Top Harry Potter Spoilers

  1. Those puckish Weasley twins cast Fentwigg’s Ever-Growing Erection Spell on Harry, getting him expelled.
  2. Malfoy decides he can make a fortune selling magical strains of marijuana to the muggles. He runs a cartel of Dementors and lives in a mansion in Bogota, Columbia.
  3. Hagrid is caught in a compromising position with a hippogriff and subsequently fired. Their monstrous offspring return to tear the school apart, leaving only a few shaken house elves alive.
  4. Seamus decides to spill the beans about Hoggwarts to the muggle press. He sells Nearly Headless Nick to Disney for US $14 million. Nick quickly becomes the number one attraction in the Haunted Castle.
  5. Ron Weasley gets really drunk at Hogsmeade and wakes up in bed with Madame Rosemerta. She now keeps him as a slave in the dungeon of her pub. He answers to the his new sub name, “Miss Ronnie”.
  6. Luna Lovegood becomes the new Barbie spokemodel and marries Justin Timberlake. Their twin children become geniuses and cure cancer by age 7.
  7. Professor Snape becomes a stage magician in Vegas. He grosses over $90 million a year. For his greatest stunt, he makes David Blaine disappear. Permanently.
  8. Harry’s owl is shot by a poacher. The act is captured on home video and quickly becomes the #1 video on YouTube.
  9. Hermoine decides, “Magic is rather stupid” and shacks up with a abnormal psychology professor in Maine. They have 2 children, a cat and lead ordinary, muggle lives.
  10. What spoilers would you like to see?

Also, I just wanted to extend a welcome to all the new visitors I have been getting in South Africa. Pretoria, Johannesburg, Pinetown, Bellville, Cape Town and Durban. Hello!

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43 Replies to “Top Harry Potter Spoilers”

  1. Harry, Hermione,& the Weasley’s joine togather and cast a spell on the Slytherin House making everyone that is a memeber think that they are at the top of all that Hogwarts has to offer, but realy are the worst house Hogwarts ever had. It gets disbanded and is fore ever bared from Hogwarts.

    malfoy after making millions selling his magical strain gets busted by the DEA and is found out by the muggles that he is a wizard is burned at the stake :dead:

    Harry’s owl makes it with a black cat, it was the wildest hairest peace he ever had, and thair offspring is the best mousers the every lived

  2. Dumbledore confesses to proposing to every single graduating witch for the last 15 years.

    Professor McGonagle confesses to living in a three-way household, with Mad Eye Mooney and Cybil Trelawney.

    Fitch short-sheets Snape’s bed.

    Sirius Black returns as a ghostly dementor to strike at Lord Voltemort from within The Dark Lord’s tomb.

    The Ministry of Magic lifts the ban on students using magic outside of school. They write the Muggle governments, “Tough. Deal with it.”

    Hermione plays Spin the Bottle, and ends up in a broom closet with Malfoy. Two pregnancies later they move into Hagrid’s attic and raise Mandrake Roots for Professor Sprout.

    Rita Skeeter and her poison pen find themselves reporting to an investigation into Death Eater sympathizers. Harry elopes with the dizzy lady as she suffers a complete schizoid collapse, and recovers as a deeply involved researcher into the origins of magic. No kids.

    Moaning Myrtle follows Cedrick into the dead realms, leaving Hogwarts a poorer place.

  3. After his steamy secret affair with Malfoy, Harry Potter changes his name to Sherman Potter and enlists in the American Army where he serves as Commanding Officer of a M.A.S.H. unit in Korea… 🙄

  4. You’re all too clever.

    For mine, I would like to see the bit where George Bush goes into Hogwarts and “Liberates” the elves from their life of servitude and oppression.

  5. [Comment ID #196231 will be quoted here]

    You had us at “Fentwigg’s Ever-Growing Erection Spell”. After that image plays out in our minds, what could we do to top it?

  6. [Comment ID #196231 will be quoted here]

    They were stunned into silence?

    I thought it was brilliant anyway Dave, take a bow.

    :geek:

  7. Professor Snape becomes a stage magician in Vegas. He grosses over $90 million a year. For his greatest stunt, he makes the entire Bush administration disappear. Permanently.

  8. Harry, Ron and Hermione decide to chuck the whole magic thing and become entertainers. They walk into a talent scout’s office and proclaim, “We’ve got the greatest act you’ve ever seen. You’re gonna love this act”.
    “I’m busy kids. I don’t have a lot of time. Tell me about your act, but quickly”.
    “We call ourselves-The Aristocrats”!

  9. Harry, Ron and Hermione decide to chuck the whole magic thing and become entertainers. They walk into a talent scout’s office and proclaim, “We’ve got the greatest act you’ve ever seen. You’re gonna love this act”.
    “I’m busy kids. I don’t have a lot of time. Tell me about your act, but quickly”.
    “We call ourselves-The Aristocrats”!

  10. The Worst Ending: Harry wakes up in a mental hospital strapped to the bed, only to realize IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM!

    The Very Happy Ending: Harry finds a spell to travel back in time and stop Tom Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, from ever being born and thus saving his parents from ever dying.

  11. After I read ever-growing erection, marijuana and compromising postion … let’s just say I was truly inspired. Thanks Dave! :wang:

  12. [Comment ID #196245 will be quoted here]

    HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING ON PLUTO OR WHAT ??? I’m a total hermit and even I know who Harry friggen Potter is! GOSH!!

  13. Dave, I think it was a good post. You are a creative individual and you have the grace to share it with us. I appreciate the entertainment that everyone on this site provides. That being said, yes I am a little weird and definately pathetic, but I rarely meet PEOPLE I like. The more I meet the more I like my dog, hence the whole hermit thing. That and I’m a 33 year old cancer patient that can’t be exposed to sunlight until the chemo drugs have worked their way out of my body. Who knew? But I really like this site and try to visit daily. Truly appreciated, thanks guys.

  14. Harry tries the “magic strain” and the gateway opens and Harry becomes a crackhead and found on the streets selling :thong: :wtf:

  15. [Comment ID #196280 will be quoted here]

    Where the [email protected]*k is uranas? 😕 It sounds like a radioactive fruit…:wtf:

    Really you people need to be more clear on things. GEEZ!

  16. [Comment ID #196262 will be quoted here]

    When I was a child, I knew this was a planet…once, long…long ago…
    Then they took it away from me…Those Bastards, WHY?!!? 🙄
    Who in holy hell told them they could take Pluto away from me!!! 😡

  17. Vodemort says, “Harry, I am your father…”

    Voldemort reveals that he is Harry’s biological father, thus accounting for all of their similarities and his in ability to kill Harry.

  18. The book ends with Harry in a restaurant. “Who’s crying now” is playing on the jukebox. Someone enters and Harry looks up and then the pages go blank.

  19. damn muggles i knew someone was stealing my mary jane i thought it was those damn gremlins thanks dave now i know the truth

  20. Harry is caught with Hermione is caught having sex and there death child destroys the entire city of Hogsmead and Diagon Ally and eventualy gets into the muggle world and causes the end of time. While Harry and Hermione are still doing it and keep doing it till Harry runs out and Hermione says “WELL FINE! RON DID BETTER ANYWAY!!!!”. 😆 😆 😆 😆

  21. Harry is caught with Hermione is caught having sex and there death child destroys the entire city of Hogsmead and Diagon Ally and eventualy gets into the muggle world and causes the end of time. While Harry and Hermione are still doing it and keep doing it till Harry runs out and Hermione says “WELL FINE! RON DID BETTER ANYWAY!!!!”. 😆 😆 😆 😆

  22. Harry and Hermione are caught in the Dungeon having anal sex :wang: and realse their death creature into the magical and Muggle world. After making about 10 of them Harry says “Man I’m tired!” and Hermione says “WELL AT LEAST RON DID BETTER!! AND HE LISTENS TO WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO TO ME!! LIKE YOU EVER CARED!!” “Yeah yeah yeah Hermione! Man your such a bitch!!” So they break up and they both become prostitutes and make millions!

  23. Harry and Hermione are caught in the Dungeon having anal sex :wang: and realse their death creature into the magical and Muggle world. After making about 10 of them Harry says “Man I’m tired!” and Hermione says “WELL AT LEAST RON DID BETTER!! AND HE LISTENS TO WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO TO ME!! LIKE YOU EVER CARED!!” “Yeah yeah yeah Hermione! Man your such a bitch!!” So they break up and they both become prostitutes and make millions!

  24. In the 7th book we find out that Neville forgives Bellatrix for torturing and turning his parents crazy and marries her and have 3 of the ugliest kids in the wizarding world!

  25. Dave if your looking for pictuers of Hermione in a compromising position trust me so is she! :wang: 😈

  26. well its ron here finaly .well as all of u know that i hav fucked that bitch hermione 300 times or more , well didn give hary the chance. well she’s got perfect bust to squeez. and her cunt is wet aal the time wat a fuckin whore she is …

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