Dear Satan,

Seeing as how the world and its population have changed dramatically over the centuries, I have some suggestions for you on expanding Hell to accommodate some of Earth’s newer denizens.

Please add new sections to Hell for the following:

  1. Cyber Squatters who hold onto URLs.
  2. Double Dippers at parties.
  3. People who park in handicapped spots because, “I’ll just be a minute.”
  4. Karens.
  5. People who don’t replace toilet paper but are over the age of seven.(I’m willing to cut slack to those under third grade).
  6. Millionaires who complain that Starbucks raised their coffee price by 25¢.
  7. People who refuse to put their phone away when it’s their turn in line at the bank, restaurant, etc.
  8. People who refuse to hear another’s side of the story. I understand this will likely be the largest section of Hell and require a lot of grant money to complete. I am willing to assist in any necessary paperwork.
  9. Exercising minuscule amounts of power, like meter maids hawking over a parking meter, operators who put you hold and then go to the bathroom, security guards who hassle teenagers for their attire, etc.
  10. Science Deniers, again, a large wing will be needed for this group. Torture showing how physics works on the limits of the human body would be an apropos touch.
  11. People who outright lie on their resume, make it to the interview round, and waste everyone’s time trying to justify how working at as a sweeper at the farmers market prepared them for a job in neuroscience.
  12. Those who feel all problems that are not their concern can be solved with thoughts and prayers. Give them something to pray about.

Thank you for your time,