And furthermore… Part I

I really need to take a camera with me every time I have coffee with my friend Liz. We see the best freaks. Tonight topped them. Ever go to a coffeehouse, it’s really crowded so you find an empty table with not enough chairs? Then you hunt around to see if anyone isn’t using all the chairs at their table? Well that.

So we got our drinks and Liz found a great table with no chairs. I spy a man sitting alone with an ancient, underpowered Mac laptop and walk over.

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Is it cool if I steal this chair?”
Him: “First of all, you need to learn that when you approach someone of great intelligence, deep in thought, such as myself, you need to slowly bring them back from their advanced thinking state before posing such an asinine question.”
Me: “Uh, OK. I’m sorry, may I please borrow this chair?”

So behind him is my friend Alfred, who stands up and says, “Take my chair, Dave.”
Me: “Thank you Alfred. That was very kind of you.”
Alfred: “No problem, Dave. It’s what any polite person would do.”

So then the freak starts in on me again.

Him: “And furthermore, if you would notice—” I wasn’t having any more of him.
Me: “I don’t care, asshole. There’s a good reason you’re sitting alone.”

Part II, tomorrow

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  1. dougieace

    im first,i havent been first at anything since my old girlfriend jessica,and that was way back in 92.
    so where to go with this?finish the story where dave cracks the asshole over the head with his ancient mac.then picking the largest piece of it up and jamming it into the assholes asshole?
    or recommend staying away from snooty coffee houses and patronizing your local pub can get a nice buzz on come home to write some random b.s. on the davezilla site before blacking out.

  2. rosebuddls

    Does breathing REALLY improve your sex life?

    :boob: :wang: :boob:


  3. DaPopster

    Let me guess, the person had brown eyes? Must be, sounding so full of themself and all. :puke: :limp:

  4. Spud

    Him: “First of all, you need to learn that when you approach someone of great intelligence, deep in thought, such as myself, you need to slowly bring them back from their advanced thinking state before posing such an asinine question.”

    Wow, somebody actually said these words with a straight face? I’d have burst out laughing and most likely drooled all over them.

    Unbelievable, especially the part where he says “slowly bring them back from their advanced thinking state” what do you mean? like waking the dead? bitch slapping about the head and shoulders? what??

    Great post Dave.


  5. Chris S


    I could only hope that the guy was trying to be funny, but it doesn’t really sound like it. What a :limp:

    Awesome line you had there too Dave about him sitting alone. I can’t wait for the rest of the story. Its a cliffhanger! 🙂

  6. You misunderstood his first comment, Dave. ‘asinine comment’ meant you shouldn’t have bothered asking.

    The appropriate response would have been, “Thanks!” and take the chair.

  7. :wtf: Where do you go at night? I mean really! Where??

    When the guy got finished making his “asinine” statement about being of great intelligence, I would have said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I was just approaching another self important schmuck in a coffee house trying to look cool with his anchient mac.”

    Next time just wack him across the head with and empty coffee mug and take the fucking chair AND the one he falls out of. There! Problem solved! 😈

  8. Man, you’re like some kind of freak MAGNET …

    Can’t wait for the coup de grace!

  9. [Comment ID #221618 will be quoted here]

    I only wish I had recorded it, so you all could have heard his delivery: slow and measured. It was as if he had practiced this speech for years and was just waiting for the opportune moment to spring it on us mere mortals.

    I later found out he works for Channel 4 (NBC) and has been a regular there for years that somehow I’ve missed.

  10. Driver

    Him: “First of all, you need to learn that when you approach someone of great intelligence, deep in thought, such as myself, you need to slowly bring them back from their advanced thinking state before posing such an asinine question.”

    I would have said- sorry Professor Hand…YOU DICK! :wtf:

  11. patrick

    “And furthermore, if you would notice-”
    “I’m taking the chair. And to show my appreciation and most sincere regrets for disturbing you, I’m going to order you a grande sized steaming cup of STFU”. 👿

  12. chainstay

    Does anyone else see a pattern going on here? Dave, Coffeehouse, Macs, freaks. I just know that there is a connection going on; I just haven’t put it all together yet. I have a sneaking suspicion that somehow the Macs are a pivotal force in the whole thing.

  13. [Comment ID #221628 will be quoted here]

    No, I see the freaks everywhere, whether or not a Mac is present. It’s my special gift/curse to be followed everywhere by them.

  14. pookabera

    ME: ” I’m gonna take the chai and in trade i’ll buy you a super sized cup a mocha’ chocha frocha…STFU” 😛

  15. You should have responded with “Well, you must be a devil worshipper, because only democrats and satanists use Apple products” just to see what someone of great intelligence (or at least, this idiot) would have said.

  16. Bigwavdave

    Dave – You really are in a pickle here. You can either start buying your beans ( and grind them yourself for a refreshing & satisfying cup or two which would deprive you of all this Zilla material or, continue hanging out in the disreputable java joints you seem to favor, and pay WAY too much after standing in line, only to have your (paper) cup of mud ruined by the idiots whom you seem to attract.

    I wish you well.

  17. Jay Laverdure

    “Sir, as your first premise involves approaching someone of great intelligence, there was obviously no
    need for me to do anything…”

  18. chainstay

    Well Dave, at least you are able to use your gift/curse for a greater good. Also you can see the lighter side of the whole thing. I have been reading your escapades for a while now and I truly believe that if an every-day, average person spent a day in your place they would run home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, giber incoherently, and never set foot outdoors again. got ta keep the loonies on the path.

  19. [Comment ID #221633 will be quoted here]

    Starbucks is hardly disreputable. Over-commercialized, sure. The one in downtown Royal Oak is particularly known for an odd assortment of customers, from the most drop-dead gorgeous women to the tinfoil hat crowd.

    I try not to order the paper cup of mud. I have my own porcelain mug here full of chai. :java:

  20. “First of all, you need to learn that when you approach someone of great intelligence (you can recognize them because all of them use ancient macs), deep in thought (look like they haven’t crapped in a week), such as myself (see, I look like constipation central), you need to slowly bring them back from their advanced thinking state (shake them gently awake) before posing such an asinine question.(and he would know one”

    My answer, “I’m sorry, you must be working on curing cancer, no, creating a non-poluting fuel, no, you’ve located Osama Bin Laden via sattelite, no, then STFU and hand me the chair.

  21. Dave said:
    I later found out he works for Channel 4 (NBC) and has been a regular there for years that somehow I’ve missed.

    Soundslike you dodged the bullet. A couple of seconds later you could have been debating with Andy Rooney!

  22. I don’t drink coffee so I have to meet freaks the old fashioned way at bars, head shops & Davezilla.

  23. Wow, that sounds like something that could have happened to me. I’m in a constant state of getting pissed of at people in public places. :wtf:

  24. tinamarie

    Honestly, he sounds like Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons. Then again, he probably looked like Comic Book Guy as well–unkempt, ugly, and virginal.

  25. Spud

    [Comment ID #221630 will be quoted here]

    Oh dear… :geek: 😳 🙄 :dead:

  26. Marcus

    smirking would be right for this scene. Then say “a sphincter says what.” See what he says. Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World party time excellent. :wtf:

  27. What a turd. That guy should really stop breathing. Should solve that problem.

    And I totally agree that breathing improves your sex life! 😈 :wang:

  28. Supercharged_goddess

    You know, I find breathing to be way overrated, I prefer panting and gasping uncontrollably during sex to be one of the highlights of orgasmic ecstacy. oh, Dave, next time, just say, {“oh yeah isn’t that nice?” It’s the polite southerner’s way of saying “Who the fuck cares bitch? Just gimmie the freakin chair.”

  29. I think you and Alfred handled that very well. With the descriptions of his attitude and actions I doubt that making the extra effort to show him the wrong in his ways would have been a waste. 🙂

Comments are closed