So a few of my friends saw the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall awhile ago and said that it was really, really funny. How could it not be, especially since it was penned by the same guys that did 40 Year Old Virgin (which was the only Steve Carrell movie until Get Smart that I will admit exists) and Superbad. These are some seriously witty, comedic films that manage to mix it up in terms of pacing. You don’t feel like you should be laughing your ass off all the time, and you aren’t checking your watch going ‘When the hell was the last time I laughed?’
They also warned me about Geek Penis.
I told them BAH! I have seen many male junksacs in films, starting with Porky’s and ending with a movie I saw last night where the cable repair man came in to fix some problems with the television but wound up getting into some hilarious hijinks…. Since the people who saw the movie were quite a bit younger than I am and still giggle at fart noises (all right, so do I, but I’m older, and therefore, I am capable of enjoying things with wisdom and sagacity that makes the whole thing much more noble and respectable, so there) I automatically assumed that they were pretty much offput by the whole wang thing to begin with.
Wow. Was I wrong.
By a lot.
I can’t make up my mind how, exactly, I am shocked. We’ve got a guy who isn’t named Rod Rockhard McHammerstein up there wiggling his whacker for the whole world to see. He ain’t in great shape, but he’s not shaped like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man after an all-night bender, either. For a dude like that to be naked (which, for a dude, is, well, you know … where the hell is the naked girl and the Barry Manilow tapes, right? Right?) … well, it’s risky.
So here’s my problem. The problem is, in itself, problematic, because technically, it shouldn’t even be a problem to begin with. It should be one of those mythical ‘non-issues’ you hear about that are solved automatically, like breathing, or blood continuing to pump through your veins.
This guy, this geek, has got a dong. It’s not John Homesian in stature. He won’t be engaging his services as an actor in the Gentlemanly Films Of Leisure any time soon, but dammitall, geeks shouldn’t be hung. I mean, I’m uncomfortable even saying this, right, but seriously.
I knew it was coming because he was having this shower and he was quite happy that his girlfriend was coming over, and then, out of nowhere, like a rabbit punch to the gut by a nun…
GEEK PENIS. KERBLAM! POW!
i tried to bob and weave to get the freakin’ thing out of my way but it was like one of those many headed hydras that Hercules fought. It was EVERYWHERE.
Maybe I’m exagerrating slightly. Ok, a lot. The shot only lasted a minute and was far less weird than some guy shoving his ballpeen through a hole in the shower wall (see Porky’s if you don’t believe me), but man, you gotta give a guy some lead time. Like, how about toss in some kind of conversation like this:
Sarah: So, I’m coming over now.
Peter: Awesome. I might be in the shower washing my gigantic hog. If I’m not out when you show up, wait a few minutes. Also, if there is screaming, it is because I am currently feeding it small albino pigs from Honduras.
And so, in the fullness of time, I can prepare myself for Big Giant Geek Penis. It’s only fair.