The Collect Call of Cthulhu

Yoggy Yog: Yo man, pick up the phone. Pick up the phooooone, bitch. … C’mon, you squid-lookin’ muthafuckah. Pick up the damn phone!
Operator: Collect call from … Snoop Yoggy Yog? Uh, for Mister Keth-uh-loo? Do you accept the charges?
Cthulhu: The Hells you want?

Yoggy Yog: Shut it, fool. Where’s my CD, beyotch?
Cthulhu: CD? I ain’t promised you no damn CD? Man, why you gotta be that way?

Yoggy Yog: What way?
Cthulhu: Calling me collect. Your celly get turned off AGAIN?

Yoggy Yog: Maybe.
Cthulhu: Bitch, I can’t help you if you can’t even pay your damn phone bill. Get your own damn CDs.

Yoggy Yog: I need that CD. Remixed Arkham sty-leeee!
Cthulhu: Stupid cracker.

Yoggy Yog: Who you calling cracker, squid-bitch? Your scales are paler than a cave trout.
Cthulhu: Hells! How ’bout I reach this tentacle through the phone and beat your scaly ass with it?

Yoggy Yog: So?
Cthulhu: What?

Yoggy Yog: You gots my mix?
Cthulhu: I gots your mix right here, bitch. In between my third and fourth prehensile dicks.

Yoggy Yog: Psssh! What’s the tracks?
Cthulhu: Serious, I got it. Elder Gods Jam. Here’s the playlist:

  1. Funky Cold R’lyeh
  2. The Fhtagn Song
  3. Shoggoth’s Delight
  4. Will the Real Charles Dexter Please Stand Up?
  5. Me So Slimy
  6. Gin & Miskatonic
  7. Nothin’ But a Tekeli-li Thang
  8. Nickel Bag of Fhtagn
  9. Old Ones Pt.II
  10. How Could I Just Eat a Man?

Yoggy Yog: Wicked.
Cthulhu: You know how I roll.

Yoggy Yog: Bitch, you don’t roll. You kinda … slither.

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20 Replies to “The Collect Call of Cthulhu”

  1. Well. Well. Well.

    If it isn’t my arch enemy Cthulhu.
    Obviously he has awoken from “dead but dreaming” state and is now far, far, away from the city of R’lyeh.

    “A mountain walked or stumbled…The Thing of the idols, the green, sticky spawn of the stars,..awakened to claim his own. After vigintillions of years great Cthulhu..loose again, and ravening for delight.”

    Dave? Don’t you think this kraken based post is err …well…a little bizarre?
    “Below the thunders of the upper deep;
    Far, far beneath in the abysmal sea,
    His ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep
    The Kraken sleepeth; faintest sunlights fell
    About his shadowy sides: above him swell
    Huge sponges of millennial growth and height;
    And far away into the sickly light,
    From many a wondrous grot and secret cell
    Unnumber’d and enormous polypi
    Winnow with giant arms the slumbering green.
    There hath he lain for ages and will lie
    Battening upon huge seaworms in his sleep,
    Until the latter fire shall heat the deep;
    Then once by man and angels to be seen,
    In roaring he shall rise and on the surface die.”
    – Alfred Lord Tennyson, “The Kraken”
    Anyway I’m not scared of Cthulhu. Not while I have my super sized “Octodog” maker to hand!
    “That cult would never die until the stars came right again, and the secret priests would take Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth. The time would be easy to know, for then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild, and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and reveling in joy. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom.”

    Failing that.

    I’ll just kick him squaw in the nuts!

    P.S The real Necronomicon is rumoured to be in Saltzburg Germany. A relic from the Nazi regime. Weird eh?

    👿

  2. Dave,

    If i get my tits out, can I become the Official Davezilla something as well?

    Spiritual advisor would be cool.

    😎

  3. Todays post reminds me of a phone conversation between my X brother-in-law, and one of his “boys”
    thanks for the flashback

    frisko

  4. If you don’t get it, it’s cause you don’t read HP Lovecraft’s horror novels. His most famous novel is, “The Call of Cthulhu” about archeaological discovery of ancient, semi-aquatic, evil gods. Don’t worry about it. :mrgreen:

    Stacy, most people pronounce it “kuh-THOO-LOO”, but in movies based on Lovecraft novels, it’s pronounced, “KETH-loo”. YMMV.

  5. To truly achieve that proper Welsch sound, fill your mouth with cheese curd and have your best friend hit you in the midsection with a large shovel as you proudly say, “Cthwlhw.” :wtf:

  6. I must confess, in late hours when the spirits are still up, and humanity lies asleep momentarily from its puny illusions of a narcissist labour, I hear things, murmuring things between oaken branches creaking under starlight, windy things mixing with the locusts outside my window, phantasmagorical rhythms that have almost the straining sounds of a zither and as intricate as algebra, and then I notice that the lunation of the moon has suddenly changed from first quarter to full, and then I know my master from the gill-infested sea has made union with my thoughts, a link of unspeakable horror that is like an ice-cold touch upon my lidless eyeball, fierce and painful fire of ice as its wordless voice shoots through my brain, bringing gurgling moans and the shrill cries of whale song to the very depths of my cavernous soul, and the Elder God did teach me in that tone the magical square of its name, a formula of 8 based on the slimy, sea-green suction of its octagonal members:


    KHUTHULU
    HULHUTUK
    UTHUKHUL
    TULHUKUH
    HUKULUHT
    UUHKLUTH
    LUKUHHTU
    ULUTUKHH

    And then I did hear another voice come out of the North, within a whirlwind, and it spoke to me all things, and told me, Son Of Man, write these things down, and so I dipped my pen in the inkwell, and scribbled fiercely without conscious contemplation:

    Out from Chaos, a form arises, being the pattern of all shape, and the maker of worlds, and so our thoughts were also dark and void, and without form, and we settled ourselves to discover the one true thing, and from era to era the hands of men built upon a tradition,
    being a Grimoire and collection of magickal commentaries by various scribes on the Subject of the Necronomicon, much in the manner of the Talmud on the Hebrew scriptures, translated from various tongues. For five Centennials this dogma has blossomed secretly, and continues to change shape as it renews itself upon the living, the first germ of what is to come.

    The triune U in its name is as a sigil of Water, the three consonants, K,T,L are of fire, and they make up the six worlds: KUTULU; the two H’s are silent, as the vows of our sect, save during the Calling Rite when the breathy H is produce: KHUTHULU; but when silent, the six letters are named the six fins or scales, and is tattooed upon the torsos of his priests, the Kult of Kutulu:

    K/\T/\L/\ /\/\/\
    \/T\/K\/L \/\/\/
    T/\L\/K/\ /\//\
    \/K/\L\/T \//\/
    L\/K\/T\/ \/\/\/
    /\L/\T/\K /\/\/\

    The very pattern of scales on Kuhthulu’s body which maketh the Sacred Wave thru space and the sea to pound its objective relativity:

    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
    /\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\
    \//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
    /\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\
    \//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/\//\/
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

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