Use only as directed

Coca Cola: Intended as a soft drink, but does a great job cleaning whitewall tires. Do not use Coca Cola as birth control. Seriously.

Mentos: Sold as a breath mint, but we all know Mentos are meant for rocketry experiments.

Toothpaste: Intended for teeth, but does a great job polishing silverware and filling nail holes when showing the house to realtors.

Clowns: Intended to make children laugh, but succeed only in scaring the crap out of adults.

Hairspray: Meant to hold hair in place, but better at removing ink from fabric and when set afire, makes a brilliant bug repellant.

Viagra: Invented to be a heart medication, but turned out better at treating erections and preventing early divorces

Milk: Our ancestral food as mammals, it is now flows through our noses to indicate that something is funny.

Matchbooks: Intended to light candles, cigarettes, et al, we know their true purpose: leveling table legs.

Which ones did I miss?

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37 Replies to “Use only as directed”

  1. 1) Sugar on a hot element. While it’s awesome as a confectioner’s ingredient and it is further undeniable the fact that it catches on fire and fills the air with its sugary scent is super-rad, it cannot be understated that the resulting kludge needs a nuclear airstrike to remedy.
    2)Obviously, Cellphone cameras: do you think SOny Ericsson really intended to develop a new Internet Porn Fad?
    3)The Windows OS: once intended to provide home users with an easy-to-understand GUI and top-of-the-line software applications, it’s new existence as a portal to hell has rapidly overtaken the world
    4)Anne Coulter: Adam Corolla’s Chewtoy (may not really fit, but holy eff :oops:)
    5)733t [email protected]: once upon a time ‘leetspeak’ was only for ubergeeks and hardcore Counterstrike lunatics. now it has made it’s way into even the most mundane sites (for those of you who don’t know, leetspeak, is like, totally awesome)
    6)Whip Cream: s’posed to go on yummy deserts, it now goes on yummy tummy

  2. Towels are traditionally used for cleaning and drying off, but when rolled up tightly between both hands it can be used to snap your enemies’ ass.

    Telephones can be used for prank calling strangers or better yet, your friends. True story: A few weeks ago, while I was driving up to L.A. with my sister and step-brother, my sister Sarah decided to call her friend Justine. But my step-brother David had a better idea. He called her, disguised his voice and left a creepy message on her answering machine. It went something like this: “Hi Justine. It’s Hugo. You looked great this morning on your way out to work. I hope you don’t mind but I used your bathroom this morning. You’re out of toothpaste.”
    Anyways, she later called back and told Sarah that her roommate heard the message first, freaked out and went to check the toothpaste! We all had a great laugh, including Justine. 😛

  3. Re Mentos: finally the Dutch gave the world something worthwhile (as Mentos is a Dutch product). Now you can also see what a easygoing people we are … and what destructive-minded people you are ….. we never tried to create a bomb with peppermint 😛
    (I know somebody is going to mention that you could also say that we are too stupid).

  4. Chile: Intended to make us pass gas, but now is a place to put severed fingers in and filing lawsuits.
    Lampshade: Intended to cover a lamp, but now something to put on your head at wild parties.
    Alarm clock: Made to wake us up in the morning, but now used for snooze button scaring the sh1t out of us.
    Computer Emoticons: Used to express emotions, but now used to (thx to Dave) signify noble organs. :wang:
    Urinals: Places for males to answer nature’s call, but now used for advertisements and slogans. searched this up for the occasion : http://archives.thedaily.washington.edu/1996/051096/urinal.html
    Bald Head: Used to show hatred for hair, but now is used as a body weapon. http://youtube.com/watch?v=9Xl0MXJoI9E (skip to 1:33. thats when the good part starts 😮 )
    Sprays: Spray Paint- Originally made as a fast way to paint, but is great for painting inscrutable messages on brick walls. Pam- Made as a non-stick baking spray, but works well as a quick-acting inhalant when other drugs are not within reach.

  5. Shoes usually protect one’s feet but work better for killing small bugs/animals and correcting one’s children…

    Lampshades were designed to diffuse light but really serve a better purpose as hats for the drumk at parties…

    Farts are supposed to relieve internal pressure but they really exist to give meaning to the ‘pull my finger’ game and to justify the power window lock out button for the sadistic driver… 😈

  6. [Comment ID #70311 will be quoted here]

    Beat me to it Drusky……….but I’m interested in what any of the female readers are doing about the great day for today………..

    They say if you’ve seen one set of :boob: :boob: , you’ve seen them all…..well sometimes I’d like to be reminded…………… 😈 😈

  7. Child Support:Originally intended to help the custodial parent with extra costs (in addition to regular costs) that arise while raising a child.
    But now is yet another excuse for the next drinking binge. (And the drugged out baby sitter.) 👿
    Sorry Guys…. :wtf:

  8. 1) Blogs aka weblogs: Originally used for to purpose of being an online journal, but it has turned into a way to entertain the masses and/or the creator of the blog to be himself/herself in an equally entertaining way

    2) Internet: created as a way to be able to find stuff easily and effectively(aka the Information Super Highway), it is now a multi-hundred dollar(or more depending)way to play games and look at porn(as illustrated in this video here….a mesh of both….a musical meets World of Warcraft…………the now widely popular song “The Internet is for Porn”…..someone showed it to me)

    3) Email: A new way to send and recieve mail on the computer from a friend or relative that isn’t close, but is now the perfect place to find SPAM

    4) SPAM: A meat that was paired with jelly in a little oval shaped can that you could never get out of that said can…when paired with something that includes cheese is a way to solve any problem that requires the methane treatment, now is what we refer to the crap we get in our email inboxes as. In normal mail, we refer to it as junk mail……connection between junk mail and internet spam….and that said Stuff Posing As Meat…..coincidence, you tell me….

    5) Pop Rocks: candy rocks made of carbinated substances so that when they got wet would explode and feel like they pop in your mouth, but when combined with a glass of Coke or Pepsi(or whatever you drink that is soda) is great for a practical joke………..or with enough soda and enough Pop Rocks, you can make your own bottle rockets………..

    And I’ve never tried the whole Mentos idea…….maybe I should just once………

  9. Car cigarette lighter – phone charger.

    Chopsticks at home – back scratchers.

    Glue – teenage leisure activity.

    Hummers and other large four-wheel-drive vehicles – Intended to make rural terrain easier for the driver, but usually make urban terrain utterly impossible for all other drivers.

    Baseball bats in Europe – Intended as an American sport accessory but usually an accessory to other things, such as grievous bodily harm and murder.

    Low-rise Jeans –Somehow intended to make young people look more attractive, go figure.

  10. Bic Stic pens – Kryptonite bike lock keys
    Cigarette filters (preferably unused) – impromptu earplugs at those darned loud rock and roll shows
    Duct tape – the handyman’s secret weapon

  11. Liquid Shoe Polish: Designed to keep our shoes nice and shiny.

    When paired with bread and strained properly, provides an alcoholic (or broke university students) with the fix they need when no liquor stores are open!

  12. Bic lighters: meant for cigarettes, ideal for lighting methane emissions.

    Pepsi: – meant to be drunk, inadvertantly discovered as a sinus cleanser.

    Mimes: meant to be funny, scare the crap out of most people.

    :geek:

  13. About the idiot who believed the Onion article:

    United we stand, divided they die? Doesn’t that say it all for you? Hypocrite.

  14. toilet paper:” used to wipe your ass. now is used to throw on your neighbors lawn and decorate their trees and bushes.
    metal hangers: used to hang clothes up. now used for antennas and locked car openers.
    condoms: first used to prevent babies. now used to prevent aids and stds.
    child support: used to help raising kids. now used for the mother to stay home sleep all day and live and drive in a house and car that is more expensive than your own. also pays for her drug habits, and then u still have to dish out more money when the child shows up on the weekend with ripped clothes and dirty laundry, and shoes that are barely on there feet.
    vaseline: first used to heal sickness and speed healing of cuts and scrapes. now its used as lubricant for ass sex.
    sex: first was used to reproduce. now its used to get men to do everything a female wants him to do.

  15. [Comment ID #70338 will be quoted here]

    AMEN! Finally someone who understands!
    We should start some sort of fathers coalition. :mrgreen:

  16. The Dutch invented Mentos.. and were the first to buy and sell black slaves from Africa.. coincedence?

  17. Irish, ive been tryin to win custody for years now. i even brought evidence in photos of the home and her unemployment. and also how the kids looked when they showed up to court. but the stupid judge mustive gotten a blow job before the case cause he wouldnt even let me finish my case before orderin me to pay more money. I dont mind giving my kids money but giving her money is so stupid. i opened up a bank account for my kids and she tried to get the judge to let her take money out of it for food. i told the judge i already give her 500 a week, how much more are you gonna grant her to get hi with. then he got mad and i got fined. but all in all the system sucks and i feel sorry for my kids who i love so much.

  18. [Comment ID #70311 will be quoted here]

    The last time I so much as changed my icon, I got ripped on by everyone, so I guess nothing. :dead:

  19. Lysol, was a cleaning aid, now the drink of choice at the Indian casino for a good drunk.
    Indian Contractors, use to be used for making underwear and other clothing, now use to reduce programmers to the equivalent of blue collar steal workers
    :boob: :boob: Use to be used for feeding the young. Today used for entertainment purposes only

    Thanks for the link of the day I got a kick out of that one!

  20. Not only does Coke clean your whitewalls, but pour a can in your washing machine along with those shirts with the grease stains (from the pizza, blt, ribs, etc.) and it pulls those spots out. Don’t forget the laundry soap. Sound’s whacky, but it works – just ask my wife.

  21. I know how you feel Franklito. I have had about the same results. I only get my son every other weekend though. The last time I picked him up, I asked him when the last time he got a bath was. (He was FILTHY) He said “Last time I was over at your house.” 2 weeks without a bath? And I actually pay her to take care of him? Im getting remarried in October. When I do, my lawyer says that with all the extra documentation and photos, plus more stability (marriage), that we will be able to shove so much litigation at her that she will crap papers for a month. 😈

  22. Sani Flush, meant to clean out terlets, but also is an excellent
    chopper-whitener. Don’t have to use a brush. 😮 :kiss: :mrgreen: 😈

  23. health insurance- meant to pay for medical treatment and for peace of mind,now another deduction from your check , a co-pay ,preauthorization,deductibles,directory of approved providers and a good :wang:in the ass if you really expect them to pay up before the collection agencies come calling.thats the best healthcare in the world?

  24. Coffee creamer- Originally intended for, well that’s pretty obvious isn’t it? Thanks to minds expanded by chemicals and lots of time trying to find new ways to freak, if it is sprinkled slowly from above a lit bic lighter, it’s an amazing light show! Sparkles, lots of sparkles! COOL!!
    Anybody that thinks boobs are meant for anything besides admiring and enjoying has obviously missed the boat. I can go to any grocery store and buy bottles and formula to satisfy the baby. Try to buy a nice rack at Walmart. Can’t be done. Ain’t nothin’ like the real thang baby. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES! :boob: :boob:

  25. [Comment ID #70348 will be quoted here]

    I promise to make sure that the were-rabbits are in full launch position and ready to strike ALL that complain about something like that again…..but then again, I’d miss seeing suck a beautiful face…..so……………AAAARRGGHHHH……………….you could always send some of your celebration pics to me by email, if it means getting something like that, you have my word that they will never be seen by anyone but me………………..

  26. [Comment ID #70376 will be quoted here]

    Oh sure! I set up the possibility and you get the pics… Thanks Master S…

    [Comment ID #70353 will be quoted here]
    B.T.W., Esther, you can play, too… I’m somewhat sure Master Solace won’t mind too much… 😛

  27. [Comment ID #70384 will be quoted here]

    I’m sorry…..maybe we could put together a BIG celebration…….there is nothing saying we can’t continue National Nude Day…..make it a whole month……………………

    And if Esther wants to come play……I have no problem with that……..big nude month celebration……I’ll bring the camera….:P 😈

  28. [Comment ID #70342 will be quoted here]

    Like I said, you could say we are (and were) lazy (let other people do the work).
    You can’t blame us for being enterprising though. 😳

Comments are closed.