM

    (I hate my computer)
    [Comment ID #214693 will be quoted here]

    Yes, but after you have some of the turkey and jelly yourself you don’t care that they’re there, in your hair, or in their underwear.

  12. Janice was annoyed with her cousin Annette. Annette’s parents had arrived for Thanksgiving, like, two weeks ago, and the next week before T-day seemed endless. The brat was two years younger, and not even menstruating yet, so she was more likely to tattle about afternoon co-ed showers with the neighbor boys than to jump in with them!

    Not only wasn’t Janice getting her ashes hauled, Annette kept trying on Janice’s clothes – and stretching them all. Now Janice couldn’t tell what was clean. Eww!

    Annette wouldn’t read. Not the paper, no novels, she wouldn’t read magazines or the computer. She spent *lots* of time hooting over and – at all hours of the morning or night. Annette hadn’t been able to smuggle an hour with Daddy’s ‘Forum’ or ‘Variations’ .. story .. magazines .. alone .. for *way* too long! And the pest wouldn’t leave her alone, she was way too grabby, always with the pinching, pulling hair, grabbing arms, etc.

    Just when Janice thought it couldn’t get worse, she got home from school, and found her box of Tampons scattered on her bed. Half of them had been used. And left. Ick! The trick her friend Alice suggested, sprinkling pepper on the others and putting them back in the box (and getting a new, hidden box!) hadn’t seemed to work, either.

    Maybe her brother Sammy’s suggest, to call the Salvation Army that her uncle and cousin were homeless, Child Protective Services that Annette was being abused by her father, and the cable company that Annette was pirating the Disney Channel would help. Or maybe she could get her parents to send her to visit Grandma in Atlantic City until Christmas.

  13. I scare enough people by turning into Martha Stewart on crack at the holidays, so they pretty much look for any reason at all to leave after dinner. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ Are you sure you wouldn’t like another home made cookie with my special home made hot chocolate on the hand made cookie plate I fired in a sacred kiln and spent 3 days painting? No? Well fuck you then! ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  14. StevieC

    [Comment ID #214698 will be quoted here]

    I’m going to Nicolette’s place for Christmas. You had me at ‘fuck you’ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ :wang:

  15. [Comment ID #214699 will be quoted here]

    Awwww Stevie………… :wtf:

  16. Spud

    I’m a bastard just about all the time, I never smile, I never invite people over for drinks, you all suck, leave me the hell alone, go have your happy happy time somewhere the fuck else and leave me the hell alone.

    In other words PISS OFF!


  17. junkman

    spray paint pine cone wreaths white and glue one to every toilet seat in the house. replace all toilet paper with rolls of wide sequined ribbon. pump the soft sounds of lou reed’s metal machine music through the stereo. serve chartreuse and tranny fluid shooters with a squirt pistol. put sticky bows on your naughty bits and make a dramatic “appearance” every ten minutes. gift wrap boiled brussel sprouts for everyone. soak each seat at the table in turpentine. nothing like a yule time flaming arsehole to get people moving. bake a barf ball fruitcake. burn their coats hendrix style. light some shit bag lumieres on fire and put them out with the guests shoes in the front hall. invite a pregnant woman to have a live birth in the dining room so they can better connect to the “miracle of christmas”. grow a jesus beard and wear a thorn tairra to remind everyone what happens next. make a sex toy nativity. hide christmas tree light bulbs in the baba au rhum. fill the crackers with little ann coulter dolls. present a red gravy cigar butt punch for the guests enjoyment. or….go on a holiday the week of.
    ๐Ÿ˜ˆ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  18. Just burn a cross in your front lawn, stick that symbol from ’28 Days Later’ on all the windows and cordon off the front door with crime tape. (i.e. keep your Halloween decorations up for a few extra weeks) If the guests don’t make it to the doorbell, you won’t have to bother getting rid of them.

  19. junkman

    omg. i just realized nicolettes panties resemble an upside down christmas tree. may we please decorate it and put a star on top? 8) :wang: 8) :wang: 8)

  20. chainstay

    I find that Moterhead at extreme volume will drive out in-laws faster then an anthrax(the band or chemical)scare.

  21. chainstay

    I just realized that this works on in-laws only. This method can encourage friends. If they are of that ilk.

  22. StevieC

    [Comment ID #214704 will be quoted here]

    Kinda gives new meaning to Merry Fucking Christmas, doesn’t it? ๐Ÿ˜ˆ :wang:

  23. Bjorn Freeh

    I can’t get rid of holiday leftovers, and that stuff can’t think. I have no chance against unwanted guests.

  24. ๐Ÿ˜† Merry Fucking Christmas Stevie! :kiss: :wang: :kiss:

  25. TheMrDoug

    Keep is simple for those with very religious in laws, drink like a fish. Nothing endears you to them like being blind drunk at 9:00 am. The hard part is keeping that buzz on all day and all night. A good round of vomiting mid day goes a long way, of course you need to make a mess when doing so, hitting around the toilet and leaving the seat down says please stay as long as you like!

  26. Just drone on and on and on, like my relatives do after Christmas dinner. It always makes me want to leave, however I can never get out of there fast enough.

    Or you can hire some actors to pretend it’s their home and not yours. Hopefully the confusion will keep your relatives away and out of your hair. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  27. I plan on trying every one of these. I waited and waited for my invite this year to someone else’s house for Thanksgiving, but it hasn’t happened. I’ll show them. lol

  28. Becky

    An easy and great way to pregame for all your guests is by sending an ecard. I did this last year and it worked great. Everyone has that list of people that they send hand written cards to that they will not see over the holidays. But for the people that you will be seeing ecards are great. But to stay on topic with this blog don’t send a card to the guests you don’t want there so when every one tells you thank you for the ecard they will wonder why they didn’t get one and suddenly sue has a headake and needs to leave.

  29. Flash Gordon

    [Comment ID #214701 will be quoted here]

    I say, Spud old bean, just what are you trying to
    say? ๐Ÿ˜ˆ ๐Ÿ‘ฟ :limp: :wtf: :wtf:

  30. Spud

    [Comment ID #214731 will be quoted here]
    Was that a bit too subtle?


  31. [Comment ID #214771 will be quoted here]

    Awwww Spud, try to find your happy place! ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  32. All I have to do is offer to do any cooking, you see my entire family knows I’m a garlicaholic and I dont cook anything without it even when I try to go easy with it it’s always to strong for everyone else.

    [Comment ID #214701 will be quoted here]

    Spud I think your my Idol ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

    [Comment ID #214986 will be quoted here]

    Nicolette I dont know about Spud but every time I look at your avatar I’m in a happy place :wang:

  33. Spud

    For some reason, when I see Nicolett’s avatar it makes me think of a bakery, yes a bakery.


    Well it’s because it looks like somebody has got one of those frosting tubes and created an image of panties on her posterior.

    Aaaand as we all know, a good bakery is a clean bakery and to be clean, one must clean up with whatever implements/tools/parts come to hand to clear that frosting off.

    That’s all I’m saying.


  34. TimM

    1. Get ear plugs and a Christmas CD that has “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” on it. Play “Grandma” over and over till the guests wish they would get run over by a reindeer themselves.

    2. Announce in loud voice, “Whoa, I don’t know what it is I ate. Does anyone else feel like they’re about to get diarrhea?

  35. Memphisbandman

    Ah, yes…the most beautiful lights of the Christmas Season…the TAIL LIGHTS!

Comments are closed