Cindy says

I apologize for not having a photo to accompany this post. Really. The best freak in my entire Freak Watching career apears and I am without camera. Shameful. For weeks now, the baristas at a certain major coffee chain have been bugging me to get a photograph of Joan. Joan is a transvestite, which to me does not qualify as a freak. I see nothing wrong with cross-dressing.

Then I met Joan.

Picture Abe Vigoda in a skirt. Add a second-hand, puce sweater and dowdy, brown skirt.

Oh, and a talking purse named Cindy.

Cindy doesn’t really talk, or at least, not in a dimension that you or I have access to. Cindy gives Joan all of her instructions. Cindy also has three boyfriends and rides in the front seat of Joan’s slightly damaged Ford Festiva. Joan holds Cindy up to her ear like a phone and gives instructions to the baristas:
“Cindy would like a chocolate chip cookie.”

The baristas are expected to reach into Cindy for money. Most refuse, on the fear that some type of cannibal gnome lives in the purse. I don’t blame them.

Next time, I will have photos. I promise.

Show 63 Comments


  1. Pinky

    I’m actually speechless; I just couldn’t believe there weren’t any comments yet so I had to leave one.

  2. No witty comment to this one. Like Pinky, I am rendered speechless. ❗

    Until you get a photo-op, please draw a caricature of Joan/Cindy for us!

  3. “Reach into Cindy.” That’s wrong in so many ways. But at least they’re not expected to reach into Joan. :wtf:

  4. I’m sorry, but any alien looking closely at those dog tags will immediately return you to the lavatories of a neonazi club somewhere in Tennessee.

  5. garth

    Sad!!! Very very sad!!!!!!! And, Dave, you would be even more sad as a person if you took a photo and held this sad sad person up to ridicule………Please don’t!!

  6. Cbatdux

    The dog tags – they work. Just ask Joan. Or Cindy.

  7. amanda

    Cindy for President!!!

  8. Spud

    I think it’s great!
    pathos on one hand
    laughter on the other.

    Package deal.

    picture optional extra

  9. mikeB

    Post it! Fuck garth.

  10. amanda

    Yeah! What MikeB said!!:twisted:

  11. Paige Dalton

    I know a cannibal gnome but she lives in my head, not in some crazy ladys purse:grin:

  12. 😈 What MikeB and Amanda said! And Spud? Great comment.

  13. CINDY

    “Garth… garth… psst… hey garth. It’s Cin. Cindy would like you to shut yer trap. Oh, and Cindy would also like garth to reach inside and fondle her dimes.” :kiss:

  14. I’ll have to pass on the :wang:ing of Garth.

  15. mmmm… transvestites. and co-o-o-o-ffee-ee-ee. and (silent> talking purse. goooood.

    I am looking to start a new relationship and all, since today would have been our thirtieth wedding anniversary if the gloppita-gloppita machine hadn’t swallowed up Donna.

  16. mikeB

    rust? Meds wearing off? :wtf:

  17. Dawn


    Like it would be any different if you saw the picture before the story. What if it was only a picture?? Like you wouldn’t give it some crazy caption. Garth, c’mon….SHE TALKS TO HER PURSE!! That’s the epitome of wack-a-doo. :wtf:

  18. Bubbles

    Those dogtags are CLASSY. Luckily I don’t need one because my mom sews a tag with my name and address into all my sweaters.

    Tell Cindy to order a cookie for me, too.

  19. Mandy

    Right on, Dawn! :kiss:

    I hope the purse doesn’t tell her to go on a killing spree! :wtf:

  20. I believe that ‘wack-a-doo’ is the word of the day.:cool:

  21. hmmm…

    I am concerned that Cindy (or is it Sin-dee?) may be a repository for certain bodily fluids after certain — illegal in twelve states — “trysts” …

  22. amanda

    Garth…? Are ya out there…??

    Cindy wants to know if you’d like to have a 3-sum w/her and Joan. ❗

  23. Themrdoug

    Ok fine if Garth does not want to subject the shemale and it’s purse to ridicule then let him post his own picture in return. I am sure we can all then have fun at his expense. Wait do these comments of Garths expose some deep hidden secret of his? Lets hope so when he sends in his picture with HIS transvestite friend we can all have a better day.

  24. Sunshinegrl

    Hey Garth? Freud called. He said your slip was showing.

    Those dogtags are a wonderful idea! We should all buy one and wear them with our tinfoil hats. You don’t want those aliens to read your minds when they kidnap you and preform their sexual experiments on you. Now do you?

  25. amanda

    Hey Sunshinegrl:
    I thought I was the only one with tinfoil-hat-wearing “friends”!!
    -wonder if their :undies: are tinfoil too…?

  26. Pappy

    Hmm.. What I’m wondering is..

    Does Joan actually feed the cookies to Cindy?

    I wonder what other needs of Cindy’s she fulfills.. :wtf:

  27. garth

    Aaah! Dear playful children …….. what if “Joan” or some of her friends see her photo on the web and spread it round, with the unkind remarks? What if Joan suicides because of it ………….. What would you do then? Would Dave report that the Barista told him ‘she’ had suicided? Would you all not be able to sleep because of your guilty consciences? Hmmmmmmmmm!!! As for my Freudian slip showing … well probably that’s appropriate ……… I am, after all a psychologist…………and as ribald as some of my comments may get ………… if I really know what’s behind the stuff that goes it makes me a think a bit …………

    Anyway………comment on ……… I simply made a suggestion. And you wouldn’t like my photo anyway…….sort of like the north end of a south bound bus ……….. old, worn and not worth the print …….

  28. Popster

    Everybody seems pissed because the purse isn’t “talkin” to them.

  29. tinamarie

    Garth–we are cool with your compassion. Noted, and understood. Over and out.

    As for Cindy, well, perhaps a picture of her would be good. After all, I have never seen a talking purse before. And maybe Joan is the Dr. Doolittle of the accessories section of the department store, you know, listening to all the purses argue with the scarves about who’s more critical to high fashion. Can you imagine the stress for poor, overworked Joan?!

    Compassion, people. We need more compassion. 😛

  30. garth

    tina marie

    x x x x
    x x x x x
    x x x
    x x
    x x
    x x
    x x
    x x
    x x
    x x
    x x
    x x

  31. garth

    Damn, I put that together as a heart and it didn’t format on the page…….Oh well, Tinamarie……….hugs and kisses and thanks for your kind words

  32. evilqueen

    I spend half my day dealing with freaks. I am sorry if I find it fun to rag on the occasional unfortunate individual. I am sure if given the chance they will do the same to me. It’s just not my turn today.

    Cindy says she wants to be on the world wide web.

  33. Nina


    I think Joan & Cindy need to get in touch with the orange juice man…

    In my hometown there was a man who walked around believing he was a glass of OJ! He would freak out about people spilling him or drinking him…Wonder what ever happened to him?

    I think the dog tags worked for Joan & Cindy…I sure the aliens think we’re all wack-a-doo’s now!!!

  34. Since when have psychologists started using suicide as a verb? Suicide, being the bid responsibility that it is, generally requires the verb ‘commit’ to be put into action, no?

  35. garth

    The short answer Lung is “NO” . ‘Suicide’ is a verbal noun and may be used interchangeably. Remember, English is a flexible language dependent on culture.

  36. Do you mean as a gerund? I can see that usage, but it must be extremely informal.

  37. garth

    No Dave………..gerunds have ‘ing’ endings such as ‘run’ and ‘running’ ‘swim’ and ‘swimming’………. whereas this one is similar to ‘talk’ as in ‘his (address to a public forum)talk was interesting’ as compared to ‘see, he talks (or “is talking”).

    Not really informal…………useage is common and I’ve used the term along with others in court, suggesting to counsel that someone “may suicide if pressured unduly”………quite common actually.

  38. Hm, must be an Australian thing. Three out of four English majors at the ad agency are giggling at that usage.

  39. garth

    Well, Dave, as I said useage is a cultural thing……..I mean, the real English spelling is “colour” but US uses ‘color’ and “Realise” becomes “realize” over there. When you consider that “suicide” is actually from two latin words “sui caedere” to kill oneself – and the English useage is a direct derivation of the latin – it becomes a little repetitive to say (after the act) “he committed to kill himself” rather than ‘he suicided’ or ‘may suicide’……….

    And again, English majors are not forensic specialists. For example, English majors talk about the results of an action having an affect. That is incorrect. A result is an ‘effect’ whereas an ‘affect’ is an attitude. You don’t necessarily trust an English major………..privates have been known to be wiser 🙄

  40. garth

    what does the fourth English major say?

  41. The fourth one says you are an insufferable know-it-all who should realize that this is a humor blog, not (Sorry, arseholes)

    I mean, he agreed with you.

  42. Mandy

    If “garth” is such an expert on all things involving language, why doesn’t he capitalize his name?

  43. garth

    Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent!:grin:

  44. English major #4

    Main Entry: suicide
    Function: verb
    Inflected Forms: sui·cid·ed; sui·cid·ing
    intransitive senses
    : to commit suicide suicide transitive senses
    : to put (oneself) to death

    Source: Merriam-Webster’s Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

    Obviously it’s different in medical circles, as other dictionaries only list it as a noun.

  45. GARTH

    Yup!!! :kiss:

  46. /passes out cheddar gerunds and crackers….:kiss:

  47. Anonymous

    /passes out sharp shiny objects with which to stab.

  48. GARTH

    /passes out :dead:

  49. Mandy

    57 comments. Do I hear 58? 58? Going once?

  50. hippychick

    You really must come meet “Leslie” here in Austin, TX. To say that he’s a cross-dresser is kind. Leslie is Leslie and everyone excepts him as such. Often found down on 6th Street wearing a thong and stuffed (sometimes not) bikini top and heels. He runs for mayor on a regular basis and gets an amazing amount votes. Worth the trip to Austin.

  51. Sunshinegrl

    Dave is right. This is supposed to be a humor blog. You know, where you make fun of stupid things. If anyone’s taking this thing seriously, then that person is at the wrong site. Joan and her talking purse, Cindy, are funny.:razz:
    Oh,and tinamarie, that Dr. Doolittle of the fashion world comment was hilarous!

  52. Sunshine is right Garth, lets stop parragraphing about such a trivial issue, if we keep verbing and nouning on like this we’ll end up futiling the arguement and headaching ourselves.

  53. I totally know who Leslie is, hippiechick! I take pics of him every time I got to SxSW. I believe I posted one here in 2001.

  54. ganicutie

    Verbal nouns? Do they get to skip a grade?

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