Dear Satan,

17 May, 2020Posted inOriginal Humor
Seeing as how the world and its population have changed dramatically over the centuries, I have some suggestions for you on expanding Hell to accommodate some of Earth’s newer denizens. Please add new sections to Hell for the following: Cyber Squatters who hold onto URLs.Double Dippers at parties.People who park in handicapped spots because, “I’ll just be a minute.”Karens. People who don’t replace toilet paper but are over the age of seven.(I’m willing to cut slack to those under third grade).Millionaires who complain that Starbucks raised their coffee price by 25¢.People who refuse to put their phone away when it’s…

The Fifth Circle of Hell

06 February, 2008Posted inObservations60 Comments
CANTO XIII: In most of the United States, when it’s time to renew your driver’s license, or get new tabs for your plates, you might go to the DMV (Dept. of Motor Vehicles). Not so in Michigan. We go to the Secretary of State—known to Dante Alighieri as the Fifth Circle of Hell. It is here that Phlegyas ushers wayward travelers to their rightful place: waiting in line for eternity among the wrathful. A soup kitchen queue for the Damned, if you will. Should you be fortunate enough to have your number called out in under a decade, one of…

I rarely have snappy comebacks

22 December, 2007Posted inBad Ideas36 Comments
…but today I nailed one without skipping a beat. [SCENE: Starbucks] Woman: "Ahem. Is that an Apple product?" Me: "Yes, it's a G4 Laptop" Woman: "Well, you must be a devil worshipper, because only Democrats and satanists use Apple products." Me: "Why, I am a devil worshipper. Did the Mac give it away?"