We went to our favorite seafood restaurant in posh Grosse Pointe (yes, the same one the John Cusack movie was from). A few minutes before our food arrived, two friends of ours showed up and pushed a table up against ours saying, “We’re gonna to join you, m-kay?” They had just come back from a wine tasting and were fairly hammered. We said it was fine if they didn’t mind us eating in front of them. Our food arrived just then.
Our waitress was a 40-ish Asian woman named Mai who was a little too eager to please. She also had the puzzling habit of rubbing my shoulders every time she came to the table. The girlfriend was amused by this and said, “She love you long time.”
We’ve got crabs
As I mentioned, our friends had previously tasted 11,204 glasses of wine so there was some slurring and table thumping. The husband was clearly more drunk than his wife and when he saw my girlfriend’s huge plate of crab legs, he stammered out to our Asian massage therapist, “I want shumma those! Crabs! Those look gooooood. Can Iâ€”can I have shum?”
Waitress: “Oh, of course you can, sir! I would love to bring you some. It is my greatest pleasure to help you.” Seriously.
The husband friend is a successful attorney who represents several well-known indie bands, so it was no surprise he was in an expensive, Italian suit. But inebriation, Armani and crab legs do not good bedfellows make. Within minutes, his shirt was sporting some rather generous butter stains. In his drunken logic, he determined the best thing to do was summon over Mai and ask her if the restaurant sold t-shirts. They did and she was so delighted to be asked this most wonderful task and rushed off to get one.
Meanwhile, our friend was feeling embarrassed by the fiesta of butter on his shirt. I would have framed the shirt and sold it on eBay as an original Pollock, but he began unbuttoning his shirt much to his wife’s displeasure. He had unbuttoned all the way to his navel when Mai arrived with the t-shirt. “Hey I doan want that shirt ennymoar. I was jesh kidding. Did you guys shink I was kidding?”
“No,” we replied in unison.
“Well, I wuzh. Thank you for tracking it downâ€”I’m shir it’s a great shirt but I jesh need t’take this one off.”
“Oh uh sir? Could you please keep your clothes on in the restaurant?” asked Mai.
At this point, other patrons were getting visibly disturbed and asked for their checks. We did the same and upon exiting, the bartender whispered to us, “You two are like freak magnets, I swear. How do they find you?”