How to Speak Project Manager

  1. When they say, “How’s the work coming along?” they really mean, “I am not missing my lunch break over you.”
  2. When they say, “I’m glad you were assigned to this,” they really mean, “Nobody else was stupid enough to work on this.”
  3. When they say, “We need to manage the client top down,” they really mean, “You’re at the bottom of the pecking order and shit flows downstream.”
  4. When they say, “This project will require your utmost attention,” they really mean, “Don’t screw this up. My review is next week.”
  5. When they say, “Let’s take this offline to discuss,” they really mean, “You’re making me look stupid in this meeting.”
  6. When they say, “This looks like a development issue,” they really mean, “They’ll be here all weekend while I go bar hopping.”
  7. When they say, “This should really go through the Information Architects, first,” they really mean, “I’m supposed to start including these people but I have no idea why.”
  8. When they say, “We’re going to need to allow time for QA,” they really mean, “Whew! Just bought five more days to get this done.”
  9. When they say, “It should be quite clear from this Gantt Chart,” they really mean, “I made this deliberately confusing so it looks like I am worth my payrate.”
  10. When they say, “Let’s do this project in two phases,” they really mean, “I am in over my head so I’m gonna blow off half this job till next quarter.”

Guest co-author, Iain Lanivich

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18 Replies to “How to Speak Project Manager”

  1. When they say: “Our employees are our bottom line.”
    They really mean “We’re doing layoffs to save money.”

    When they say: “We need to be more globally aware in our company structure.”
    They really mean: “We’re going to outsource your jobs to India.”

    When they say: “We’re streamlining your employee benefits to meet today’s changing needs.”
    They really mean: “Grab your ankles and try not to scream because your new insurance package won’t even cover the lubricant!” 😈 👿

  2. When they say, “How’s the work coming along?” they really mean, “You had better finish by this afternoon or your arse is grass and I’m a lawnmower”

    When they say, “I’m glad you were assigned to this,” they really mean, “You better make me look good”

    When they say, “I’ haven’t quite seen one like that before” they really mean, “This is going to cost you a bundle buddy”

    When they say, “I will be finished by Friday” they really mean, “Actually that’s about two weeks away”

    When they say, “The extra costs incurred will be kept to a bare minimum” they really mean, “Minimum meaning the barest legal amount we can get away with charging you”

    :geek:

  3. i believe the gem sweater model’s facial expression accurately reflects the vitality of this product and will appeal to the intended target market.

  4. When the conversation starts with ‘As A Professional .. ‘
    They really mean ‘I screwed the pooch, now you get to cover for me. Without reporting overtime.’

  5. No kidding around.. the Gem Sweater Lady is the star of the video sensation “The Internet is for Porn”. I can’t link it here.. but if you haven’t seen it yet, you need to go out of your way to find it – LOL!

    Manager says: “We need to leverage the situation” – they mean “We need to blame the customer!”

  6. When they say “Damn fine job” they really mean no raise and we’re gonna work your ass even harder. :puke:

  7. I have an old basketball that looks just like the gem sweater lady’s hair! She looking bloody crazy. Are we sure she’s not a postal worker?

  8. She looks like a bad version of Ricky Lake from Hairspray (the movie).
    The “Hefty Hideaway” helps… :dead:

  9. when they say ‘this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you’ what they’re really saying is ‘holy shit, this is going to hurt you so fucking much you’re ears will bleed’

    when they say ‘you know what you did wrong’ what they they really mean is ‘i can’t figure out just what you did to piss me off, but i’m sure you’re guilty of something’

    when they say ‘with all due respect’ what they’re really saying is ‘i’m about to say something horribly mean and evil and it’s going to be all about you’

    when they say ‘let’s get married’ what they’re really saying is ‘oh man, i hope to crap this line scares you away’

    when they say ‘i believe in speaking my mind’ what they’re really saying is ‘i am one tactless son-of-a-bitch’

    when they say ‘no new taxes’ what they’re really saying is ‘hell yes, there’s going to be new taxes AND i’m gonna go to war on your dollar’

    when they say ‘near miss’ what they’re really saying is ‘holy fuck am i stupid, i should have said ‘near hit”

    when they say ‘it’s not you it’s me’ they’re really saying, ‘i can’t find any one specific reason to dump you because if i tell you that it’s because you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs you’ll think i’m weird’

    when they say ‘he’s a little hefty, don’t you think’ they’re really saying ‘i bet if we tapped a vein right now we’d hit a rich motherlode of Krispy Kreme sugar’

    oh, the list …. :wtf:

  10. The trick is not to talk to them if you can avoid it. After all, you will only have a chance to listen, so why bother? Although notoriously insensitive to technical details, they still belive themselves to be active technologists. They cannot resist the urge to “drive” projects and misdirect everyone through traiges and one-on-ones. They are IDEAS PEOPLE and RESOURCES, not producers. Well, alright, they produce Gantt charts. But most of all they TALK for a living, mostly to other product managers.

  11. I swear to God that gem lady is all over the place. She came to my town and did a show and they had a write up about her in the paper and local zines. She’s like this new famous internet personality. She travels around the country in that rv with all of her sweaters advertising it as a museum then she performs in the same city wearing those goddamn sweaters and gold pants.

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