20 ways to be left alone at work

  1. Grag your phone when it isn’t ringing and scream, “Stop taunting me like this!”
  2. Show up doused in White Out. Tell everyone you’re just trying to cover your past mistakes.
  3. Announce that tomorrow you will bring fruit salad for the entire office. Use durian.
  4. Add, “Please see attachments,” to every email you send. Include JPGs of Captain Crunch or He-Man.
  5. Learn to whistle through your nose. Deny doing it.
  6. Announce in a worried tone that your pet Hobo spider is missing.
  7. Ask Human Resources what their policy is on chronic bedwetters.
  8. When asked what you did on vacation, reply sincerely, “Worshipping our lord Satan. And some golf.”
  9. Scream at the copy machine, “You call this a reproduction? This is shit! Get your act together or you’re out of a job, mister.”
  10. At your performance review, state that your five-year goals include interpretive dance lessons for the upper management.
  11. Practice polytonal throat singing like the Tibetan monks do. Chant all meeting notices this way.
  12. Show up early to lunch and bend all the spoons in the cafeteria. When coworkers arrive, hold a spoon up to your forehead and concentrate.
  13. Ask how the fax machine works. When informed, look stunned and well up with tears. Walk away silently, shaking your head.
  14. Ride a Galapagos Tortoise through the office.
  15. Wear a black suit and stick hundreds of white threads all over it. Pretend not to notice. When it’s pointed out, remove only one and thank the person profusely for saving you from embarrassment.
  16. Do the Time Warp at your desk at 17 minute intervals.
  17. Keep a bowl of dog biscuits at your desk. Offer one to anyone who comes to your desk.
  18. Demand equal rights for all legless employees. When it’s pointed out that you have legs, call them lowlife bigots.
  19. When a coworker uncaps a marker, act extremely high. Hallucinate and scratch your forearms.
  20. Put up a flyer announcing gender change operations to be performed in your cubicle all week. Discount for employees with promotional codes.
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35 Replies to “20 ways to be left alone at work”

  1. 1) Admit that you just shit yourself.
    2) Gain several hundred pounds and get a Chick Magnet T-Shirt.
    3) Hang your pants on your office door.
    4) Hang yourself on your office door.
    5) Smile big while you wear your SBD T-Shirt as you tell everyone you had chili for lunch .
    6) Relate everything anybody does or says to a Cathy or Dilbert comic strip.
    7) Display an additional dozen pictures of your dog dressed up as Boba Fet on your desk.
    8) Hang a box of tampons on your door.

    Only the tip of the iceberg

  2. 1. Smell everything that comes into your hands
    2. Talk like a 1850s prospector
    3. End every conversation with “your mom”
    4. Stare. stare at anything and anyone
    5. Get the word “mail” shaved into your hair
    6. When people ask you why you choose the word “mail” pretend you can’t hear them and ask them to repeat it louder (try to get them to scream)
    7. Pop a pimple right in the middle of a conversation
    8. Claim it is Frog Jumping Jubilee Day and jump instead of walk all day and ecourage other to do so
    9. When someone tells a joke laugh like maniac and overexaggerate
    10. Wear a cone hat that says troll on it :troll:
    11. Frequently, almost compulsively, reapply chap stick, smack your lips and blow a kiss to whoever is present
    12. Get fungus on feet and take your shoes off at work. Ah, the smell of success!
    13. Say it is Gilbert Gottfried day and immitate his voice all day
    14. Ask in a very deep and philosphic way “if one is able to repeat, can one ever just peat?”

  3. It’s friday morning, had a bad night and can’t think of a single thing ….. except:

    @Ace: re nr. 14. I thougth it was Pete and his twin brother REPete. (:puke:)

    I’m at the office and I’ll go back to sleep now, thank you.

  4. 1. Don’t bathe and eat lots and lots of raw garlic (this will keep away the vampires, if nothing else).
    2. Argue out loud with the little voices inside your head that are telling you to set fire to your boss.
    3. Keep a thick stack of “The Watchtower” leaflets on your desk.
    4. Pick your nose constantly…or drool.
    5. Line up Voo Doo dolls on your desk, tagged with the names of your co-workers.
    6. Ask around the office for the nearest STD clinic.
    7. Frantically answer the phone with “Is my prescription ready yet? I don’t know how much longer I can control myself…”.
    8. Talk romantically to a hand puppet and make frequent trips to the restroom.
    9. Clean your handgun at your desk.
    10. Continually spray everything your co-workers touch with Lysol.

  5. 10. Continually spray everything your co-workers touch with Lysol.
    Or just spray the coworkers! πŸ˜›

  6. Spray co-workers with Febreeze and act shocked when they don’t disappear.
    Answer questions with questions.

  7. Hang carnival signs everywhere.

    “You must be this tall to ride this” on the bathroom stall doors.

    “Pregnant women and persons with a heart condition should avoid this” on the copy machine.

    “This way to the Incredible, Bearded Woman” on the boss’s door.

  8. 1) Hang a GI Joe by his neck in plain view of co-workers with a sign that says “Are you sure you need to talk to me?”
    2) Decorate your cubicle for Halloween. In May.
    3) Fill your desk drawers with syrofoam peanuts. Accuse everyone you work with of pulling this “stupid prank”. Keep it up for a week.
    4) Repeat everything anyone tells you.
    5) Repeat yourself.
    6) Repeat yourself. Louder.
    7) Build a shrine for a bagel.
    8) Keep about 15 different clocks scattered throughout your cubicle all set to very incorrect times. Whenever anyone asks you what time it is, tell them to look at the clock and leave you alone.
    9) Fart on purpose.
    10) Demand that everyone call you Lord Crizzleglob. For that is your title on your home planet of Zurrin 7.

  9. In my office, you just need to do some actual work. People keep their distance from that.

  10. Dont bathe for a few days and keep asking everyone”Do you smell something funny?” I think I want to find a place that serves frog legs for dinner.YYYUUUMMMM!!!!

  11. True story: I worked with a woman who never bathed and literally had FLEAS!! She kept food stashed under her desk, which either came complete with – or attracted – roaches. To top it all off… in the ladies room, she would speak encouragingly to herself, to coax her bodily products. (ie: “C’mon.. you can do it… Yes, yes, thats good…” *PLOP* .. “very good!!”)

    I swear to God that this is true. She couldn’t be fired, because we were a Government Contractor, and OPM rules applied.

  12. 1) Men: Put a lifesize blow-up love doll (dressed, of course) in a chair, Introduce her to everyone who comes in your office.

    2) in reference to no. 1 (above) make it Dolly the Love Sheep http://www.baronbob.com/dolly.htm . Proceed as above.

    3) Clip your nails and try to hit your coworkers with the missles.

    4) Play polka or squaredance music and ask coworkers to dance with you (preferably same-sex).

    5) Put a bowl of cheap candy on your desk, with a mousetrap or novelty buzzer in it. Yell GOTCHA when someone springs the trap.

    6) Wear the most nauseating perfume you can find (Original Georgio / Old Spice come to mind). Layer it on thick, and refresh it continually throughout the day

    7) Women: Keep several boxes of sanitary products prominantly displayed, with a sign saying “Free to a good home.. They don’t fit me”

  13. Tell a select few busybodies that you have a crazy secret crush on someone in the office, you’ve been circling their house at night and have their routines down to the minute in your day planner.

    And today is the day you are finally going to tell them when the wedding will be.

  14. Step 1) Find the strongest, meanest, toughest co-worker, sneak up on them and take them down in a very public area such as the break room.

    Step 2) Drag them back to your cubicle and stick them on the open-flame rotiserie that you fashioned earlier in the day.

    Step 3) Tell everyone that walks by, ‘Luau starts in five!’

  15. 1. Pee in the coffee pot.
    2. Put a recliner in your cubicle and sleep the day away.
    3. Recite steamy passages from a romance novel.
    4. On the day of the full moon, come into work skyclad and chant all day in worship of the goddess Diana.
    5. Wear an eye patch and a parrot on your shoulder and talk like a pirate all day. Arrrrrrrr, matey!

  16. 1. Wait until a quiet moment in a meeting and whisper to your neighbor, (just loud enough for everyone to hear) “I think I just sharted,” and run to the door with an ashamed look on your face.
    2. Make sure you share the six hundred pictures of your cat with everyone in the office – with commentary.
    4. When you leave the bathroom, post a note that says, “I wouldn’t go in there for thirty-five, forty-five minutes.”
    5. Sell candy bars for your “kids.” Make sure everyone knows you don’t have any kids and cry when they point it out to you.

    Thats all I gots.

  17. 1). Sit at your desk with yourshirt pulled up on your head like a hood and mumble ” I am Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bung hole. ” over and over. Then when someone comes in to your office Scream “ARE YOU THREATENING ME”.
    2). Stuff a tube sock with tissue and stick it an your pants so that it goes nearly to your knee, then hang out at the water cooler all day and talk to people in your best Ron Burgundy voice.( I, of course, don’t need the tube sock. ) πŸ˜›
    3). Wear an adult diaper and take a dump in it. Then stand too close to people when you talk to them.
    4). Answer every Question with 80’s metal lyrics.

  18. 1) Walk around with giant, noise-canceling head phones, attached to nothing, all week, ignore all attempt to communicate with you.

    2) Walk around with an iPod. No head phone, just an iPod strapped to your belt and violently SSSSSSHHHHHH anyone that talks to you. For extra credit, play the air guitar, air drums or conduct a symphony at random intervals.

  19. 1.) Girls, Dont shave ur legs for a week, then where a short skirt, and if someone points ur legs out say : Ur just jealous that you didnt think of it first!
    2.) stick a buch of sticky notes on ur door reading: i like u, will u come in.
    3.)take a squirt gun and squirt everyone with it, when they ask you to stop squirt them again.
    4.)go to a meeting you wernt invited to a demand to no why u wernt
    5.) get a huge water bottle and back wash in the kindly ask everone you see if they would like a drink.

  20. Come back from the restroom with a toilet plunger under your arm and proclaim
    to the entire office” The next one in there has a little work to do”

  21. [Comment ID #52463 will be quoted here]

    seems that they do that here in my office too!!!!!!

  22. 1) Announce that the next day is pajama day then show up in a pink bunny suit…
    2) Walk around with a sock puppet on your hand. Tell everyone it’s ‘take your child to work day’…
    3) Keep a refrigerator box in your office. Cut a door into it and tell your co-workers it’s your ‘special‘ conference room.

    4) Tell them that JFLY, someone you’ve seen online, posted a list of how to kill your co-workers and you just can’t get it out of your head… πŸ˜†

    5) Sit naked on your flatbed scanner then e-mail it to the whole office. Extra bonus points if you can make it look like a smiley face as you scan it… 😈

  23. Arizona. We are so damn consistent. We always come in 45th or 47th out of 50 in rankings with other states. For once, I am proud to be 47th…in natural tooth loss. πŸ˜†

  24. And now to attend to how to be left alone…

    I worked with someone who came to work with a letter signed by themselves and their psychiatrist, stating that they would behave themselves at work and alert someone immediately if the ‘bad voices’ started coming out of the radio again.

    Can you say FIRED? I knew you could. πŸ˜•

    So I changed careers (I was a computer programmer, now I am a counselor/clergyperson) and this gem arises:

    One of my professors related how one of his clients gave him a tinfoil helmet to wear during their sessions so that ‘the bad people couldn’t read his mind.’ They proceeded to spend the next several months wearing tinfoil helmets whenever they had a session.

    Can you imagine sitting in the waiting room, waiting for your counselor to finish with the previous client, when suddenly they both emerge wearing tinfoil helmets? :wtf:

  25. Why not just threaten to post their picture on Davezilla? Nobody could handle that much pressure. 😈

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